DS(7) says he wants to kill himself

[DontKnowWhatToDo456]

I have named changed for this.

I really don’t know what to do. DS is 7 and has always been highly emotional, ever since he was a toddler. I have been in talks with the SENDCo at his school since Year 1 about supporting his emotional regulation and they have generally been quite helpful. Towards the end of Year 2, I became very unwell and was in hospital for a while and around that time he started hitting himself hard in the face whenever he felt like he’d made a mistake. This was happening at home but not at school - at school he was masking a lot. SENDCo made a CAMHS referral and they contacted me the next day to say they won’t be doing an assessment (not sure why, my guess is because I was in hospital?) but would take him on. I haven’t heard from them since so will be chasing tomorrow.

But tonight DS had a meltdown after getting a question wrong on his maths homework. He became very aggressive and started throwing things around. He bunched up his fists and got in my face. I tried the breathing strategies and reminded him of his zones of regulation but nothing seemed to be working. DH then stepped in and I went upstairs to run DS a bath. He calmed down and I wanted to talk to him about his aggressive behaviour, so when he asked if we could do the arts and crafts activity we had planned, I said I didn’t think it was a good idea tonight as he hadn’t behaved nicely. DH called upstairs to say I should rethink that, so I was about to agree before another meltdown started but then DS ran into his room crying and screaming. He was saying “I’m the worst person ever. I wish I’d never been born. I hate myself. I want to kill myself. I want to jump out of the window”. At this point I sat with him until he felt calmer. DH took him out for a jog and when they came back things were better and we finished our arts and crafts.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. When it has happened in the past, DH has said it’s all the bullshit he’s seen from me that’s making him do it. I have struggled with my MH health in the past but have never verbalised suicidal thoughts around the children. I have had panic attacks in front of them though. (I have been doing various types of therapy over the years and I’m generally in a better mental place now - it’s not perfect and I am still going through an intensive CBT course which helps).

I know CAMHS is overrun and I really don’t know what to do in the meantime. Part of me doesn’t want to put too much focus on it with DS because I worry that all of my aims to support his emotional regulation could be having an adverse effect. I feel like everything I’m doing is the wrong thing. I can’t talk to DH about it because he’s very anti-establishment and gets annoyed with me about it all. I’m struggling and scared and feel like such a shit mum.

Sorry I’ve just realised how long that is. I promise I’m not an AI bot!

i literally could have written this about my own incredible 6 year old boy, down to the exact words used and also over maths homework. He’s kind, empathetic, has friends and is cuddly but my gosh are the meltdowns something else. I too struggle with my MH, mainly due to a terrible birth and anxiety, and blamed that until a GP friend told me to take it further.

we are 90% towards an autism diagnosis and have been told by GPs and friends it is a certainty. We have had to pay for this diagnosis (our services are a 2 year wait) and whack it on credit cards. School are now helping and accept it isn’t depression/anxiety but an inability to process losing / failing as well as his obsessions with hobbies / need to line things up in colour order / sitting on the edge of friendship groups. Daily life is still hard but he has the support for meltdowns.

you are incredible and doing everything possible. It’s tough. Hugs your way and I really hope you get some help with moving forward. X

One thing we were always told when supporting family member was never punish a meltdown as it isn't a tantrum. So I would have done the task maybe adapting if it involved anything that could hurt themselves with.

First of all, I think you're doing really well. The only thing that perhaps made it all worse is what @Marblesbackagain says - by saying the craft activity was no longer a good idea because of his bad behaviour, you were punishing him for his meltdown which he couldn't help. That's what caused him to say he wanted to kill himself. He literally couldn't cope with you punishing him when he was already so angry and disappointed with himself over getting his maths wrong.

Hope he'll get some help soon. It's heartbreaking when they're so hard on themselves.

Thank you for your advice everyone. Yes, in hindsight saying no to the arts and crafts was a bad idea. At the time I my thinking was to avoid “rewarding” aggression. I guess I have taken the whole “anti-gentle parenting” conversation to heart and have been blaming myself for his meltdowns, thinking it’s due to all of the feelings talk I do with him.

As far as I know, he’s neuro-typical and the SENDCo hasn’t mentioned anything to say otherwise. DS did tell me today that he has started being taken to the sensory room with a small group of children, all of whom are autistic. He asked if he’s autistic and said he thinks he is, but wasn’t able to explain what “feeling autistic” means. I said that we can always try and find out, if he thinks it will help, and he said he would like to. I will look into both NHS and private assessments and see where to go from there. Outside of emotional regulation, I haven’t noticed any other ASD traits, although he did always line his toys up in size order when he was about 1-2, but that soon phased out.

@DontKnowWhatToDo456 I would recommend the assessment. More and more children are being diagnosed without the typical indicators. I know one researcher who is seeing a lot more boys masking.

At the very least hopefully it will bring supports and strategies to help your family.

@Marblesbackagain thank you. I am going to arrange another meeting with the SENDCo and go from there.

I’m just posting here again for a bit of moral support. I got in touch with CAMHS and they said he should have had an appointment by now and they would call me back with one last week. It got to Friday and I still hadn’t heard anything so called and left a message. Hopefully I’ll hear back next week.

DS had another two meltdowns saying similar things after I posted this. After the first one I hugged him, told him I loved him no matter what and tried to calm him down as best is I could. He let a lot out and he said a few things that gave me the impression that he’s being bullied by a boy in his class who also lives on our estate, but he won’t admit to it because he’s adamant that’s he is “stronger” than the boy (the boy is huge and I’ve witnessed him pushing other kids outside myself. I can see why DS would be intimidated by him, even if he won’t admit it). He also said he’s scared of me, which was heartbreaking to hear. Apparently I have “scary eyes” (my eyes are a very, very dark shade of brown - almost black in fact). I have noticed that sometimes he gives me a sort of double glance when looking at me at night, and he has always had a fear of curtains with eyelets because he says they look like eyes too, so it makes sense I suppose. I have resorted to asking DH to put him to bed at night now that it’s getting darker earlier. I know it’s not a long-term fix but I hate the thought of him being scared at bed time because of my eyes! I don’t know what else to do.

DH dealt with the second meltdown by taking him for another run. I think this seems to be the thing that works best for the time being, as all the talking things through with me only seems to make him more upset. I have this horrible feeling of guilt, like I have drawn all of these negative emotions out of him with too much “feeling talk” over the years (not to mention my scary eyes!) I feel nervous being alone with him now in case I scare or worry him more.