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Original poster

Stopping contact

13 replies

Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 17:44

Hi all,

Looking for some advice. My DD is 11 yrs old had Autsim, PDA and Anxiety. She has not long started specialist secondary school and is still finding things a struggle with changes etc. I am divorced from her Dad and live around 50 miles away. My DD usually sees her Dad every other weekend, with no phone calls in between, no messaging to check how she is getting on etc and he will usually change the weekends if he has something else on. My DD masks heavily when she goes to her Dad's, it's like she wants to be the perfect DD for him and doesn't feel comfortable enough to be herself while in his company.

This puts a massive strain on things and when she gets home on a Sunday, all hell breaks loose as she's been masking all weekend. It usually takes her until Wednesday to re-regulate, she is silent in the car, hardly any communication once home unless it's screaming or crying and anxiety. For instance, she came home Sunday, wouldn't go to bed, stood stock still not moving, wot communicate and ended up laying on top of her bed fully clothed and finally settled to sleep 2am, this morning pretty much the same and no school. This is on repeat every single time she has been to her dad's.

It's completely draining, I'm exhausted by it all, as is my DD. I've messaged my ex countless of times to explain what is going on and he's basically come back and said to stop messaging him and for me to deal with her.

I am thinking for her and my mental health to stop contact for a while and see if it helps improve her mental health, for her to self regulate etc but not sure how to go about it??

Do I contact CSA and tell them? I couldn't say how long for? And it's not a quick fix but I am at breaking point as to what to do to help DD.

Any advice??

Tia

OP posts:
NewtonsCradle · 07/10/2024 18:49

Sounds really hard. Could you have her dad come to your house every Saturday just for the day? It might be less disruptive to your daughter's education if she has Sunday to recover before school.

Original poster
Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 19:12

NewtonsCradle · 07/10/2024 18:49

Sounds really hard. Could you have her dad come to your house every Saturday just for the day? It might be less disruptive to your daughter's education if she has Sunday to recover before school.

Thanks I could try that but he won't go for it. He says she doesn't have autism at his 🙄🤔 I feel she needs a bit of a clear break to see if it helps shift her mindset and mental health.

OP posts:
JessiesHuman · 07/10/2024 19:13

This sounds really difficult, and tough on you and your DD.

Does your ex actually believe that she's got autism, PDA and anxiety?

My ExH refused to believe DD was autistic until the diagnosis came through, and even now questions it. Even when he does acknowledge it, it's as though he doesn't make the connection between her autistic-related behaviours and her condition (if that makes sense). So she used to mask a lot too.

How do you think she and he would react if you restricted contact?

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11 year olds Families
Original poster
Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 20:12

JessiesHuman · 07/10/2024 19:13

This sounds really difficult, and tough on you and your DD.

Does your ex actually believe that she's got autism, PDA and anxiety?

My ExH refused to believe DD was autistic until the diagnosis came through, and even now questions it. Even when he does acknowledge it, it's as though he doesn't make the connection between her autistic-related behaviours and her condition (if that makes sense). So she used to mask a lot too.

How do you think she and he would react if you restricted contact?

I'm not 100% sure how she will react but I will speak with her in the next couple of days. She starts to fret couple of days before she goes and then full meltdowns for a few days afterwards and it's so hard and draining and I'm not getting any help with it. My DD has had her diagnosis for a couple of years and it still won't sink in with him. He questioned why she is attending specialist school etc. He really doesn't have her best interests at heart at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 20:14

Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 20:12

I'm not 100% sure how she will react but I will speak with her in the next couple of days. She starts to fret couple of days before she goes and then full meltdowns for a few days afterwards and it's so hard and draining and I'm not getting any help with it. My DD has had her diagnosis for a couple of years and it still won't sink in with him. He questioned why she is attending specialist school etc. He really doesn't have her best interests at heart at all.

