Long story;
I was adopted as a baby but found my birth mother (BM) when I was 21.
My mum knows that I traced my BM and family and that I am in contact with them. Both my mothers have met each other once, it did not go well. Since then my adoptive mum has asked that my BM does not send birthday cards to my children as adoptive mum finds it upsetting and considers them 'her' grandchildren not my BMs. BM has respected this and has ceased sending cards etc. She just wants to maintain contact while respecting mums wishes.
Mum now has vascular dementia and is declining.
My eldest child (37) recently had a birthday and I posted on Facebook to celebrate. BM commented 'happy birthday to my grandson' and mum replied that he only has one set of grandparents and that BM is not it.
Mum then sent a rude DM to someone on FB who shares the same name as my BM stating that mums grandchildren are nothing to do with my BM. BM called me to let mw know about this and I sent apologies to the person on FB.
I have told mum that she needs to stop sending these messages to my BM and she replied that I needed to stop BM from messaging. We had a family gathering at the weekend and although I didn't want to attend, I did go. Mums husband apologised for her messaging but said that he didn't know about the messages until after she had sent them. Both my son, daughter and daughter in law have all told mum that the messaging is inappropriate and that she should stop doing it. The afternoon went well although it was uncomfortable in places. However as I left, she whispered in my ear, 'sort this out for me'. She wants me to tell my BM not to contact us or comment on our FB posts. I'm not prepared to do this.
Mum just doesn't understand how upsetting I find all of this. She is putting me in the middle and I think it's unfair and unreasonable. I know that part of this is due to her diagnosis but she has always been this way. She causes an issue and then takes no responsibility for the fall out. It's always someone else's fault. It's always been that it is her way or no way.
AIBU to be so upset about all of this? I feel that she is being totally unreasonable but cannot reason with her due to her illness.