How can my son be a bully?

[elliejjtiny]

I had a message from another parent saying that my son is bullying another child in the class, been going on for months apparently. I don't want to be one of those parents who think their child can do no wrong but my child has SN, has 1-1 support at school and the school haven't said anything to me. I don't understand how he has had the opportunity to bully anyone. I will obviously talk to the school on Monday but that is a long time away and I'm worried.

Having Sen isn’t an excuse. A 1-2-1 won’t be worth your child due the full school day, 10 mins with another child, lunch duty etc
the amount of stories I read in my work where schools don’t tell the parents of bullied kids what’s going on, never mind the parents of the bullies, they try and hide it.
if another child feels your child is bullying them then is likely they are

What example(s) did they give of the bullying OP?

I've known kids with a 1-1 having the opportunity to smash a window, even the absolute best fully attentive member of staff has to go to the toilet, take a break, loses focus for a few minutes.

What do they allege your son has done?

It's entirely possible this is happening even with a 1 to 1. Schools absolutely do cover up what they can. They also don't witness or fully appreciate or listen to each child's experience.

For me it would depend exactly what was said. I'd very politely and diplomatically ask for more information from them.

It's a difficult one isnt it as your not with your son 24/7 so cant 100% verify.

Childrens perceptione can be off and some parents do believe everything their children say. A few years ago my son fell into another child during P.E and knocked the child over as he was falling. Was witnessed by a teacher and was 100% an accident but the parent and child were adamant by son was a bully 🤦‍♀️

I wouldn’t engage with them, leave it until Monday to get the details from the school and teachers etc and then take it from there

So the “another parent” isn’t the parent of the child who is being bullied? And if it’s been “going on for months”, why hasn’t it been flagged up before - and what’s happened to make them contact you now?

It all sounds very odd. Just stay calm and call the school on Monday to ask if there are issues you need to be aware of.

My child got called a bully by another girl because she didn't want to be friends with her - my dd hadn't been nasty, just didn't have anything in common with this child so was always civil but didn't want to hang around with her. Some parents have different ideas of what that word means.

@Brendanigbaps if another child feels your child is bullying them then is likely they are
Just saying something doesn't make it so.
A dc not agreeing to only play with 1 dc who wants to keep them to them play and nobody else, isn't bullying them if they play with another child.
A dc not agreeing to only play one game isn't bullying to want to play something else.
@elliejjtiny speak to the school then act if you have to.

So the message wasn't from the parent of the child being bullied? Don't respond leave it well alone and speak to school on Monday. Even if it was from the parent of the child allegedly being bullied same advice applies.

Unfortunately 1-2-1s can't go all day without going to the toilet, or eating lunch, whatever is happening may or may not be bullying.

Don't go off hearsay.

As a teacher I'd say it is fairly common for parents to suggest their child is being bullied because they have been upset by another child. Children do irritate each other, but usually it does not amount to bullying which is the intentional consistent abuse of another. Often both children have been at fault. But many parents, getting one side of the story, which may not even be accurate or the whole story, jump to their darling's defence.

Try not to worry. The school, not another parent who is unlikely to have observed what happens in school, should have let you know if your child is causing problems.

My dd was harassed by a boy with SN in year 5- he had autism and apparently (according to his mum) he was obsessed with my dds hair and darker skin. The teachers didn’t tell me anything but they knew about it. My dd told me, and I thought “oh he doesn’t mean it” until I witnessed it myself. He would pull my dd, drink from her cup, stare at her - he didn’t see the harm but she was so miserable. When I mentioned it to the school, they knew but thought it was cute. When I mentioned it to the boys mum she said her son had a crush.

Im sharing this because like others have said, SN isn’t a reason for not being a bully or harassing someone. The school may be witnessing it but are doing nothing about it, meaning the other child suffers more. It may not be bullying, but the other child is clearly uncomfortable and an adult needs to intervene.

Either way, speak to the school, find out what is happening and work with the school to deal with it.

In the end my dd had to move class. As she is NT, she apparently can handle anything. But on the plus side - there was a solution.

Thank you everyone. My child struggles a lot with communication and the other children in the class tend to ignore him for the most part. I've been told that he pushed another child over today, although when I asked him about it he said he accidentally knocked her over when he was spinning in the playground with his eyes closed but he said sorry afterwards. I don't know what else he is meant to have done, only that it's been going on a long time.

