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Original poster

Is this passive aggressive behaviour

21 replies

S67 · 07/10/2024 21:00

Hi,
I live with my boyfriend and 13 year old daughter.
My partner has a habit of saying things like

Has she had a shower ( referring to my daughter) I feel like this is a dig at me and he says he is trying to help

I said I find it passive aggressive and he doesn't like what I have said and has gone to a different room

Thoughts appreciated am I being over sensitive here

OP posts:
yeesh · 07/10/2024 21:04

Sounds like it’s none of his business if a teenage girl has had a shower. Does her really call her “she” as that’s very rude & dismissive

Jennyathemall · 07/10/2024 21:24

Depends entirely on the context and the way it is said. Could be something, could be nothing. You haven’t posted enough info to say either way.

ahemfem · 07/10/2024 21:26

Ask why he's asking? Is it so he knows if the bathroom is free? Is it because your daughter hasn't showered for a week and he's concerned about her?

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13 year olds
Original poster
S67 · 07/10/2024 21:42

He is asking because he knows she didn't last night and needs one tonight.

I was eating dinner i hadn't got round to the subject of showering with her just yet. He said he told me because I might forget.

She has her own bathroom

OP posts:
Blessedbunny · 07/10/2024 21:44

He sounds like a prick. Passive aggressive and totally inappropriate.

SpiritAdder · 07/10/2024 21:48

If DD is in earshot, it’s 100% passive aggressive.

If it’s just the two of you, then I think he may be intending it as a reminder as you hadn’t got round to talking to her about it and I guess her showering is an issue and he may be trying to have your back?

If it’s said as part of a list of things where you are falling short complete with huffs and sighs and it’s said in a way that implies you a shit parent, then yeah it is passive aggressive.

There is so much missing context? and could it be you’re both tired and a miscommunication happened?

MechanicalDancingDoll · 07/10/2024 21:48

Why doesn’t he ask your daughter directly? What does she make of her mother’s boyfriend asking her mother if ‘she’s’ had a shower?

StressedQueen · 07/10/2024 21:51

Well it's very strange. He could just ask her himself? And why does a 13 year old need telling on when she has to have a shower - surely she is capable enough of that herself.

It is quite passive aggressive though, yes.

redskydarknight · 07/10/2024 21:52

MechanicalDancingDoll · 07/10/2024 21:48

Why doesn’t he ask your daughter directly? What does she make of her mother’s boyfriend asking her mother if ‘she’s’ had a shower?

DH and I have both said to our teen daughter that she needs to have a shower if she smells or hasn't had one for a few days. I would consider it deeply inappropriate for someone who wasn't a parent to do this tbh.

If the boyfriend is asking in the context of being concerned about her healthy/hygiene and the daughter is not in earshot, I think this is reasonable. if it's being done to shame someone, it's not ok.

SpiritAdder · 07/10/2024 21:53

Er, no. That would be wierd for the boyfriend of a 13yo’s mother to ask her if she has showered! Totally inappropriate. He isn’t a stepdad thar has raised her from a baby.

SpiritAdder · 07/10/2024 21:53

redskydarknight · 07/10/2024 21:52

DH and I have both said to our teen daughter that she needs to have a shower if she smells or hasn't had one for a few days. I would consider it deeply inappropriate for someone who wasn't a parent to do this tbh.

If the boyfriend is asking in the context of being concerned about her healthy/hygiene and the daughter is not in earshot, I think this is reasonable. if it's being done to shame someone, it's not ok.

Show quote history

Thank you!

Cattery · 07/10/2024 21:55

“She”? I’d have said eff off cunt.

comedycentral · 07/10/2024 22:04

Why on earth is he asking about her showering habits? He's either overly intrusive, perverse or controlling. It's none of his business.

Original poster
S67 · 07/10/2024 22:05

I've gone in the bedroom to say I don't want this to turn into an arguement , I was trying to tell.him how the tone of his comment made me feel, ie like a shit parent

He says he was trying to help me and then goes onto say because your not consistent and you don't check she has done things

Now I'm pissed off how is that helpful

OP posts:
SpiritAdder · 07/10/2024 22:11

If it is good intention, but bad tone then it is something he can work on. Approach the tone again later when calmer. Right now you are both very defensive.

What I am most concerned about is your 13 yr old and whether there is a reason why she is neglecting her hygiene. It’s a sign of depression, troubles at school, stress at home. I think talking to her & connecting with her is more important than fixing a boyfriends shitty tone.

Opine · 07/10/2024 22:20

S67 · 07/10/2024 22:05

I've gone in the bedroom to say I don't want this to turn into an arguement , I was trying to tell.him how the tone of his comment made me feel, ie like a shit parent

He says he was trying to help me and then goes onto say because your not consistent and you don't check she has done things

Now I'm pissed off how is that helpful

I read into it this way. That the shower isn’t the issue but that he feels you aren’t consistent.

Im not a single parent but I know I would find it very very difficult to live with someone who wasn’t my children’s father. No matter what they said I would take offence. On the other hand I understand how difficult it must be when you’re a step parent.
I dont think what he said is passive aggressive. Presumably he’s asking because you told her to shower yesterday and she didn’t. Gently reminding is not passive aggression. Perhaps consider if you would have been annoyed by his comment if he were your sister, friend, DD’s dad. Maybe he has a point?

Blessedbunny · 07/10/2024 22:30

The shower habits of the teen daughter of his girlfriend is really not his concern. I bet the poor young girl can’t stand the interfering inappropriate creep her mum has hooked up with.

Original poster
S67 · 07/10/2024 22:39

Thanks everyone will digest all the comments

OP posts:
MechanicalDancingDoll · 07/10/2024 22:43

S67 · 07/10/2024 22:05

I've gone in the bedroom to say I don't want this to turn into an arguement , I was trying to tell.him how the tone of his comment made me feel, ie like a shit parent

He says he was trying to help me and then goes onto say because your not consistent and you don't check she has done things

Now I'm pissed off how is that helpful

Why do you think this is about you? There’s a 13 year old girl here whose personal hygiene seems to have become a pawn in her mother’s relationship? Think about your child and whether this is really the best living situation for her.

Waiting9 · 07/10/2024 22:48

I feel like there’s a missing piece of context here. It’s hard to judge whether your boyfriend is being creepy, whether he has genuine concern for her hygiene, or whether he is judging your parenting.

For all we know, your daughter struggles with her hygiene and he is reminding you because he doesn’t feel it’s his place to speak to her directly.

Or it could be that your daughter’s hygiene is perfect and there are no concerns, but he has a history of making comments like this.

Anywherebuthere · 07/10/2024 22:51

StressedQueen · 07/10/2024 21:51

Well it's very strange. He could just ask her himself? And why does a 13 year old need telling on when she has to have a shower - surely she is capable enough of that herself.

It is quite passive aggressive though, yes.

Some kids/teens dont take care of hygiene unless they're told. Not saying that's the case here.

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