Do you feel different about people who died?

[AutumnMood]

I have complex relationship with my parents, DF was and still is emotionally abusive, mean when’re we speak on birthdays etc. They are in another country, cannot travel to me really, so I chose when to visit.

DM - felt loved by her, now as I am entering middle age, I question why she has done nothing to protect me from him and often made it look like it was me who can’t handle his abuse “just don’t pay attention”. I know why - she didn’t want to be divorced, wanted decorum of the marriage. I am trying to forgive her this, we all make mistakes but my dislike of him grows, as he has never changed.

I wonder when he dies, will I feel regret for not being more accepting of him?

Hi, this is something that worries me greatly.

I don't have any answers for you and I am also interested in peoples thoughts. I can't change the way DF is, how he treats us and his actions. There is a level of acceptance I have reached but I do worry about how I will feel about our relationship once he isn't around anymore. Do I give in to his behavior now to avoid guilt after? The alternative is to try to accept there is nothing I can do to change the way his is and pay out for a lot of counselling one day.

Not entirely the same situation but my aunt cut my entire family off when I was 5/6. I had the closest relationship with her, she adored me and I adored her. Then one day, gone.

I hated her then and I hate her now. Always will do.

I think it makes grief more complicated when the relationship is not straight forward. You mourn for the lost potential relationship as well as the lost person.

Even worse may be if your father dies first your mother may re-write history about how great he was, then your relationship with her will suffer further.

It might be better to deal with the relationships through therapy now rather than when they die? If you haven’t already.

Hi OP, your post resonates with me. My father died almost seven years ago. I don't have regrets but I do have acceptance of his life events (he was a German PoW) which affected him deeply. I think it's easier to look back on how somebody's life turned out very differently from how they imagined, once they have died. There wouldn't have been any point trying to discuss this with him when he was alive - he didn't tolerate discussion.

Equally my mother, who is 94, wouldn't have thought that her place was anywhere but to support him, even if his actions caused her pain. For example I wasn't permitted in the family home for several years after my ex left me and I became a single parent. I have found that time is the best healer and that resentment only hurts us, nobody else.

I have two instances of this, an uncle and ex-step father, both nasty pieces of work (one outright and didn't hide it, the other in a more less direct way). I was not close with either of them but of course they were in my life especially as a child when I had no control over it. They've both died and I feel no differently towards either of them now that they've passed, they were not nice people and that hasn't changed from their deaths.

It's v complicated. If you HAD to write his Eulogy today, what would you say?

@Saz12 This is such a profound question. Truthfully, I would keep it civil and focus on things he loves like his garden and car. I would not bring myself or DM into this eulogy.

I think it is more likely that perhaps you will end up grieving for the father he should have been and never was.

My DH was estranged from his mum several years before she died.
He felt no different after she died, he didn't go to see her on her deathbed (I found that difficult as I'm a mother myself. But then again I'm not horrible to my children)
I supported his choices as I'd seen the pain she caused him. He felt a sense of relief once she'd finally gone.