Scheduling sex in marriage - has anyone actually made this work?

[lionkin]

Does anyone have a success story about scheduling sex in marriage? Specifically those with young children, busy lives, work etc etc.

We are juggling all the above plus perimenopause and sex life has been low quantity and quality since our last child was born - they are now 4! Our dynamic is probably the most common / typical one: that my libido has crashed and I'm often tired in the evenings but husband still wants it. (I've started on HRT for peri - not solely for this reason but hoping it may help with that too).

We have read about scheduling sex and know that many people recommend this for couples at our age / stage of life to try to get things back on track. I'm a bit cynical however and would love to hear if anyone has actually made this work? What happens if as the woman you really don't feel like it or feel tired on a night it is scheduled? How does it work in practice?

If one of us isn't feeling it on a particular night, then we just don't have sex. There's an expectation on those nights, but it's definitely never a certainty. We'll just wait until the next time.

This is awful can I ask why you’re having sex? There is no way in hell I’d have sex if I had to suffer like this, are you being coerced?

Also I don’t understand how your partner can have ses with you knowing this is what happens. ?

We schedule it in the sense of it'll be on a weekend in the evening. We have a 2 year old who stopped napping and we've got an 11 week old baby. We used to make the most of nap times when we just had one but now they're awake/asleep at different times, so it has to be once the toddler is asleep and the baby will go for a quick snooze in an evening. Weekdays my husband works long hours in a physical job and the toddler won't go to bed til late cos he's napped at nursery so our evenings are nonexistent.

It works for us for now until both kids settle into an earlier bedtime routine, we probs wouldn't do it otherwise!

Wow, lots of comments.

It's basically anything where I move, causes me stomach pain. Tbh, I have lived with it for so long I have learnt to cope with pain. Happens when I go running, do martial arts, housework, walking, anything.

Re why I have sex, because I love my husband and I do enjoy sex just not the after effects. It used to cause problems for us, because DH used to feel rejected by me as I would say no if I was in pain and i think his immature man brain thought it was like the old "i have a headache" excuse. But he's older and wiser and now never cooerces or forces me. He understands my health issues, as they have worsened as I got older and he's matured into a man who isn't just obsessed with sex.

Probably makes him sound awful, he isn't. It just took a while for him to understand. I've often raised with him that there will get a point when I cannot do it anymore at all, and he's fine with that.

The trick is to make yourself see it through the lens of “looking forward to something nice” like dinner out with friends or a facial, rather than a chore along with putting out the bins.

Also, investigate testosterone if you’re on HRT. Worked wonders for my libido.

We never forced each other, but it was rare one of us said not today. It was always respected though and we had a nice cuddle.
Most of the time after a busy week we both looked fwd to it and being close

I guess we do schedule it really as we seem to have such busy lives at the moment. Tends to be Thursday nights and sometime over the weekend, preferably in the afternoon - as I prefer that. To be honest once a week would be plenty for me but dh has a higher sex drive than me.

When we didn't schedule, weeks and even months would go by without because we were so incredibly busy and tired. Dh would feel constantly rejected and it felt to me like he would always suggest at the stupidest times. We have a loose arrangement now for a particular evening but sometimes push it back by two days (the next day doesn't work). Dh is disappointed in this but it's the best I'm prepared to do. It would be once a month or so if it was entirely up to me.

Thanks these responses are helpful. I think where we've gone wrong is scheduling 3 separate days a week - Tues, Thurs & Sat. So far we haven't managed one week where we've done it on all three of those days. My husband has gone away for work, or we've had a particularly hectic day at work etc so it hasn't happened. I'm thinking that just saying Fri & Sat might be better.

Also, on Fridays we both wfh and so we see more of each other / sometimes get time for a coffee and a chat together. Saturdays we spend the day as a family. What I find difficult about weekdays is if we don't see each other at all till later in the evening at like 9pm after work and then suddenly I feel like I'm expected to turn on a switch. I feel like I'm better / more relaxed and open to it if I have spent some actual time with DH that day.

