Autism has damaged my relationship with my family

[TheSnugHare]

This will be a long post and is a personal story.
I was diagnosed autistic as a child, privately. I do have trauma as well due to abuse from other children at school and from a bipolar mother with severe mental health issues. I know that trauma can cause similar behaviours to autism and my diagnoses has been hard for me to accept sometimes but I am certain that I am autistic from my own observations and because I have done my research. I also have co-morbid conditions including misophonia, a processing disorder and ehlers danlos syndrome. I’m not sure you can have those things without being autistic? I have sensory issues with clothes as well. I am sensory seeking and have trouble socially and have always been “behind” other people my age.
when I left home at 16 I went to live with my dad for a few weeks. It became apparent to me that he was also autistic, although he denied it. His needs were severe and having an impact on everyone else. He couldn’t manage his money, couldn’t make decisions, couldn’t think straight and didn’t understand boundaries. He wore headphones everywhere, had special interests, and had a lot of downtime on his Xbox. I don’t know if it was part of his autism but he would never take no for an answer, would be nasty and condescending towards his own mother, and argue with her for hours. He couldn’t seem to regulate his emotions. He would sleep in until lunch time, doesn’t work, clearly had mental health issues. When I tried to tell him that I am autistic, he denied it because I have severe trauma. My grandma who works in mental health also thought the same because it can mimic autistic symptoms and traits. Every accommodation I needed was denied or every reaction I had was put down to my trauma. I couldn’t eat around others but I was forced to or I didn’t get to eat. When I was ill and on the verge of collapse he would make me walk out in the snow with him because he didn’t want to leave me home alone. He kept trying to stick ridiculous rules onto me and complained that I wasn’t doing the dishes when I was lying down in bed feeling like shit because I was ill. But because of the way his autism effects him I don’t think he could understand that and basically said I was being a naughty teenager not following rules. I was forced to go to Nando’s for my birthday and had a panic attack because it was too busy and loud. He insisted on using my bath water to save money and walked in on me after I told him not to because I was in my bath towel! He kept hugging me and kissing me because he didn’t understand boundaries and kept telling me I “liked it” because he could not understand that I don’t like what he likes. It was the same because he couldn’t comprehend that I didn’t like music, had no interest in going to concerts or playing the guitar, all things he likes to do and thought I like to do just because he does. My grandma knew I wanted to leave and thought I was trying to turn her against her son and would try and use him to get a free house because she knew I wanted to leave home and be independent. I don’t think I could articulate that living with my family if they had been decent would have been my first choice. my dad was arrested because him touching me counted as sexual assault even though I don’t really think he meant it like that. It’s been over two years since I’ve seen them or spoken to them and my counsellor advised me to write her a letter because I have wanted to speak to her about it but I don’t know where to start. I don’t want to lose the little family I have left and I wish they understood.

I just want to be clear that I’m looking for advice on wether I should write a letter at all and advice on writing it if so

Bump

Oh goodness. What a lot you’ve been through. Are you safe now?

For context: I’m autistic, diagnosed in my early 50s. So much of what you describe about your childhood resonates with me.

Only you can know if you want to write the letter or not. I’d suggest getting some counselling to help you process your trauma and your feelings around your autism diagnosis and your - clearly - very neglectful and abusive childhood. But if you DO write the letter, don’t send it. At least not straight away.

Would you like some suggestions of how to access counselling, and other support resources for autism? In the first place, if you google Tony Attwood you will probably find his stuff very helpful - he’s an acknowledged expert in autism in women, along with Michelle Garnett.

💐

Hi OP. It sounds as though you and your family have been through alot. I can relate to much of what you've described about your relationship with your father and I've felt the same anguish to 'fix' things due to the constant disfunction and miscommunication.

My father is an alcoholic and I always felt him to be wildly different from society's typical view of a dad. As an adult it's glaringly obvious he has Autism and has been using the alcohol to 'cope' but at 65 and in poor health, I fear it's too late to approach him with this. There has been mentions over the years but he rejects any talk around neurodivergence, doesn't believe its a thing.

I am a diagnosed autistic woman but have chosen no to tell my family because they'll never understand it. I've accepted that life is the way it is for us and I keep my communication with family to a minimum.

My advice would be to write the letter but to resist sending it to your family. Write it as a cathartic exercise and then get rid of it and focus on accepting yourself as an autistic person and making peace with the family dynamic you'll never have with your paternal family.

Does your therapist know you're autistic? Are you sure your therapist meant to write a physical letter? Often the advice is write the letter, but don't send it. It's a way of getting your thoughts and feelings down on paper so YOU can process them better.

Families are complex. You don't have to stick with family that are harmful to your wellbeing. A good family should make you feel loved, appreciated and supported. If they only give you abuse and drama it's often best to step away from them. Create your own support network with friends, colleagues, hobbies, Internet friends.