Show quote history

Sorry meant to add he will not be happy if I stop it. But not through lack of seeing her, but what his mum and dad will be saying to him and if he had to pay more CSA because he isn't seeing her. He's stated in the past if he isn't seeing her, he isn't paying 🙄.

OP posts:
JessiesHuman · 07/10/2024 20:24

Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 20:14

Sorry meant to add he will not be happy if I stop it. But not through lack of seeing her, but what his mum and dad will be saying to him and if he had to pay more CSA because he isn't seeing her. He's stated in the past if he isn't seeing her, he isn't paying 🙄.

Show quote history

'Doesn't have autism at his'? Jeez your poor DD.

Unfortunately for him that's not how the CSA/CMS works. If he refuses you can just go 'collect and pay' and he'll pay an extra 20% on top of whatever the revised maintenance is as a collection fee. From memory, the money you receive will be reduced by 4%.

Could you present it as an 'either or' either he does the Saturday at your house or you will stop contact for a period.

Nameftgigb · 07/10/2024 20:27

This sounds utterly shit op, but I really don’t think that banning her from seeing her father is the answer. Presumably as soon as you let her see him again, the issues will arise again. Is she just meant to never see him again? And I do think it’s a bit shit that you’re planning on getting the csa increased because you’re not letting him spend time with his daughter.

Original poster
Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 20:36

JessiesHuman · 07/10/2024 20:24

'Doesn't have autism at his'? Jeez your poor DD.

Unfortunately for him that's not how the CSA/CMS works. If he refuses you can just go 'collect and pay' and he'll pay an extra 20% on top of whatever the revised maintenance is as a collection fee. From memory, the money you receive will be reduced by 4%.

Could you present it as an 'either or' either he does the Saturday at your house or you will stop contact for a period.

Show quote history

I could possibly do this. Tell him with how fragile her mental health is, going to his every other weekends Fri to Sun is not in her best interests but seeing her for the day on a Saturday would be fine but also let DD decide if she does want to go out with him.

We go through CSA now, but he currently pays me directly via bank account to bank account.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 20:39

Nameftgigb · 07/10/2024 20:27

This sounds utterly shit op, but I really don’t think that banning her from seeing her father is the answer. Presumably as soon as you let her see him again, the issues will arise again. Is she just meant to never see him again? And I do think it’s a bit shit that you’re planning on getting the csa increased because you’re not letting him spend time with his daughter.

I know and it is shitty, for my DD to be so stressed out beforehand and a few days later I wouldn't just stop her seeing him ever again, but I feel that if she is heading for burnout then her needs and her health and wellbeing needs to come 1st and she needs to be the priority, of which he never puts her as.

If we did this, or as someone else mentioned, day visits then they could gradually increase again. The payments would increase because he isn't seeing her and yes I would do that as the extra money would benefit my daughter rather than him.

He also thinks nothing of trying to get reductions all the time of what he pays etc now.

OP posts:
JessiesHuman · 07/10/2024 20:51

"He also thinks nothing of trying to get reductions all the time of what he pays etc now."

So money might be a motivating factor for him.

50andhopeless · 07/10/2024 20:54

You are so worried about your child but the question is about child maintenance. I wouldn't even think about that in your case. You said it is only a temporary measure.

Original poster
Sara75NYC · 07/10/2024 21:18

JessiesHuman · 07/10/2024 20:51

"He also thinks nothing of trying to get reductions all the time of what he pays etc now."

So money might be a motivating factor for him.

100% it is. He's always been about money, his Daughter has never been a priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sara75NYC · 08/10/2024 08:02

50andhopeless · 07/10/2024 20:54

You are so worried about your child but the question is about child maintenance. I wouldn't even think about that in your case. You said it is only a temporary measure.

I am worried about my DD yes but also want to document everything I'm doing if he was to try and take me to court etc so asked about CSA and I want to inform them of what is happening also and how to go about it. My number 1 concern is my DD and her anxiety and mental health.

OP posts:
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