Eye contact

[arinya]

DD (just turned 12). Struggles with eye contact. Not with everyone, but I would say most people. She says she just finds it a bit awkward. Already had a full asd assessment and didn’t meet enough criteria to get a diagnosis. But has traits and this is one of them.

She is working on it but does anyone have any tips? I’ve suggested to look for 2-3 seconds each time someone speaks to her. She has good eye contact with me and her dad. I’m not sure she has always been this way, I do think she has become more self conscious since around age 8 maybe. Definitely has some anxious traits and has always taken a while to warm up socially but you wouldn’t think she was shy once she gets going.

I'm a fair bit older than your DD and have never overcome it. In my personal view, it's not something that I could actually "work on". I can't even look at portrait photographs of people. It makes me deeply, intensely uncomfortable, and I'm immediately overcome with a sense of horror and doom so I have to look away. It's less intense with actual people in the flesh, but usually the only time I'll deliberately make eye contact is at the end of a statement when I'm inviting someone to respond, and even then it's just a glance to make sure I have their attention. It tends to lessen the longer I'm in someone's company, but only with people I'm extremely close with, so when my partner arrives it sometimes takes 10-15 minutes before there is eye contact, but afterwards its more frequent and occurs naturally.

I don't have any tips I'm afraid, because like I said I've never overcome it, but I'm just a little bit concerned that if your DD experiences it they way I do then trying to encourage her to change it might well make her extremely uncomfortable, and I don't think I'd have coped well with that at DD's age.

She’s just started secondary school and the head of year has already asked her if she struggles with it so she said she does. She has said she would like to work on it so I don’t feel like I’m forcing her, but I guess she is aware that others might find her rude otherwise

I’ve never mastered it in regular day to day, but when it counts eg interviews, presentations, etc. I have little prompts written on my notes!

I also am dreadful at eye contact especially with people I am unfamiliar with or if it is regarding something serious. I’d suggest focusing on their nose or mouth as it takes the pressure away of eye contact but also gives the illusion of eye contact. My partner says I still tend to do the looking behind people instead of at them but I am working on it & this is what I find helps me. As I will flick between eyes, nose or mouth.

I was a bit younger than your DD when a teacher told me I needed to make eye contact or people would think I was untrustworthy! That was in the 80s, hopefully teachers don’t say things like that now. I taught myself to do the eye contact and now well over 30 years later I can do it almost without thinking, but it won’t ever be a natural thing. I compare it to my grandad who was punished at school for being left-handed so successfully learned to use his right hand, but was never 100% comfortable.

So basically it can be learned but it’s not easy, maybe there are resources online that could help? Some kind of role play you could do together or something.