Only you know whether it's worth reaching out to your Nan and Dad. Bear in mind that it could go good or bad. They might not respond to your request for contact. Or they may want to see you but the you come away from the meeting feeling worse than you do now. You may need to accept that the relationship is over or that it'll only ever be surface level interaction. In my experience trying to forge a good relationship with abusive family members will never end well for you.

I'm autistic too. Why was your dad forcing you to go to Nando's and converts if he hates the noise too?

I hope he didn't SA you?

I have both EDS and misophonia and I don’t have Autism. (I have diagnosed ADHD, so not unrelated.) People are not the nicest species. It’s not because you have Autiwm but because they were/are arseholes who did not make any attempt to know or understand you. I am sure you have people in your life who do. Most people are surrounded by lots of acquaintances who barely know their true self. I’ll bet that your circle if smaller, is richer and more fulfilling than they will ever comprehend.

I’m so sorry to read all that @TheSnugHare I’m not massively knowledgeable about this area but I think the advice to write a letter and send it, is not good advice. I don’t think your grandma will change her position and suddenly understand what you have gone through. From what I know (mainly from reading) you certainly sound autistic. Indeed, you were diagnosed as such as a child. So I wouldn’t be questioning that. The fact that neither your dad or grandma accept that you are autistic does not mean you are not. (I have always had it drummed into me that the elders know best and should not be gainsaid EVER because they are always right just by virtue of being older. Not true and I am only just truly believing that at 50! So maybe you are the same.)

You also definitely have trauma too. They treated you terribly and you sound like you suffered from your mum and school as well. The trauma was heaped on top of the autism, it’s not an either/or situation.

Writing a letter and not sending it, burning it or shredding it instead might be cathartic. Trauma informed therapy might be a better fit for you. I worry that your grandma’s reaction to a letter would traumatise you more and not achieve anything in terms of her understanding. She probably somehow feels she is standing up for her son or the family genes or some such rubbish. Your dad sounds absolutely autistic also by the way, you’re right about that. What level of contact do you have with them now?

I dont think he does hate noise. If he does I don’t know. He wore headphones all of the time. He thought I liked Nando’s because he does. He thought I would want to go there for my birthday just because he does. He gave me a lecture about not going to concerts and getting into trouble. I never would have gone because I hate loud noises especially ones that I can’t get away from and they give me panic attacks. For a while I thought he was a narcissist until I read about not being able to understand that someone else is different can be an autistic trait.

If he felt a bit off suddenly he would telling me to rest but if he was well and I really wasn’t he’d be giving me lectures about doing chores around the house and going out in the snow with him to get his vapes everyday. He would do things like, say he doesn’t have very much money and he doesn’t have much a Budget for food then spend £700+ a month on vapes (I counted how much he spends every single day on it) and give all of his spare change away to shop keepers and tell them to keep it. Meanwhile complaining about how much it costs to keep the heating on and complaining about the cost of me having a bath which would have been pennies. I told him to switch to an electric vape then but he wouldn’t because he wanted to support shop he got the vapes from as he was friends with the man behind the till.

According to the police, what he did counted as sexual assault because he was forcing kisses, hugs and cuddles on to me and when I told him I was in my towel came in. I’m sure it wasn’t his intent if he is autistic and it’s how it affects him but it will have had an effect on me. He isn’t diagnosed and has a very specific idea about what autism looks like and doesn’t believe that I am autistic he wouldn’t have considered himself

i haven’t spoken to him since I left. I was staying with him and he was arrested and that day I left and never came back. I didn’t speak to my grandma or grandad either because I knew my grandma would just be angry that her son had been arrested and think I was evil

Gosh - this could have been written by me. So many parallels in your experiences OP, and I think another poster who suffered traumatic experiences with a father clearly struggling with symptoms of autism and emotional dysregulation and abusing alcohol to cope (I know mine had probably been traumatised by his mother too, so it's generational).

Unfortunately what this led to - like yourself - was a history of personal trauma and no reliable caregiver around to teach me how to regulate my own emotions. When I was in my 20s, I was diagnosed with BPD - I now feel angry that this may well have been inaccurate/ a misdiagnosis and that what I actually needed help with was 1) complex traumatic stress and 2) looking into possible neurodivergence. No professional ONCE during this time suggested either of these 2 options. Instead, I got stamped with a heavily stigmatised label that was later weaponised against me by an abusive male partner. I feel like if I was male, the BPD diagnosis would not have been handed out so quickly.

I've not been diagnosed with autism just yet, but it was finally suggested by my private psychotherapist that I possibly did have autism and ADHD too. It feels a lot more reassuring to know that it might just be the way my brain is wired - not a set of personality 'flaws'. My brother was recently diagnosed, so it likely runs in the family.

If I am autistic, I've spent years masking it, but it's really exhausting and has quite obviously resulted in burnout and what were assumed to be BPD meltdowns. I'm very curious to know.

As for the letter, I second the suggestion from another poster about writing one for yourself to destroy before writing one to your family. It can be risky and sometimes cause more problems - they won't necessarily read it the way you intended.

I hope you are able to find some answers and peace within yourself - what you've gone through sounds awful OP. Be kind to yourself.