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Fed up of nosy busy body

21 replies

WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 00:06

As I said in another thread, my dad died on August 7th of this year.

I know this woman who's a lot older then me, who lives on the same housing estate as my parents.

She never used to speak to me as a school kid, as she never really understood my autism. She's very judgemental and critical of people. I went to a couple of art groups where she went, she also attends our community cafe.

She is very domineering, and gets upset if she can't get her own way. She also books thing like shows & events without asking me, then gets the hump when I can't go.

She now seems very jealous that I'm now spending more time with my own mum then her, my own mother! It doesn't seem to compute that family come first. I'm autistic & this is making me depressed, even asked me nosy questions when I had to see a DR when she wanted me to go to an event with her.

It's the issue about this problem she seems to find with me and my mum. Since dad died, we've become close. I think she should mind her own business, and concentrate on her own 2 daughters instead of sticking her nose into other people's affairs.

I get the feeling even they get fed up with her. She says my mum has me under her thumb which isn't true at all. I'm her carer, she's 79 and turns 80 in November.

Two other women refuse to speak to her, as she's upset them. 'Don't bother me, I have other friends'. I haven't told her some of them are distancing themselves, or are complaining.

Sorry this is a long post, thanks for reading. I need some advice.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 16/10/2024 00:15

Are you friends with this woman?

On the one hand you say "I know this woman..." and describe bumping into her at local events as if she's practically a stranger, but then she's booking tickets for you to go to things and it sounds like you were spending a lot of time with her.

kiwiane · 16/10/2024 00:28

You can choose whether or not to speak to this woman or go out with her.
It sounds like you see her and accept tickets from her and accompany her to events!
If you don’t enjoy her company and find her nosey and annoying then tell her you no longer want to be her friend.

WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 09:31

Yes I'm friends with her, but I'm now getting fed up with her over nearing bossy attitude. I'm trying to avoid her without appearing to be rude, but she gets annoyed if I don't answer my phone. She also bangs on about how her basic pension doesn't last her, yet she finds the money for entertainments.

I have won £100 for a photography competition, their going to post it to me as she's already demanded I share it with her.

I know Somone who's lost his wife last December, he's won a meal voucher. This stupid woman's demanding he share it with her which I know he doesn't want to do

OP posts:
WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 09:33

kiwiane · 16/10/2024 00:28

You can choose whether or not to speak to this woman or go out with her.
It sounds like you see her and accept tickets from her and accompany her to events!
If you don’t enjoy her company and find her nosey and annoying then tell her you no longer want to be her friend.

Being autistic it's not that easy, she attends a lot of groups I enjoy going too, and I don't want to to give them up. She's a lot older then me, so I'm kind of stuck.

OP posts:
Edingril · 16/10/2024 09:33

Then stop being friends with her? I don't get it

WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 10:02

Edingril · 16/10/2024 09:33

Then stop being friends with her? I don't get it

Because being autistic I don't like confrontation.

OP posts:
WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 13:27

NuffSaidSam · 16/10/2024 00:15

Are you friends with this woman?

On the one hand you say "I know this woman..." and describe bumping into her at local events as if she's practically a stranger, but then she's booking tickets for you to go to things and it sounds like you were spending a lot of time with her.

I'm autistic and fed up of being mis understood all the time.

I'll start again.

This woman is my friend, but it's starting to wear thin. She books tickets without asking, so I have to go or she gets bad tempered with me.

She's jealous I'm spending more time with my mother then her.

She also asks people for money , after she's blown her own.

How do I distance myself without being rude?

OP posts:
jay55 · 16/10/2024 13:41

Don't worry about being rude. Just stop replying to her and say no to any suggestion of going to things you don't want to do.

NuffSaidSam · 16/10/2024 13:42

Put your boundaries down, politely but firmly and stick to them.

"I won't have time to meet up this week as I'm busy with Mum".

"No, thank you, I can't make that show, offer the ticket to someone else".

Ultimately if you don't want to be friends with her anymore then you need to tell her. It's not fair to just keep making excuses/distancing yourself without telling her clearly.

WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 18:06

jay55 · 16/10/2024 13:41

Don't worry about being rude. Just stop replying to her and say no to any suggestion of going to things you don't want to do.

Tried saying no to her once, had the hump with me for a few days. Thers another lady she calls names at, because she told her what she thought of her.

OP posts:
WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 18:09

NuffSaidSam · 16/10/2024 13:42

Put your boundaries down, politely but firmly and stick to them.

"I won't have time to meet up this week as I'm busy with Mum".

