Overwhelming anxiety, worried about causing bad luck by shopping and changing

[blackdogatmyheels]

I know this sounds loopy to anyone who hasn't experienced this, but I suffer terribly from anxiety and that includes doing and avoiding things to mitigate bad luck.

At the moment I feel incredibly uneasy about changing my online deliveries to a different supermarket, purely on the basis that they deliver from a warehouse, so I can plan around stock shortages, whereas my usual one is from a store, and has substitutions normally, I imagine Christmas would be worse, so am planning for having at least some ingredients for a decent meal.

Problem is I can't help worrying about it. Last year I used a different supermarket and our car was destroyed in a fire, then this year DH was made redundant. So although I'm happy with the shop, I don't want to use it too much and cause more bad things to happen.

The store I've now changed to I used when DD's marks dropped at school slightly, and she has now started her GCSE's and I hate to think that my actions are going to harm her chances.

I used a completely different supermarket previously, but then my Dbro died, followed the next year by my dad.

I'm aware (from talking to friends), that this is not what most people think.

I have been under CMHT for years, but when I talked about my superstition things to a psychiatrist (at the time my Dbro was ill, but expected to get better and our car, just randomly as it was fine - not the one destroyed in a fire), she told me I had magical thinking and I was wrong, and that I was just negative and to stop my superstitions....within months our car engine blew up and had to be scrapped and my Dbro suddenly died, this leads me to think that CBT therapists and psychiatrists can't be trusted.

I just want some reassurance that by changing supermarkets is not going to make everything go wrong.

You must be aware on at least some level that this thinking is not rational, at all.
There is absolutely no way that your choice of supermarket could have any impact on the state of your car engine or your brothers health.
The connections you are making between entirely unrelated events are not rational.
You need to continue with some therapy in order to help you deal with this disordered thinking.

I'm sorry you're going through this, a good friend suffered from anxiety and I know it's a very difficult condition. She has improved a lot with medication, have you tried any? Or if you have, would you consider a change of medication or dose? My friend didn't change her personality, but is able to live her life with a lot less stress.

About your question about changing supermarkets, I'm very confident that it won't make anything go wrong in your life.

Would it be less stressful to shop in person, rather than online, as you can decide what substitutions you want to make. You could shop at a quiet time - I know in my local supermarket it's very quiet mid-morning on a weekday, or when they first open on the weekends.

Lots of people have superstitious beliefs, don't walk under a ladder, crossing paths with a black cat, not walking on the joins on paving slabs, lucky underpants, beware Friday the 13th. None of them are actually lucky or unlucky, but coincidences make it seem like they are and once it's in your head it's difficult to shake.

Your choice of supermarket delivery will make no difference to what happens in your life, good things will happen and bad things will happen whichever one you use. Your logical brain knows that it's just convincing the other bits.

I guess anxiety is a part of it but that way of thinking is actually a form of ocd “magical thinking” ocd is not just cleaning and the fact that you are avoiding things/creating your own superstitions & rituals to avoid bad luck/disasters happening is ocd.
you can try and refer to talking therapies which might help a bit.
Sympathies as I know how stressful it is thinking you are influencing bad things to happen

I'm on medication - a mood stabiliser, an antipsychotic, antidepressant and sleeping tablets. To be honest it got a bit worse when the mood stabiliser was changed.

I know it's disordered thinking, but I feel everything is so out of control that I have to do things (or not do things) to stop bad things happening.

For example, before he was made redundant I had to play certain games on my tablet, in a certain order, before sleeping, even when I was barely functional, I did this so he would be safe.

The only time I didn't do this was when I had an operation and couldn't, strangely everything was fine, but still the impulse returned when I was recovering.

The only bad thing that happened that didn't have superstition attached was when one of my children died, but I still feel uneasy watching things from that year or listening to music from that year, as it feels too dangerous.

I'm sure my logical mind does know, it's like this inner fear inside is much stronger than any logic.

I'm surprised your psychiatrist didn't mention OCD.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is when people have invasive thoughts and often the bargaining that you mention (which your anxiety tells you will stop the bad things happening) can take the form of a ritual.

OCD is an anxiety disorder and can be overlooked if there are no rituals that keep the bad things at bay (such as switching a light switch on and off three times, tapping a table, saying a phrase etc.).

However, there is a form of OCD (sometimes referred to as Pure O) where there are no rituals to keep the negative thoughts at bay but there is avoidance of the things that are believed to be causing the bad stuff to happen.

Would suggest you explore Obsessive Compulsive Disorder online, see if if sounds like what you're experiencing.

The good news is that OCD can be treated and you don't have to leave with these fears (which you already know aren't connected to the terrible things that have happened).

The truth is nothing you've done or will do can influence the kinds of things you've mentioned. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is often used to treat anxiety disorders (such as OCD) and acknowledging the thoughts is the first step. You'll learn to recognise them for what they are, just thoughts with no power, and let them drift by without settling and influencing what you do (such as not using a certain supermarket).

Hugs to you, it sounds like it's been a rough time. Be kind to yourself.