Friendless and depressed

[Underagreycloud]

Hello,

I suffered with a short bout of depression a few years ago, probably triggered by a combination of lockdown and hating my job at the time. Eventually changed jobs and recovered from it and been in a good place for 3 years now. For the last couple of days I feel it creeping on again though. It’s the same sense of lack of interest in anything and just wanting to get into bed and sleep. I didn’t go down the medication route and I’m not sure I want to.

My life is good. I have a great DH, amazing DC, family, health, home, a job I like, hobbies, holidays etc. The one thing I am missing in life is friends and it plays on my mind from time to time. Throughout life I’ve made friends in different contexts but nothing has ever lasted once I’ve left those environments (school, university, workplaces etc.) I try to tell myself that this is just what happens as adults as people move, change, drift away etc but I see people around me with busy social lives and it makes me question this. I’ve convinced myself that because I'm so out of practice and because I'm so uninteresting no one would want to be friends with me. I’m not a great storyteller, I don't have entertaining anecdotes to tell and I don't have an opinion on absolutely everything. The truth is that I find it hard to click with people and I’m constantly racking my brain for things to talk about. My feelings are also reinforced by the fact that I've tried hard to put myself out there with so many people but rarely does anyone do that with me or reciprocate the invitations. At the school gates I see mothers talking to each so effortlessly and I wish I could do that but it’s all so alien and I don’t want to stand on the edges like a total loser so I avoid it.

More than needing anything for myself though I feel like I’m failing my children by not showing them how to be social. I worry that they will grow up with the same deficiencies that I have and I really don’t want that for them. What should I do?

I think it's really hard to make friends as a grown up. I am a social person but it's hard to click with someone. Have you tried joining a WI group or doing a hobby you are interested in? It's easier to socialise in those sorts of environments.

@Goldenphoenix Thanks for responding ❤️ I’ve heard WI are more for retiree women, is that right? I’m mid 30s with a young family so not sure whether it’s the right group for me. As for hobbies, I’ve tried looking at groups but haven’t found anything that appeals. I like playing an instrument (but it’s not a band one) and working out (I’m really unfit and sporty so hate the idea of a class).

Making friends as adults can seem daunting and not as easy.

How old are your DC? Could you arrange a play date and possibly get to know their friends mums? I'm not saying you will become friends, but it might help build social interactions even if it feels a little awkward at first.

Over the years I have ended up making friends with some of the mums from my DC school. I know some people only talk to parents if they have to and while their children are at the school, but I have stayed in contact with some of the mums even after our DC have moved on to different schools and we still meet up a few times a year.

You may find you have things in common or enjoy the same hobbies. You won't know if you have anything in common with these mums until you have the opportunity to get to know them. You will also come across some mums that you know you don't want to socialise with.

Have you tried meetup.com? There might be something local you can join. Any book clubs, courses, hiking groups, film clubs, volunteering in the area?

Op, WI groups are all different. Some meet in the day (and hence will have an older demographic) and some meet in the evening. I'm a WI vice president, message me if you help in finding a group.

Have you tried a PTA meeting?

Have you looked on Facebook? In my area there’s a YANA, you are never alone, group. Women of various ages, some younger than you. They have regular meet ups, going for a coffee, lunch, pub, walks etc. I would say that our local WI is very much the older end, I’d considered joining, I’m 57 but would probably be the youngest by at least 15 years.

Aww that is tough! You have a great family, so that is a good start. I think keep trying to make friends. I’m in my 40s and what I have realised last ten years is so many have come and gone, good friends for a while but then drifted. Keep making an effort, try new things etc. Mt DS mixes with ease and neither me nor his dad do, so I wouldn’t worry about that, they go their own way.

Some of the WIs around here have a much younger demographic so it's worth looking into if you are after some younger friends. How about a choir too? So uplifting to be part of!