"No, thank you, I can't make that show, offer the ticket to someone else".

Ultimately if you don't want to be friends with her anymore then you need to tell her. It's not fair to just keep making excuses/distancing yourself without telling her clearly.

Keeps telling me I'm seeing too much of my mum, this angers me seeing as she's so lonely since dad died. She's also getting jealous of my friends grandchildren.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 16/10/2024 18:13

I think you need to slow fade her out of your life. She had no control over you, she's just someone who you've ended up friends with due to geography.

You don't have to reply to her regularly or listen to what she says/tells you to do. If she asks anything about you, just smile politely and say you've been really busy, you know how it is. Then just walk away.

If she messages you just reply with polite short answers, and don't agree to do anything with/for her. You don't need to have confrontation.

She'll get bored soon enough as these types do when they don't get attention.

NuffSaidSam · 16/10/2024 18:21

WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 18:09

Keeps telling me I'm seeing too much of my mum, this angers me seeing as she's so lonely since dad died. She's also getting jealous of my friends grandchildren.

Don't worry about any of that.

Kay down your boundaries and stick to them.

If she's angry about your boundaries that's for her to work through.

Her jealousy regarding other people's life circumstances are none of your business, that's between them.

It sounds like she's incredibly lonely and insecure.

meercat23 · 16/10/2024 18:31

WiltshireGirl · 16/10/2024 18:09

Keeps telling me I'm seeing too much of my mum, this angers me seeing as she's so lonely since dad died. She's also getting jealous of my friends grandchildren.

Just tell her that there is nothing in the world you would rather do than spend time with your Mother. If she doesn't like it too bad for her.

Gazelda · 16/10/2024 19:48

It sounds as though she's used to you spending a lot of time with her. Unfortunately, the fairest way to handle this is to be honest.

"I'm spending more time with Mum at the moment. It's what we both want"

"I can't take the tickets. Get someone else to go with you."

"It's upsetting me that you keep getting annoyed at me."

"I'm grieving for my father and feeling smothered"

"I want to reduce the intensity of our friendship"

If you're not honest with her, she won't guess what's on your mind. She sounds needy, and you used to enjoy her company. The kindest thing for both of you is to be as honest as you can.

Say you value her friendship but your priorities are different right now.

Put it in Writing if it helps.

Be firm and consistent. If she persists, mute or block her.

WiltshireGirl · 17/10/2024 09:09

Trouble is she's very obstinate and thick skinned, she's comes out with bitchy comments if she can't get her own way. Even her youngest daughter gets fed up with her.

This woman is in her sixties and so nosy and interfering.

OP posts:
viques · 17/10/2024 09:35

WiltshireGirl · 17/10/2024 09:09

Trouble is she's very obstinate and thick skinned, she's comes out with bitchy comments if she can't get her own way. Even her youngest daughter gets fed up with her.

This woman is in her sixties and so nosy and interfering.

So sorry to hear about your dad.

Gazelda has given you some good phrases to use to stop her in her tracks.

Very useful to use to reply to text messages, have them written down too so you can use them on the phone to her.

If she comes back at you then just repeat the same message again, and again if you have to.

Don’t be tempted to try to explain anymore., however she tries to provoke you, just say the same thing again. Eventually she will stop, the relief you will feel will be a good reminder for the next time!

If you can’t remember them when face to face and she is putting pressure on you then just say “ I am too upset to talk now / too upset to make plans now. I will contact you when I am ready.” And if you can leave the place where you are.

Is there anyone in your activity groups who you trust and could confide in? You could say , “ I am getting very stressed about XXX’s behaviour towards me, and it is upsetting me a lot. Can you keep an eye out and come and rescue me if you see me wave to you as a signal.”

WiltshireGirl · 17/10/2024 09:38

I have tried telling someone else, but he doesn't want to know about it. He has a beach hut and when he goes to it sometimes, she complains that he doesn't invite her. Wonder why...?

OP posts:
ThianWinter · 17/10/2024 09:42

You need to be firm and say no. She sounds lonely and a bit sad. Is she much older than you?

AccidentalTourism · 17/10/2024 09:54

OP this will only go one way, if you allow it, her control over you will increase.

End the friendship and move on with your life.

As difficult and as challenging this may be, she will control you otherwise. Don't allow it.

WiltshireGirl · 17/10/2024 23:27

ThianWinter · 17/10/2024 09:42

You need to be firm and say no. She sounds lonely and a bit sad. Is she much older than you?

Yes in her 60s.

OP posts:
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