Who told you that he had pushed the child?

@theprincessthepea that's awful, I'm so sorry that happened you your child, that isn't acceptable. If my child did anything like that when I was there then I would stop him and I would hope the school would stop it too.

Either me or dh stand in the playground with him until the bell goes at the beginning of the day so he doesn't wander off. I was there this morning and he was saying hello and waving to some of the other children. Some said hello back and some just ignored him. Ds is several years behind his peers in his emotional development so he doesn't have much in common with the other children in his class and they seem a lot more grown up than him.

@crumblingschools another parent who knows both me and the parent of the child ds pushed over.

What is disgraceful about this post?

theprincessthepea didn’t say “it’s not an excuse”. She said it wasn’t a reason to let the boy bully her DD - which the school and parents all knowingly did until theprincessthepea stepped in and insisted they take her DD’s distress seriously.

There is no denial in the post that the boy’s autism is the explanation for why he was behaving the way he was. Just a recognition that schools sometimes overlook the impact on other children and fail to focus on providing the right interventions to prevent the behaviour, despite the perpetrator’s SEN not lessening the debilitating effects on the victim.

Agreed. Shecsaid absolutely nothing wrong.

OP, that’s frustrating for your ds that some of the children don’t wave back etc.

I want to add that my dds school is a state school that has had to do alot of work with the children as they increased their intake of children with SN. Children can be so mean - and my dds school has lots of assemblies about being kind, ND etc - it’s crazy that we have to learn these things, but not everyone has a good influence at home. Could you find out if the school does any work on inclusion?

The experience I had was apparently the first time that the school had to deal with something like this - and we then worked with the headteacher to ensure that there was intervention if this happened. I later found out from the boys mum that she was also fighting a battle with the school to get him adequate wrap around support too. So I know how hard she was working to ensure the school provided for her boy.

It took months to sort out the harassment issue though and I spoke to other families and charities to make sure we were dealing with this fairly. I’m sure your case will not be like this.

I’d just say listen out to the other parents and find out what’s really happening. If your son was apologetic and it’s a one off, then I feel that it’s time to move on from it. Also, if you feel that your son needs more from the school, fight for that too! My dd was mute for the first few years in primary school and it was so hard as she wasn’t making friends (she wouldn’t talk!) but also wasn’t asking the teachers for help, so would wet herself and appeared as if she couldn’t learn - the teachers knew that she didn’t speak but they never approached me about it until parents evening. I had to work with the teachers and fight for support - just another case of the teachers knowing and I guess being too stretched?

There are no excuses but I hope you sort it OP x

Does your child become distressed/dysregulated at school? Sometimes in these situations, pupils can lash out and I have experienced similar concerns being raised where actually, they are sat near by and unfortunately were hurt due to this. I have also had situations where two pupils with SEND have a really challenging relationship and often get into conflict. I have also had situations similar to above where a pupil with SEND has become fixated with another child and is either making them feel uncomfortable or is actively targeting them.

In any of these situations, the school need to be taking action. This could be lots of things depending on the issue, for example, changes to seating plans, provision, use of social stories or more supervision. Have a chat with the school.

He does get disregulated but he tends to stim or self harms at school when that happens. His teacher last year worked so hard to get the rest of the class to include him and help/encourage him at school. I've gone through all the reports for his ehcp and his last 2 years school reports and there is nothing about him lashing out at all. I know he can frustrate people with his noises and stimming and I know lots of people find him weird but I've never known him to be violent or lash out. The school have never said anything about him doing that either. The teacher has said he copied other children's behaviour sometimes so in class he sits on a table on his own but close to well behaved children. Not close enough for him to disturb them with his stimming though.

Some children, and many adults, use the word “bullying” incorrectly. A child spinning around and accidentally bumping into another child is not bullying.

Speak to school - to class teacher and Senco - to find out what is going on and if something different needs to be put in place to meet your child's needs.

If it doesn’t involve their child then it is not the business of the parent who spoke to you and they should have told the other child's parents to speak to the school. I’d be bearing this in mind going forward as it sounds like they may be trying to cause trouble.

@SnowdaySewday I wondered if the child didn't understand what bullying meant. Or if she finds ds stimming annoying, she's asked him to stop and he hasn't (because he can't) and she thinks he is doing it on purpose to annoy her. But this is purely guessing and ds isn't able to tell me much.