Feel guilty we probably can’t afford for me to take the unpaid part of maternity leave

[njmummy]

Just that, not sure why I’m posting maybe for solidarity or to hear others experiences

Realistically we can only afford for me to be off work for 9 months + 5 weeks of annual leave, so I’ll be going back when our baby is about 10 months. In my organisation most people have been taking a year, but our mortgage is just so high with the new rate that we’d be absolutely skint and able to meet the bills and nothing else left over if I took the unpaid time at the end up to 12 months. The good news is we can afford for me to return 4 days a week, possibly even 3.5 so I will have a day off in the week with baby.

Is there a huge difference between leaving a 10 month old and a 12 month old in childcare? Someone told me that I’d never feel ready to leave them, which is probably true, even if I had two years off!

Don't feel guilty. It's a situation out of your hands and, besides, many babies go into childcare well before 10 months and are absolutely fine.

No need to feel guilty, we do what we have to do. I went back when DS was 9 months old, he is now 12 he's doing well at school, well rounded and a great kid. I felt bad at the time and spent many a commute crying after drop off but he had a great time at nursery and then school. It is hard but you have to earn money. I got judgement from my mum but she didn't have to work as my dad earned a decent amount and her generation the women didn't work. My MIL was a single parent working multiple jobs to make ends meet so she understood.

Blimey, 10 months is a lot compared to many (most?) other countries (especially looking at you USA!!) and even compared to here just 15+ years ago. You'll be fine.

I’m in Ireland and it’s similar here, I couldn’t afford to take unpaid leave so I went back to work when my son was 8.5 months old. Like yourself I went back part time, 3 days a week. It’s always going to be so hard to leave them but we are all just doing our best with what we can.

Please don’t feel guilty x

What is there to feel guilty about?

I went back after 8 months purely because I wanted to. The majority of babies in the developed world are raised on way less maternity leave than ten months.

It might sound awful now, but honestly, if you get your head around when you’re actually returning then you’ll soon come to terms with it. FWIW, I had to return at 8 weeks with my second as mat pay was terrible 30 years ago. I knew from first getting pregnant that this would be the case, but also knew we would all be ok.

The babies at our nursery seem to pretty much universally start at around 9 months.

Mine went even younger. They were fine.

No need to feel guilty about it, your baby will be fine.

No need to feel guilty, it is what it is and guilt won’t help to change that. You need to earn, absolutely no guilt or justification needed.

10m is still a long time. You never know, you might want to go back. I expected to have 12m off with my first but for various reasons (inc my personal preference) I went back at 8m. It made sense for us and not a single person was interested / commented / judged.

I did exactly what you're doing with both of mine (9 months plus a month's annual leave added on). It is really common in my workplace for women to take this length of time. Don't beat yourself up - this is totally normal!

Many of us are older and got 6 months maternity leave (my US colleagues were jealous of that!) - our kids were, and are, fine.

OP I took 4 months with both of mine. Mainly for financial reasons but also partly because I wanted to go back to work. They're now teenagers and never have they thrown it back at me (or even asked/commented) and I could not possibly tell you which of their friends had mums who took 5 years v 1 week off unless for some reason I actually know.

Do what you think is right for you, your family and your child.

I went back full time when DS was 9 months.
It was all absolutely fine!

Don’t feel guilty OP, the unpaid part is very hard and I think it’s very common for people not to take it! I’d say it’s better you can go back part time, absolutely loved my day off and you can still make the most of your time together on that day. My DD was at nursery from 10 months, personally I think it was really good for her

Can you carry over annual leave from this year to next, start with that then use maternity leave then use your annual leave youlbuild up whilst off? Surely then you'd be close the the following years annual leave entitlement?

It was completely normal to go back at 6 months until comparatively recently. I actually wonder if 12 months is more difficult for the baby ( only my thoughts, no evidence) . 9 months off is a good chunk of time, just get some child care in place that you are happy with and enjoy the time you have.

DM took a few weeks off for each child in the early 1990s. Was pretty normal back then.

Your baby will be fine. Good luck with the return to work.

Does your DH get any enhanced parental leave with his job? If so, you can "give" him the last 3 months (or however long he gets paid for) of your maternity and delay your child starting nursery that way

Also, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Being off for 12 months is a pretty new thing

No need to feel guilty. I went back when my eldest was 5 months. I had 14 weeks of paid maternity leave and the rest was annual leave I had saved up form the previous year (in those days you didn't accrue annual leave while on maternity leave).

Not ideal. But it was fine.

Sometimes I think it's better to get on with the real life routine sooner rather than later.

Babies like routine and separation anxiety kicks in a bit around a year. So it can be better for some children to be well settled in at nursery before then. Especially if you can magically afford a period of settling in before you return to work so you aren't stressed by work for the first few weeks of settling.

It is hard to leave your baby. I was very sad to do so and absolutely cried a goid few times. But I dont think guilt is necessary.

I felt ready at 9 months, so it’s absolutely not the thing that you won’t feel ready. You might not feel ready, which a lot of women don’t, but you’ll get on with it. You might be ready though and you won’t know until you’re there. Either way, there’s no reason to feel guilty.

Anecdotally from my circle, babies that went to nursery at 9/10 months (mine included) settled better than those who started at 12/13 months. That two month window is quite a big leap developmentally and they have a bit more understanding and there’s a separation anxiety phase.

Edited to add - I did the settling in sessions but I went to back work on DC’s first full day at nursery. DH had leave in case they didn’t settle. I think that helped because I wasn’t at home worrying, I was at work and had to keep focussing on what I was doing. But I could check in with DH to see if they’d called.

Mine went to the nursery when she was 10 months old, it was fine! The only thing I would suggest is to get her started whilst you're still on annual leave because they tend to catch all bugs in the first weeks.

My boss (American) had to leave her daughter at daycare when she was 6 weeks old. This is bonkers to me, but the daughter is a teenager now and they have great relationship, so don't worry :)

I did my 10 KIT days in the last 3 months which gave me the equivalent to SMP for those 3 months.

Then 1 month accrued leave on full pay.

Mine are young adults now but I had to go back when they were 4 moths old.

I can relate to how you're feeling - I went back to work at the 9 month mark and I definitely felt a bit judged by all the mums I knew who took the whole year. Slightly different in that we did shared parental leave (I'm the higher earner so made sense for my husband to take the unpaid time) but I still felt guilty about it. Ultimately you've got to do what makes sense for you all financially, and your little one will be just fine in nursery.

This will probably make me sound awful/horrible but it’s the truth. At around 9/10 months babies are really hard work. Mine all started crawling at 8 months and I found it overwhelming so to send them to nursery around that age gave me time where I didn’t feel stressed all the time and could do one task at a time at work rather than being at home or out with a baby/toddler who seemed to be a danger magnet . I knew they’d be in the baby room with age appropriate stuff, qualified adults and doing nice activities. I know some people prefer to be at home but by that age I was ready to have some ‘time off ‘ (which was going to work 😂)