Give me your tips for being more assertive

[SendHelpAndCoffee]

Morning ladies,

I'm a people pleaser and other than my own parents and DH, I really struggle with being assertive.

I find it difficult to say no to people or asking people to stop doing something I don't like. I need to stop being so passive. I hate confrontation and just find it easier to agree to things sometimes or say nothing. Sometimes this is to my own detriment and I know it needs to stop. My own boundaries are being stomped all over, but realise I need to speak up more. I have two young children and I don't want them to grow up watching their mum just agree to things or put up with shitty behaviour because it's easier.

So give me your best tips for being more direct/assertive. Bonus points if you're able to do it without confrontation.

TIA

I struggle with this one as I am a great negotiator and mediator but much less an assertive type.

I would say first up know what you cannot do - really think about the situation(s) and what the cost has been to you in the past of saying yes. It's easy to get caught up in the buzz off saying yes and being THAT person who can help others out, but I hate to say it most people don't pay it forward. What are your non negotiables for yourself?

Another one to use is yes but not now, or not until X, or can you put that in an email.

I also read a good one about making values led decisions - what will this decision make of me and is that who I want to be. That takes some of the endless guilt away.

It takes practice. In my experience though, it works best to say no thanks with a smile, and also not try to make up a reason. Just saying you don't feel like/want to do something should be enough. If the person doesn't agree or like it, that's up to them. Good luck.

No is also a complete sentence! Start with small boundaries and build from there.

When you do start to assert boundaries be specific, try to communicate them in advance, try not to make them dependent on mood.

Slow down. You don’t need to respond to requests for help or whatever immediately, whether they’re texts, phone calls or in person. Don’t respond to texts for a while. If it’s in person or on a call, say you need to check your diary, and will get back to them. That way everyone is aware you’re not dropping everything to dash to their side. Then say no, you have other plans.

What do you mean when you say you struggle to ask peiole to stop doing things you don’t like — for example?

For me, the key thing is recognising that this is not a case of you being ‘too nice’ and other people being ‘users’. You’ve contributed to this dynamic, you recognise it’s bad, and you’re not committed to changing it.

In the past I’ve agreed to something I didn’t want to do as I’ve been caught on the hop. Nowadays I try to anticipate and have a prepared response.

Thank you for the suggestions, I'll definitely give them a go!

@PaperLampshade

I'll give two examples- one of my in laws has form for talking over me when I am telling the children off, generally saying the same thing I am. A few weeks ago my eldest had eaten their dinner but was then sharing some pizza but had enough. IL then told them to eat up. I dealt with that situation okay, I just said DC has already eaten enough, so if they don't want anything else that's okay. I just end up feeling frustrated and undermined in my own home.

Second- At work I deal with a difficult client group. One colleague has a really good way of palming off clients that are really problematic, if I have had some dealings with them but he had more involvement, he will discuss said case with me and then go, well I'll leave that with you then. In the moment I find it so difficult to just say no because I'm so caught off guard.

I realise I have contributed to this by being too passive and this needs to change.

I think the suggestion to slow down is a good one. I'm more assertive than when younger but sometimes get caught by surprise and then I don't have a response ready. It's happened a couple of times this week, both with authority figures - GP and optician (NB nothing seriously wrong with me). In both cases, they did seem genuinely angry when I tried to be even slightly assertive so I ended up backing down. The GP was rushing me. I should learn to say something like, 'Please don't rush me, it's not appropriate' or 'I don't want to be hurried into a wrong decision' or 'No, that doesn't seem right'. Then repeat if necessary. I just need to take more time. ⏳