Not sure if that's relatable.

Because it's scheduled I tend to chose days I'm less likely to be tired etc, but if neither of us feels like it for whatever reason we reschedule.

NCed for this

We have been trying this lately and I think it does help.

Basically just going about our usual lives left us too tired at night to really think about it.

So we are now trying scheduling. We do one evening a week where for various reasons to do with kids activities, we eat early and so are done with dinner and cleaning up from dinner earlier than usual. And on Fridays we both WFH and find some time during the day. I like the Fridays best because the kids are both at school and it feels really decadent, like bunking off

I agree with a PP that the way it works for us is to look forward to it, enjoying the anticipation, sometimes sending the odd flirty text

We don't schedule it in terms of we'll do it next Thursday at 8pm, but it's more a case of a text in the morning asking if we want an early night tonight. Then we know to get DS bath and bedtime sorted early 🤣

When we were trying (and failing) to conceive, we scheduled it according to ovulation (obviously). It was neither painful nor enjoyable - just a task to be done. It didn't help our sex life in any way.

On the other hand, waiting for both to be "in the mood" can be difficult, so it's probably worth a try. Have to admit in my case it didn't add to my enthusiasm for the next time but it wasn't bad either. I think it could work.

Sounds like it's worth a try then.

OP, not being able to flip a switch after an exhausting day of work and DC definitely resonates. Frankly I'm v admiring of all of those doing it so frequently.

Wow that is a whole other issue have you been checked for SIBO or alternatively endo two conditions often overlooked. My DD had SIBO and any movement to her belly made her very ill and vomit. It sounds very difficult for you.

@lionkin going to your question of if you feel tired and break the schedule … its ok to say no, you can do it gently and still hug your dh and let him know you still love him / fancy him.
I think you’ve been too ambitious scheduling 3 times a week from zero. I don’t think 3 times is too much as dp and I are usually more than this but no small children plus both divorced so we get a lot of time for us. Maybe start with once a week and tbh if I know I’m going to have sex later in the day, I’m anticipating it, sending my dp naughty messages and in that mind frame of have a shower, put something sexy on and enjoy. It’s like scheduling a date really, it’s no big deal. Start gently, start the build up by making long touch and showing affection part of your normal day. Honestly it’s so much easier if you get used to each others touch and reconnect outside of the bedroom. Good luck!

I don't know what SIBO is, and I'm sure it's not endo.

To me, it feels like the acid in my stomach goes into overdrive. The pain is deep in my solar plexus and fuck me do I burp like a sailor.

But acid medications don't work, and an endoscopy/ultrasound said my stomach etc all looks normal. The last doctor I saw literally just shrugged and said it's a mystery that may never be solved and that was that.

My mum said even as a baby I would scream constantly and pull my legs up like I had stomach pain so it's clearly something in my physical make up but feck knows what.

Definitely get checked for SIBO Small intestine bacterial overgrowth. DD had gastro issues all her life and after the antibiotics for SIBO her life turned 360. It causes reflux like you describe.

There is quite a bit of evidence that scheduling sex does work in long term relationships. There still needs to be the flexibility to say no if you're not in the mood, but as PP have said, it keeps sex & intimacy on the agenda & prevents couples going for weeks/months without it. Even if sex doesn't happen as planned, it keeps the conversation open by reminding both that you had a plan & you don't want to leave things too long. Keeping this communication open can really help too, as it stops one or the other feeling dejected if sex doesn't happen.
There's also positives to building that anticipation & having something to look forward to in the day/week, which can bring couples together. It can also take the pressure off one partner always being the one to ask/initiate sex which can lead to difficulties.
I often recommend the podcasts and books by Dr Karen Gurney- aka The Sex Doctor on Instagram. She has some really good suggestions for managing these situations & her books are helpful.

wfh days are by default sex days because that is the only time when kids aren't in the house and we are. luckily, we both work flexible hours