Friends who do something to make you reevaluate your friendship

[amigaamigo]

I have a friend "Bethan" who I've been good friends with for a few years. Recently she met a bloke on tinder and he messed her about and cheated on her so she ended things but then got back with him because she's going on holiday and needs someone to look after her 3 dogs and 2 cats and he said he'd do it. She's recently inherited half a million and can easily afford professional care. There's been other things too but this is the thing that's really made me reevaluate things along with asking for her help in a medical emergency and she said no. Looking back there were other things that were odd but nothing on their own. This is a friend I've supported through numerous break ups both romantic and friendships and family issues. I feel used and can see it now that she's using this new boyfriend. I'm such a mug. I hate conflict and would never say anything plus this new boyfriend will take her time and attention so she might not notice I'm not as available. I like my own company in the main but she's a social butterfly.

What happened to make you reevaluate a friendship? A massive fall out would be better than this build up of small things then one bigger thing to make me open my eyes.

Thinking about it, I don't do very well with friendships and never have. I'm autistic and don't have many close friends but due to my very black and white thinking I tend to be less forgiving of anything like I've described once I've realised that it's shit. I think I'm just cross with myself more than my friend and moaning here because I don't have anyone irl to grumble to. I'll have a little pity party for one then move on

I've asked HQ to move this to chat.

I think I've got that thing people call the ick. It could be hormonal or seasonal considering I get a bit down this time of year and I'm in full swing peri but this is really getting to me this week and it's not like me.

As I expected she hasn't been around much but I go past her house every day and her boyfriend is always there. I'm not stalking her btw she lives on my route to school and work. She goes on holiday next week and I doubt she'll be FaceTiming me a couple of times a week like she did last time. She's not been in touch at all this week and we normally chat a couple of times a week for ages plus texts to and fro every day. It's quite hurtful to have been dumped for a man who she admitted she is using as a pet sitter but I've learnt a valuable lesson on friendships.
It's been cathartic to post here even if there's been no responses 🤣

If you enjoy her company try to see the relationship in less transactional terms. You can say, I enjoy seeing X when we do X and invite her. It sounds like she has been selfish but not unforgivably so?

2 types imo

1. those who are not there for yu either when things go wrong or you have a big life event
2. those who are only interested when your life is shit and they relish in the drama..then disappear when you sort yourself out.

@CountFucula we don't actually go anywhere together. That's another thing I noticed. She only does things with friends who have cars. I don't drive and she doesn't have a car. She often falls out with friends then next thing I know she's telling me she's been to somewhere in their car with them. This guy she's seeing has a car and for all she's told me things about him that she knows are red flags she's continuing so that she has a pet sitter free of charge. I've noticed she only sees her family if they come to her but complains she doesn't see them often.
I thought our outlook and values were similar and they just aren't. It's been a disappointing eye opener this new bloke appearing on the scene. She didn't tell me about him for weeks because she knew I'd pick up on the red flags.

I tend to tolerate a lot from people and look past things that I don't like. Within reason of course. I've said this before on chats like this where someone asks if they should phase a friend out and I've been called a door mat and a pathetic people pleaser, thanks MN!! But in a way it's more than that and it is transactional in another way. I like having a big social circle and if that means keeping my mouth shut sometimes I will. Perhaps that makes me two faced. I do have dealbreakers but I think my threshold might be different to some. I couldn't support someone having an affair for example.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I was the same and looked past things but as I've got older my tolerance for everything has got lower.

Knock it on the head. I give a lot in friendships and I expect some support in return.

This summer an old established friend couldn't be arsed to even text me when I was going through something devastating. Despite my always through decades supporting her. All I can think is she wanted out. Like you I've been unpicking things and I wish she had just dropped me before this thing happened to me. I tolerate alot. But I'm done.

I’m also dumping a ‘friend’ this week after she lied and was found out - trust has gone.

Thats OK, who wants friends you can’t trust or rely on.

In the nicest possible way, OP, I think you need to take some responsibility here. She’s not solely responsible for the fact that you say you misinterpreted her character for quite a long time, or for the fact that you refuse to address the issues in your friendship because you’re conflict-averse. What’s in this friendship for you now ? If it still has some value, continue it, but expand your friendship circles. If not, step away.

@Bullaun I hadn't thought of it being my responsibility. Thank you for pointing that out.

Never had a massive fallout, but stopped bothering with people who kept gaving me shoddy reasons to flake out of arrangements ('I'm a bit tired', 'Oh, I didn't realise it would take so long to get there' or being noncomittaly 'I'll have to see what I'm doing nearer the time')

Flaky friends are a pita. I had one like that once. I'd be sat there like an idiot in a cafe for an hour wondering where she'd got to. I only did that once mind!