Need a kick up the bum

[Nosleepforthismum]

To stop feeling so low, mopey and unmotivated. I can’t seem to shake it off and I really need to more than ever.

Lots of positives. SAHM to two lovely kids DS3 and DD1. Both go to preschool full time and I do admin and accounting for my DH’s business but mainly look after the household. DH’s business is going through a quiet patch which may mean we have to make some difficult decisions down the line if it continues. Financially, we are okay for a couple of months but it’s definitely putting a strain on the household and we are very conscious of spending unnecessarily at the moment.

We are half way through a house renovation which is okay but work has ground to a halt while we focus on the business and so it feels like we are constantly living in a bit of a mess and nowhere to put our stuff.

The kids have been ill recently so there’s been a lot of broken sleep and in general both of them are just at ages where they are pushing boundaries and the whinging from my 3 year old in particular is really putting me on edge at the minute. So I’m snappy and not the parent I want to be with them. It’s just the constant touching, crying, tantrums over minor things that are really grating on me.

I’ve got a list as long as my arm of jobs to do, involving everything to do with the renovation, general household chores, attempts at healthy meals that are inevitably chucked on the floor, and loads of things to do with the business. Yet I’m sitting here, typing this post on MN because I’m exhausted even thinking about starting any of these jobs. Anyone ever been in this kind of overwhelming fug? I know logically I have 5.5 hours free a day to do all this stuff but I’m struggling to not procrastinate all that time away.

Can you get a part time job? It would help with finances, still leave some time for renovation and when you are more active and motivated and making positive steps for your finances it might help you feel more in control. Failing that start exercising or doing something for yourself that will help you feel better and motivate you more. If you go for a nice walk after pre school drop off you will probably have more energy when you get back to the house.

It sounds like you're doing everything by yourself. Does your husband contribute anything towards the house or childcare.

Your children are in full time preschool yet you don't work full time and things are slow and you're going to struggle financially. Can you go back to full time work?

Regarding meals and household chores, can you share more chores with your husband? Can you take it in turns to feed the children?

Yes, definitely something I have considered to get a part time job (or go back to my previous career full time). The hours are tricky as DH’s business hours can vary which makes him unreliable for childcare. In addition I was a bit foolish to put them in the preschool rather than a private nursery as it means I have no childcare over the holidays or outside the hours of 9-3. I’m reluctant to pull them out of preschool where they are happy and settled but this is something I will do if needs must.

I think the exercising part is a good idea. I used to love running but I haven’t picked it back up since having the kids.

Not hugely but I don’t mind that so much as he’s working. He helps with bath and bed if he’s home on time and obviously it’s all hands on deck if they are ill.

I’ve spoken with DH about going back to work full time but it may not be worth it with both kids being so young and the extra cost of putting them in full time nursery. DH is of the opinion that my time will be better spent on the business and this is just a blip. However, the financial uncertainty is making me pause in completing some of these tasks as nearly everything costs money. Paint a room (paint/brushes -£40), get rid of rubbish (skip £350), organise the paperwork (filing cabinet/stationary £100) make healthy meals for the family (£150) … the list goes on.

What was your career? Is there anything you can do freelance based on it? Maybe pick up a few hours in the day/evening just in term time?

DH is of the opinion that my time will be better spent on the business and this is just a blip.

Its not just about money though, is it? And you are not just there to be of service to DH. You are in the middle of a really difficult phase - the kids sound difficult, through no fault of their own, and at that age, they are not really very grateful. And being in a messy house is very stressful. Anything you can do to increase focus on yourself would be helpful, whatever it is - think of yourself like a bank. You cant keep paying out if there are no deposits coming in.

It's completely understandable that you're worried about finances. Renovation and children are expensive.

In the longer term, how does this work? Your husband does nothing around the house, leaving everything to you, his contribution is occasionally bath and bed.He works long hours and you're financially struggling.

Meanwhile you're solely in charge of the housework, children and house renovations. It's hardly surprising you feel completely overwhelmed, anyone would.

Something has to give and my suggestion is your husband gets a job where he doesn't work so many hours and can contribute more to the house and children. You go back to work and between you, divide out chores so it's not all on your shoulders.

@Nosleepforthismum you sound exhausted. Keeping the weight of the family on your shoulders is exhausting. I doubt your DH knows how much 'healthy' meals cost, so I hope the pressure isn't from him. Here's what I would do:

1. Make a plan of action for tomorrow.
2. Go to the library/coffee shop with your laptop tomorrow and really assess the cashflow of the business and all of the necessary outgoings at home to be able to carry you through to January (including xmas gifts and food etc) and to get the main part of your house up to a reasonable standard of cleanliness. If the business is going through a quiet time, he should be on hand to shoulder the load at home - not burying his head in the sand elsewhere being 'busy'.
3. Your figures will demonstrate a need to either carry on as you are or one of you needs to go an get a job with a steadier income/second job. As Xmas approaches, there will be a need for temp staff so you need to impress upon him not to dither about this decision.
4. You need him to come home at a reasonable time and leave at a time that allows you to either exercise or have less stress.
5. Meal plan. Let him see the cost of each meal. He can then understand how much everything costs. There are lots of helpful threads on this on MN.
6. Declutter one room a day next week. Sell everything you think you can get money for that you no longer need or want. FB market place is practical.

You have got this. You just need to get help from somewhere and everyone needs help! Hope you feel more like yourself soon.

I get what you are saying but I suppose DH can’t help out that much as he isn’t physically here. When he’s home he just mucks in with whatever needs to be done but usually the day to day chores will be done, kids fed, dinner prepped etc.

Its the downsides of having a business I’m learning. When things are good and there’s lots of work coming in, DH can take more time off and is around more, can do some of the bigger renovation jobs and be there for the kids. So it has been fantastic and flexible previously. Now though, when things are tight, he has to throw himself into working all hours of the day to get more work in.

Its one of those occasions where we are still earning what we did previously but we have a lot less work coming up so DH is under pressure to make sure he is bringing in enough work to support us obviously but also his staff. It involves his day to day work, then client meetings and phone calls in the evenings/weekends. It would be a personally very difficult decision to wind the business down as we would have to let staff go, liquidate the assets and logistically it wouldn’t be as straightforward as getting a different job.

I’m really hoping things pick up again because otherwise you are right and we will have to look at us both getting salaried jobs and splitting the household jobs more evenly.

Thank you, this is great advice. Yes, I think we need to really assess the figures and give ourselves a deadline for carrying on as we are or the next steps as you’ve suggested.

We have loads of baby and kids stuff that is cluttering up everywhere so I think selling on FB marketplace is a good place to start tomorrow.

💪