My mum compares me to others the same age as me

[Miffed52]

I'm 53 and my mum is 81 (and extremely young and sprightly mum). I live with her and we have supported each other since I was 6 when she became a widow (I'm an only child to a widowed mother). I have no family or friends - only a job.
Anyway, we both have wanted to move for years and years. I haven't any experience of moving anywhere. I do so much for my mum. I accompany her on hospital appointments, GP appointments, do endless chores around the home and next door have builders in and I've stayed off work to support her through it as next door is close to us and the noise is loud, etc, etc and I didn't want to leave her on her own. She'll say, "You've got money, it's only a stupid job anyway".
My mum keeps saying, "Such and such's son has helped his mum move", or "Eighty year old Janice* has moved", but these people have big families to help them, where I have none. She'll say, "You're 53 and can't even find a solicitor". I am desperate to move away too, but her constant comparisons to others who have way loads more support than me is making me drained and exhausted. I can't do what I can't do; there's only me!
Any thoughts or suggestions please? 😢😢. I know it's time to move away, but I don't know where to start and when I tell her her digs aren't pleasant she talks over me 😞.

Well I'm also an only child to a widow (dad died when I was 12) and it didn't stop me leaving home in my 20's and getting married.

Why have you never moved out?

I don’t get the “it’s only you” comment. Why would you need a whole family to help you move?
Have you only ever lived with your mother even up until you were 53?

I've never met anyone to marry, plus I always hung around to support mum 🤷. Even mum's 81 yo friend told mum I need to keep well to look after mum.

Yes 🤷

You could start by deciding where you want to live. Somewhere with easy access to work would be good. Preferably somewhere with things you like to do such as a cinema, theatre etc

Then look online for places in that area to rent. If you're not earning much, look at a house share.

This sounds so tough OP. Do you think maybe you’ve been using your responsibility to your mum as a bit of an excuse to avoid the scary reality of living alone? I imagine that moving out after all these years would feel like a massive thing. Do you want to do it? Can you afford to?

@Miffed52 , I’m a big supporter of children supporting their elderly parents and I think so many shirk what I see as their responsibility. You have been there for your mum and as a result you’ve not really lived your life. You’re still young enough to find a life for yourself. What would you like for you?
You could still find a life partner, you could still have fun and do things you may have dreamed about.
You could still be a support to your mum. Moving, well many people do that but think about you when you do it.

OP, you sound to be enmeshed with your mother. It’s a tough one, as we don’t know the full details, but to me it sounds as though your mum is putting you down to make herself feel better about relying on you so intensely for all of this time.

Whatever the reason, find your feet and the courage to go and being living your life how you want to.

Partly, yes. But I know it's time to move away. Everything about where we live is completely the reverse to how it once was.

Hasn't your mum had a career? She must have savings.

I can see how you might feel like you don't know where to start. If you and your mother own your win home, the first thing is to book for a couple of estate agents to view and value your property.

Tell them you've never moved before and they will talk you through the process.

@Miffed52 This is obviously a very difficult situation. I think perhaps you can kill two birds with one stone - am I right saying your mum wants your help in getting both of you to move together? It sounds as if you need the experience of dealing with the practicalities of a move, dealing with a solicitor etc. Many people have dealt with it on their own, myself included. There’s a first time for all of us dealing with this kind of thing.

So I would try and embrace the learning experience of the move. You will need these kind of experiences for later in life, presumably.

Having said that, I would also take the opportunity for the two of you live apart now, but I get the sense that you’re not going to want to do that.

it also sounds as if she doesn’t appreciate everything you do for her, but to be honest, the fact that you never moved out suggests to me that you got some benefit from that. If you had wanted to move out, you would have? It must surely be a mutually beneficial arrangement in order to have lasted this long?

did your mother specifically ask you to take time off work because there were builders next door? Or did you take it upon yourself to do that for some reason?

Moving house is daunting but remember there are professionals out there to advise you. Make a start by booking a couple of estate agents to value your property and they will talk you through everything and recommend solicitors/removal companies/morgage advisors etc.... Your mum sounds like she's being a bit mean so tell her to quit putting you down and start acting like a team.

Do one or both of you own your current house, OP?

Are you looking for someplace together or separately? To rent or to buy?

With answers to these questions we can help you. BTW your mum is wrong to keep making these comparisons

No it was me who misunderstood, I thought the OP wanted to move out alone.

OP, it isn’t clear why you can’t move. Maybe break the reasons on here and we can help address them. Is it lack of money? Is it not knowing the process? Something else?

I think that you need a plan of action if you want to move.
1/ Ask an 2/3 different estate agents to come and value your house.
2/ Think about where you want to move to and look at the properties on Right Move to see if you can afford to do so.
3/ Choose the estate agent you liked best to help out your property on the market. They can also help you with choosing a solicitor.
4/ Really tidy and declutter as much as you can before the photos and try and keep it as tidy as possible for people to view.
5/ Once you have an offer that you like on your property, make arrangements to view somewhere you would like to look at. You can do this by phoning the estate agent who is dealing with the property that you are thinking of buying.
6/ If you see one you really like, put an offer in on it.
7/ Get surveys done on the new place. Your estate agent can help point you in the right direction.
8/ On results of the survey you can pull out (if unhappy with the condition of the house), reduce your offer (to take into account the work needed) or stick with your current offer.
9/ Exchange contracts
10/ arrange removals when you find out the completion date
11/ complete and move!