Why not ask why?

[Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy]

Completely prepared to be flamed here, but coming for some genuine insight…

I have noticed an increase of threads on here, and other forums and also in real life chat, where someone is asking why someone else very close to them (think spouse, parents, good friends etc ) is behaving in a certain way.

Yet they haven’t asked the actual person concerned and have come to a forum or chatted to other friends for understanding. Now I get it, if it’s some perspective on a dates behaviours or an odd work colleague or a friendship group with tricky dynamics where you want a generic overview.

But if your mum/husband/ best friend is doing something out of character, or that is causing you upset or whatnot, surely the first port of call is to ask them why?

I do concede that I am very direct. But I just can’t fathom, not being able to ask these things or someone I have a happy healthy relationship with. And vice Versa.

(appreciate things like coercive control / toxic parents etc can be a factor, but the ones I’ve seen recently seem to convey a happy relationship which is adding to the posters mystery of the said behaviours)

I agree!!

I agree and some threads are just getting more and more stupid in that sense.

People asking questions that literally only the person they're talking about can answer.

Yet the thread can run into pages of speculation.

Agree in the fact that most of the time posters can only speculate why the OP is having issues with xyz.

They do need to address it directly to find the proper answer of WHY? But sometimes the OP could be too close to see the bigger picture and need some perspective. Maybe having other posters perspective will help open up a conversation.

Sometimes I have read threads where I will think "I honestly would not have thought about that angle" or the way posters advised to approach the issue has led to a better open discussion of WHY.

Though some do tend to drive me crazy going round in circles with the OP just asking BUT WHY?!?!?

AIBU wouldn't exist if people actually spoke to each other.

Social media has been made a giant success because of people going on line to ask “why” to others without finding out for themselves.

We have adults who have only known life with the internet who still go on to their local FB to ask :
when does the big Tesco close?
Does anyone know the phone number for the dentist?
What time is the earliest bus on Saturday?

People see this all the time to the extent it is normal for many people to not find out things for themselves. We have a woman on our local group who uses it as her own Google. It is like the world is a mystery to some folk and they rely on strangers online to guide them.

Why not ask why directly? Because truth hurts and some posters are afraid of honest answers they might get to their Why's.

A lot of the time it’s pointless asking the person directly because they don’t know what motivates their behavior. I tried asking my mother why, if she’s as lonely as she claims, doesn’t she go down to the cafe in her complex more often or join in with the social activities there? Her answer is to shrug, change the subject, and then slowly weave back around to how she’s so lonely.

I work in a school so dealing with adolescents and we never ask ‘why’ because generally people don’t know why they did that thing!
Bwttervyo ask open questions about ‘how’ something happened and I think that is useful in relationships too.