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Anyone else have thoughts on this? Adult sons.

16 replies

DelfiwiththeTwin · 16/10/2024 02:31

I've just heard my adult son inviting his younger brother to his birthday celebratory lunch in the city. They are fairly close in age but wildly different in personalities. I am wondering if I am being too silly and overthinking it. Several years ago we were driving our older son home (car troubles). I said "guess what it's my birthday today". Without looking up from his phone in the back seat he said "surely you don't STILL celebrate your birthday!?!?. I said yes I do! This was the first time he responded this way. Until a few years back we always celebrated each of the boys days with a lunch or a dinner, depending when they could fit it into their schedules. That came to an abrupt stop when the older became too busy or as he told us later he celebrated it with friends. And of course that's understandable, we always anticipated that, we just wanted to have a slice of birthday cake, some pressies and give him some hugs. When he suggested he come over a few days later we made preparations but he was a no show. However, he phoned us later and asked what gifts we had for him. My husband was furious, I was disappointed In the case of our younger son,. He lets us take the lead on the day, we buy a cake and a few pressies and he seems to enjoy that, then he goes off with his mates. I don't know, I feel kind of sad now when birthdays roll around. I can't recall the last time they said happy birthday to me, without a prompt. It's like I don't have a birthday at all.

OP posts:
Lizzbear · 16/10/2024 03:01

Hi. Are you feeling sad that they are celebrating without you? I get it.
Perhaps you could organise a meal just for family on another day?
Sending hugs.

Brombat · 16/10/2024 03:08

He is being rude.

My mil would have ripped my DH a new one plus Fil would bollocked him if he'd forgotten a birthday.

I'm not good with birthdays but a card is nice.

Quitelikeit · 16/10/2024 03:14

I think your son is being very rude by not wishing you a happy birthday and not sending a card.

Your dh could have words with him? I mean although he’s an adult you are still his parents and he should show you basic respect!

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/10/2024 03:29

I think you and your DH should each remind your sons about the other's birthday. Send frequent messages, starting 2 weeks in advance. Let them both know that birthdays are important to you. If a card or phone call is sufficient, let them know. You both need to be prepared to be angry if necessary.

LostittoBostik · 16/10/2024 03:35

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/10/2024 03:29

I think you and your DH should each remind your sons about the other's birthday. Send frequent messages, starting 2 weeks in advance. Let them both know that birthdays are important to you. If a card or phone call is sufficient, let them know. You both need to be prepared to be angry if necessary.

If they're under 25 I agree. Over that it's up to them tbh. Although your DH should be bollocking them for forgetting yours

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 16/10/2024 03:42

Quite honestly they sound absolutely awful. I can't imagine getting to a situation where my own son didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My son is in his thirties and married but never fails to give me a card and present and sees me on or near my birthday, whatever is convenient and we go out for a celebratory meal.
For his own birthdays as an adult I see him either on the day or as near as possible to the day. I give him presents, we have cake made by me or his wife and he's always extremely grateful. We have a family meal out near to his birthday because on his birthday evening he's with his wife, as is right.
I do think your husband is partly to blame. From being young children he should have made a fuss of you with them on your birthday, as you should with his, so it's engrained that parents' birthdays are to be celebrated. He should have continued all through their teenage years and into adulthood, checking in advance with them to make sure they'd got you a card and present and seeing you/ phoning you etc to say happy birthday. I feel sorry for you, it sounds shit and I'd be so disappointed if my son behaved in that way.

DogsandFlowers · 16/10/2024 05:10

I'm sorry they sound like entitled little twats
Time to stop making any sort of effort for them

aveenobambino · 16/10/2024 05:21

That's awful, I'm sorry OP, but I don't think that's normal. Flowers to you

SophiaJ8 · 16/10/2024 05:33

They are very rude

DelfiwiththeTwin · 16/10/2024 06:09

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for those that have replied. I thought I would be just talking (typing) into the breeze or receive harsh comments telling me to "let go of the apron strings, get a life" (all these and more I've been weighing in, telling myself). To be honest, I have been rationalising to my husband how, when and why they had overlooked ,not only mine, but his birthdays as well. I feel emboldened by all your advice. To give context both sons are in their early 30's and have responsible positions where, ironically, they guide others. We're in our senior years and reluctant to seek advice from friends/sister lest I tarnish the pedestals they have my son's on. Again, thank you and I'm taking your advice. 🙏

OP posts:
DogsandFlowers · 16/10/2024 06:49

DelfiwiththeTwin · 16/10/2024 06:09

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for those that have replied. I thought I would be just talking (typing) into the breeze or receive harsh comments telling me to "let go of the apron strings, get a life" (all these and more I've been weighing in, telling myself). To be honest, I have been rationalising to my husband how, when and why they had overlooked ,not only mine, but his birthdays as well. I feel emboldened by all your advice. To give context both sons are in their early 30's and have responsible positions where, ironically, they guide others. We're in our senior years and reluctant to seek advice from friends/sister lest I tarnish the pedestals they have my son's on. Again, thank you and I'm taking your advice. 🙏

They're lucky to have you two xx

Yourethebeerthief · 16/10/2024 07:05

Shocking behaviour. Ungrateful shits. I'd absolutely be talking to people about it.

AbsolutelyFemale · 16/10/2024 07:08

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 16/10/2024 03:42

Quite honestly they sound absolutely awful. I can't imagine getting to a situation where my own son didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My son is in his thirties and married but never fails to give me a card and present and sees me on or near my birthday, whatever is convenient and we go out for a celebratory meal.
For his own birthdays as an adult I see him either on the day or as near as possible to the day. I give him presents, we have cake made by me or his wife and he's always extremely grateful. We have a family meal out near to his birthday because on his birthday evening he's with his wife, as is right.
I do think your husband is partly to blame. From being young children he should have made a fuss of you with them on your birthday, as you should with his, so it's engrained that parents' birthdays are to be celebrated. He should have continued all through their teenage years and into adulthood, checking in advance with them to make sure they'd got you a card and present and seeing you/ phoning you etc to say happy birthday. I feel sorry for you, it sounds shit and I'd be so disappointed if my son behaved in that way.

This absolutely 💯 not sure how you fix it now though.

honeygoldensyrup · 16/10/2024 07:09

You are allowed to talk to friends and your sister about things that upset you.
I think it's beneficial to be slightly more realistic rather than implying that your relationship, be it with a partner or your adult children, is perfect 100% of the time.

AbsolutelyFemale · 16/10/2024 07:11

I have 3 sons for context, and my birthday is absolutely a big deal. Now 2 of them are adults, they buy me lovely thoughtful gifts without prompting. The youngest gets excited about my birthday in the same way he gets excited about his.

SallyWD · 16/10/2024 07:16

They do sound thoughtless and rude. This isn't a man thing. My DH makes a big fuss of his family on their birthdays and both my brothers always remember too. They send cards, gifts and phone up whenever it's a family birthday.
I think you and your DH should have a talk with them abd say that family birthdays are important to you and you feel hurt when they forget. Spell it out - you need to.

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