Worth ending friendships?

[GoodAfternoonTea]

I've been quite friendly with a lady I met at a social group a couple of years ago. We have had a few outings together and she is good company. However, she is quite posh (or rather thinks she is) and tends to socialise with people with money and status. I am the exception. She goes out of her way to invite people to her rather smart appartement and is to be seen at any posh social events. However, when it comes to the tokens of friendship i.e. instigating a get together or sending a card for a birthday or Christmas, she is full of a thousand excuses. The latest for my birthday, she said:' I have had to shelve you and not send a card as I've been on a super weekend away and it was so hectic'. Her mate is the same. She harassed me for months to meet up for coffee and when the date was set, she sent me a text the same night saying that she had been invited out for lunch and could not make it. Is it me or is it them?

"super posh" or not, they're friends who ditch you at the drop of a hat - ie not friends.

I'd be polite if I bumped into them at future events, but wouldn't be up for anything further.

That leaves space for proper friends to enter your life.

If you enjoy her company, why not carry on seeing her occasionally? You don’t have to like everything that she does.

Honestly, she did. That is why I am running it by Mnet posters as I was in shock.

I do like her and her company as she is quite colourful and very sociable but there is this gap where my friendship radar stops and says 'Wait a minute, don't take another step' as I feel she does look down on me because I am just an ordinary bod as she does seem to take that extra friendship step with with her status friends. As you say 'Baffling'.

Either you like her enough to forgive her flakiness and just enjoy the time you have together, or it bothers you too much and you dislike the flakiness of her personality enough to stop being friends.

I have a flaky friend, if I see her we have a lot of fun, if I don’t I’m not really that bothered. It’s just a different type of friendship.

Exactly. If the friendship brings you something, and has some value in your eyes over and above the friend's flakiness or unpunctuality, or reluctance to instigate outings, then continue the friendship. If it's not adding anything to your life, then discontinue.

I don't understand why you feel your friend's social class or social aspirations is relevant to her not sending you Christmas cards. Are you suggesting you are her token prole friend, which means you are supposed to understand if your plans are axed for something more socially elevated? I can't remember the last time I sent even my closest friends a Christmas card or birthday card.

'Are you suggesting you are her token prole friend, which means you are supposed to understand if your plans are axed for something more socially elevated?' Sadly, that seems to be what I think.

I have a flaky friend, if I see her we have a lot of fun, if I don’t I’m not really that bothered. It’s just a different type of friendship.

I think this is the key. Don't look on her as a friend, but as an acquaintance who brings fun and colour and is entertaining. I have a colleague like that - as an actual friend and a human being, he sucks. But if you occasionally need to spend a few hours drinking fancy drinks somewhere lovely while someone makes you laugh and won't tolerate hearing you ruminate about work or elderly parents, he's useful.

This.

But respectfully, OP, she sounds like an idiot, regardless of whether she cancels on you or not. I mean, are you desperate enough for friends to want to be around a social-climbing snob on a regular basis?

Ditching you for a better offer is not cool, but cards are surely quite rare now? And you said she doesn't instigate get-togethers but that she goes out of her way to invite people (including you?) to hers. Isn't that a get-together? And a generous offer if she's hosting? If you don't like her and she's unreliable, just take a step back.

I couldn't be bothered with this but I wouldn't "end" the friendship either, I'd just not bother with them any more. I really couldn't get worked up about that. So many people are flaky these days.

Thanks for this. I am a bit of an old dear so it is good to get a young perspective. We can be a bit set in our ways.

First time anyone has called me young in ages, I'm nearly 50!
When I was younger I tolerated shit like this.

Suit yourself op. Im finding people so flaky lately. Too old for crap now!! People pull out of plans alot now

Forget about the first part - the second is inexcusable! Cancel a long standing engagement for a 'better' offer? But send a card and 'shelve you' because she had a nice weekend away? These people aren't friends in any sense. If I was really petty I'd arrange another meet up then cancel last minute saying you'd had another invite you just couldn't refuse.

It's fine not to do cards but what I cant stand is when someone bangs on about not sending one, or being too busy to send one or I'll send it soon, drop it buy. I was going to send one but.....
How hard is it actually to wish some one a happy birthday and send sincere good wishes in one way or another and not make it all about them?

Best answer.

Side note, I wouldn't come to mumsnet for friendship advice - it never reflects my own relationship with friends. Not a lot of love for them on here at all. Very negative and cold.

I once fell out with a work colleague who was getting married and invited every single staff member to her reception except me. I'd thought we were friends but obviously not. The Friday before the wedding people were talking about the wedding in the office, and one colleague asked me what I was going to be wearing so I said I hdn't been invited, and the BTB walked past and said: "Well I had to draw the line somewhere".

You sound way too lovely to be friends with those kinds of people, OP

"I have had to shelve you."

Did she really say that?!

I really couldn't be bothered. Friends don't come out with bollocks like that. Not my friends anyway.