High expectations vs creating a perfectionist

[cinammonfishsticks]

I have a three year old who is sweet, empathetic, funny and characterful. I'm a teacher so really don't want to raise a child who runs amok and don't want to let less desirable behaviours slide by. But I've noticed recently he is scared of getting into trouble and I'm nervous that I'm creating a first born perfectionist who fears letting his parents down. He never wants mummy and daddy to be 'angry' at him 😢

I think where we perceive a difference, eg. ignoring instructions = not acceptable vs accidentally breaking something minor = accidents happen, he doesn't get this yet. Is this just an age thing? Have others had similar stages with their toddlers? Trying my best not to live up to the 'they fuck you up your mum and dad' poem?

If he does something “unacceptable” how do you react? You should have age appropriate, expectations not “high” expectations, esp as you’re a teacher!

It's a brilliant poem.

High but realistic expectations are fine. Be sure through to make sure you praise a lot, lot more than you correct (or comment in a way that can be perceived as correction).

In what way is what you do for a living relevant to how your three year old is in the world? If he’s already, at three, afraid of ‘getting into trouble’ and his parents ‘being angry’, I’d be asking myself hard questions about how you’re responding to normal three year old behaviour? Have you taught him that his job is to be no trouble?

I don’t think it’s Larkin’s finest hour, but it wasn’t ever intended as a serious poem, anymore than his even pithier and more misogynistic ‘Administration’, which goes

Day by day your estimation clocks up
Who deserves a smile and who a frown,
And the girls you have to tell to pull their socks up
Are those whose pants you’d most like to pull down.

Nasty women and their women-y ways, either being useless in the typing pool or entrapping you into marriage and children.

Perhaps the problem is I'm a teacher, not a nursery or early years specialist. He's very switched on so when I know he knows what to do, we might use count downs or a sterner voice. He doesn't like this. I don't yell at him or punish him or anything overly harsh! He seems to be a people pleaser which perhaps isn't combining well with our approach

Please read the OP. I clearly am asking myself 'hard questions'. That's why I'm on here for advice.

And if you bother to read, I said 'I'm a teacher so really don't want to raise a child who runs amok and don't want to let less desirable behaviours slide by'. The relevance of being a teacher is that I see on a daily basis the behaviour of children who have not been taught appropriate boundaries and do not want my child to behave like that

You beat me to it as I was going to write that you're more at risk of creating a people pleaser than a perfectionist. And it seems you already have! Children aren't born people pleasers. Sounds like you're going too far with him.

Yeah, sounds like you're being too heavy handed. I'd try explaining. For instance rather than a count down which pisses everyone off and adds pressure, remind him that if he doesn't come quickly to do his teeth he'll have less time for playing. Or if he's throwing food that now you'll have to put all the toys away so you can hoover up the mess. Just logical calm outcomes.

The relevance of being a teacher is that I see on a daily basis the behaviour of children who have not been taught appropriate boundaries and do not want my child to behave like that

I think if you have a three year old who is afraid of getting into trouble and making you angry, you have gone too far the other way.

He can only be a people pleaser if those around him encourage him to please. Sounds like you need to be more neutral. Fine to discipline but it shouldn’t be creating any sense that you prefer him when he’s good vs unacceptable as you put it.

I think I'm probably a people pleaser too so it's entirely likely. Food for thought. I'm a fairly 'gentle' parent I'd say - explaining why things aren't acceptable calmly on his level, it's ok to make mistakes but have to learn from it, but also hold firm boundaries. Nursery always report on whether he's had a good day, listening ears, respectful etc and he's always extremely alert as to 'what did (keyworker) say about me' but he's never been punished or anything if he's had an off day. Where is the line between being blasé about behaviour and trying to develop good patterns in preparation for school and indeed life? Really didn't think I was doing a bad job until tonight, he just seems so sensitive to doing stuff wrong, but how can I ignore the occasions when he mistreats toys, ignores instructions multiple times, shouts to get his way etc. I appreciate their age appropriate but surely I still need to correct these behaviours or he'll always do them?

What a silly thing to say! Of course some children are born (or naturally grow into) being people pleasers. It can be a very positive trait to want to make other people feel good, as long as it doesn't lead the child's own needs to be overtaken.
OP, I hear you with worrying you're crushing your child's spirit! If it's any consolation, my child at 2 and 3 was very desperate to do right and if she did something 'wrong' she'd be upset. Now at the ripe old age of 4 and a half she's growing into her rebellious side, so I'm less worried now.

To be clear, his perception is 'angry' and not reality. I don't shout, lose my temper etc. I stay calm and explain. But he sees me being sterner as 'angry'

@Lighttodark that's a really really helpful term - neutral. And that's exactly what I don't want, him to feel like he's less loved or liked when he's not perfect. Neutral is a great word to hang it all on I think

Bollocks @MeMyselfIgor children aren't born people pleasers at all. People pleasers are made, not born. Pleasing is actually recognised as one of four trauma responses (the others being fight, flight or freeze).

@MeMyselfIgor thank you - your post makes me feel much better. I strongly suspect it's a development thing as well, as he doesn't differentiate between behaviours he has control over and things that are mistakes/go wrong. He is still a very happy and charismatic child, I feel I'm making him sound like his spirit is crushed!

Your child will learn automatically how to "behave" if you treat him with love and respect and are more concerned with his happiness than his behaviour. Children who misbehave , and likewise people pleasers , usually do so because they are unhappy, misunderstood, or lack the freedom to be themselves because of overcontrolling or perfectionistic parents .
Try to put yourself in your child's shoes and think about his feelings instead of focusing on how to get him to meet your "high expectations ".