I just can’t relax

[UsernameNameUser]

I struggle with OCD & anxiety, and despite working on it for over 15 years, I just can’t let myself relax, live, enjoy life, etc.

It feels like every choice I make, from big ones like purchasing a house to small ones like what shoes I wear/what dinner I have, is this huge decision. Like if I make the wrong choice, I’m in danger of something terrible happening. I can’t enjoy anything at all because my brain is constantly worrying about “what ifs”. I worry constantly about how people perceive me and my choices, how I perceive myself and my own choices.

For a loose example, many people would walk past a bakery, see a cake in the window and think “oh I’ll go purchase one for myself and enjoy that!”. Whereas, I’ll go “I want that cake but if I get that cake, I might be diagnosed with diabetes in 20 years and it’ll be because of that cake. Or I’ll find out that someone I don’t really like also bought that cake, and that means I’m secretly turning into that person! Or maybe I’ll eat the cake, and it’ll contain an allergen that I’ll somehow infect someone vulnerable with by simply eating the cake and breathing.” I then won’t buy that cake - but I’ll also never walk past that bakery again, or eat any cake similar to it!! All because of anxious thoughts.

If you think that sounds exhausting, it is!! I know the simple answer is to just say “sod it” and eat the damn cake, but how can I push past this feeling of overwhelming fear? It truly feels like a small, insignificant decision like that is the same as standing on the edge of a cliff with one leg over the edge on a windy day. My brain & body cannot differentiate between both situations’ levels of danger.

Are you anxious in other ways too, or is it 'just'about decision-making (I realise decision-making is a huge part of everyday life!). Therapy might help. Otherwise, can you start small? Maybe commit yourself to pushing through one very small fear block per week and go from there? Maybe once you realise that nothing bad happens as a result, it will get easier.

Mostly decision making, but anxious about most. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder in my teens, which was explained as “everything scares you” 🙈. My friends used to play a game with me of pointing out some arbitrary thing and watching me spin it into something dangerous (ie kitchen roll. I’d say the kitchen roll could fall off the counter, causing someone to trip and fall, hit their head and die). They all thought it was funny how my mind could jump to that scenario - meanwhile I’d be pushing the kitchen roll further onto the counter. I’m no longer friends with them

Wow - glad you're not friends with them any more! That kind of thing probably helped reinforce your patterns of thinking. I guess what you need is the opposite - i.e. un-training those catastrophising thought patterns. If therapy isn't an option, there are probably self-help books for that specific issue.

You need to start challenging your thoughts. So when you find yourself thinking "what if" let the fear wash over you, you'll find that it reaches a maximum point and then your anxiety will start subsiding. The feelings may feel horrible but they can't hurt you. Once you feel calmer think what is the likelihood of what you fear happening. It is zero.

Have you done any kind of therapy? Things like CBT can be good for anxiety.

Are there any contexts where you can relax? Maybe being with friends or doing a hobby or similar. If so, lean into those.

I’ve done CBT, a bit of ERP, talk, etc. I’m on medication as well. To be totally honest, I think it’s the complete lack of faith I have in myself that’s really stopping me from getting better. I struggle with the idea that I’m worth more than struggling and that I’m deserving of peace & happiness

I normally feel somewhat at ease when I’m with my dog, but can’t bring her everywhere with me. She’ll normally paw at me if I’m getting anxious, and just overall, I feel better when she’s there. Poor pup, probably hates being stuck with a crazy person 🙈🐶

I do try to challenge them. It sometimes just feels like they’re too strong to fight against, or I think I’ve successfully fought it, and then it springs back up again 10 mins later. Sometimes the “reward” doesn’t seem worth the “risk” either, and it definitely does feel simpler to just give up and let it consume (which I know isn’t good for me). I need to build up my resilience