When did your relationship go back to ‘normal’

[Laurenlozz]

After kids? 2 young DS’ (2y8mo and 8mo) and I feel just so roomatey

we don’t get time alone. Our youngest won’t go to anyone , our eldest was comfortable with grandparents so we had dates etc but our youngest is still very attached as babies are ! So we haven’t had a date in a while again lucky we got the oppurtunity with our first to have dates I know some people don’t have the village we do who are willing to help!

but yes it just feels very roommate like. I can t be bothered having sex. It’s not him. I just don’t want to have sex at all I want to sleep. Youngest isn’t the best sleeper either so I am up still a lot. Back to work soon too so I just feel drained overwhelmed

and not sexy. My hair needs a cut and styling, my skin isn’t nice. My body has changed and not gone bigger I’ve lost a bit of weight and I’m slightly tall so just feel like I look like a bit unattractive bean pole

Ive heard all of this is common after kids but when did things start feeling more normal for you and your partners ?

/ feel like a relationship again

Probably sounding really negative but it’s never the same again. Not saying it’s bad it’s just different. Life moves on.

Does the roommate style phase leave a bit? Maybe sounding a bit unrealistic in my post I know it won’t be like when we started etc

Not until the youngest was about 9/10 tbh.

Once youngest was 3

I know I don’t help from my side as I have 0 sex drive and don’t feel attractive but I don’t know when my sex drive would return ? As that’s a part of feeling like a relationship rather than just room mates isn’t jt

When youngest got to about 9/10 here too sadly!

This is just my opinion but if you want to feel close to your partner, then start up the sexual intimacy yourself. It doesn't have to be the deed, it can just be touching, kissing, being naked together etc. Take it slowly. If your partner loves you, they will love you even if your body isn't perfect. Let them see it and appreciate you. My partner and I started intimacy pretty quickly after both kids because even if I didn't feel 100% into it all the time, I wanted us to feel close and like partners again not just co-parents. (Not saying anyone should force themselves obviously).

I agree with @MyEarringsAreGreen - if you don’t use it you lose it!

the single best thing we did was started kissing every day. Proper snogging. Once a day as a minimum. Hand holding, bedtime cuddling. Sometimes it led to more, sometimes it didn’t. Being naked together is also key, hard this time of year but in the summer we often went to bed naked and sometimes just feeling skin on skin got you up for it, sometimes feeling him get aroused would help. Sometimes neither of us wanted to and that was ok. But the sexual intimacy is definitely key.

do what makes you feel sexy. Dress in clothes you love, do your hair and make up if that makes you feel good. It’s half the battle.

Kids don't enhance a marriage in the way that people (women) think. They don't "bring you together" - certainly not in the early years. You really need to keep the intimacy alive OP. Men aren't as besotted with babies as women are and if they feel the baby has robbed them of their relationship, then that way lies trouble. I'm not saying it's right but in my experience it is a fact.

No this does make sense. Hes made comments about how he feels like I only prioritise the kids and he’s not on my list etc

Thank you I guess I just need to force myself to try and get my sex drive back (not force myself to have sex, good suggestions from you all about starting with intimacy and also trying to make make myself good)

Yeah this. Get naked / cuddle up in bed to watch a show or chat and you’ll most likely find some intimacy / desire returning. It’s not something you can switch on between making packed lunches and getting ready for bed; you need to create space and time where you don’t feel rushed or pressured, and there’s a high chance it’ll happen naturally. Also I’d suggest staying off hormonal contraception (and use condoms!). Anecdotal but all the hormonal options completely killed my sex drive.