How can I handle my DM better?

[PurpleSky300]

I am struggling with my DM and how much she just doesn't seem to see me, for want of a better term.

When we get on, we get okay. I support her with grocery costs because she only works part-time, I pay when we go out for lunch, I look after her pets when she goes on holiday, I buy her 'big' purchases like laptops etc when she needs them and her partner helps out too. On a surface level, we can get on okay.

But when I try to talk to her about difficulties at work or anything that is going on in my life, she gives me an elaborate speech about how she can't be listening to it because it's 'stressing me out', she's busy, having her hair done, I'm interrupting her weekend, she can't be expected to drop everything, blah blah blah until I feel like I'm being unreasonable so I just shut up.

And I feel ignored in other ways. For example - I rarely drink, and she knows it, but for 15 years she has gone through the same "oh, you're boring/ridiculous" routine in every pub. It never changes. She buys me clothes that are to her taste and in her size, and then complains when I don't wear them. If I make a decision that she doesn't agree with - about my job or my house - then she strops about it and says "Nobody ever listens to me" and "You'll see I'm right one day" and carries on like that for ages.

She won't stop telling me to get a man, always comments on my skin if I've having a flare-up... basically she has no time for anything I do or say and I can never do anything right. Recently one of my friends was with us and said "Wow, you live in different worlds!" and I feel like this reality just dawned on me for the first time.

I'd stop supporting her financially for a start. Tell her money is tight, you are worried about work - and to any grumbling you need to immediately jump in with, 'Oh I can't be listening to this - you are stressing me! I'll talk to you when you are more cheerful'.

She sounds a cow, to be honest. And a user.

Reduce contact. Remove yourself from uncomfortable situations. Don't expect her to change. Change how you respond to her instead. Make other people in your life a priority. Stop subsidising her.

Stop financing her and when she moans tell her you can’t deal with it right now. She sounds utterly self absorbed and a complete selfish bitch. Doesn’t sound like you are actually getting anything pleasant from the relationship. I’d definitely lower the amount of contact, sounds like she is just taking your money and nothing more x

You have a couple of choices.

1. Reduce contact. Stop supporting her financially and see how you feel
2. Resolve yourself to the fact that she’s never going to change and choose to not let her bother you

she will never change but you can change how you react. She gave you the best insight when she said that you and your friend are in a different world. She lacks empathy and can’t envisage any circumstances other than her own. Keep repeating her words back to her

Different world now DM. Women don’t need a man. I do just fine. For example, I am successful in my own right or wouldn’t be able to support you……….

Different world now. We don’t feel like we need to drink. It’s a shame you do………

It sounds like she isn’t able to be emotionally available to you without making it all about her so you probably need to stop expecting that of her because it’s just making you feel worse and invisible.

I also agree with others to stop financing her. By all means treat her to lunch sometimes if you want to but you don’t need to be helping with her grocery shopping. She needs to be managing her money better!
When she is insensitive in her comments and just downright rude, pull her up immediately.
‘Stop saying that mum I don’t need a man’.
’Its really unkind when you comment on my skin like that’.
’I’m not boring I just don’t drink and you know that. I don’t need alcohol to enjoy myself unlike some’.

Sorry I can't get over the fact that you're paying for her shopping because she's part time, while she's swanning off on holidays. She's manipulating you into being her carer/mother/bankroll while giving you very little in return. Have you always felt responsible for her or just recently?

Stop seeing her as much

Sounds very one sided OP. Just reduce contact with her, you shouldn't be trying to buy her affection either. When she's too busy having her hair done or going on holidays, and you're buying her groceries then alarm bell should be ringing. She's using you and giving you very little back. Don't expect her to change people don't unfortunately but protect yourself l.

My mum is a narcissist and I am now NC. The phone works both ways so stop calling them. They will call when they want something.

stop paying for groceries as their part time work is not your problem. If they can afford holidays then they can afford shopping.

spend less time with them and more on your social circle. If you want a relationship then spend Time on that instead if it’s what you want.

I imagine the skin flare ups are to do with being stressed that your mum is going to comment on them