Why am I like this?! People pleasing....

[TheWelshposter]

Went to exchange a pair of trousers today in a well known chain store, reason was that my teenager just didn't like them.

When the cashier asked me was anything wrong with them I automatically answered that they didn't fit, rather than be honest and say the teenager thought they were ugly 🤣.
The very helpful cashier then ran to get me a range of sizes that may fit my teenager instead and was asking what size did I think.

Instead of doing what any normal person would do, instead of offending him, and very appreciative of his effort, I went along with this and chose a size that "may fit better".
He was so pleased to be able to help me and I left with yet another pair of trousers that I will now need to return to another store, because obviously I can't go through this again.

He wished me a lovely day and I had to leave the store pretending I was so happy with the service. Because it was, in fairness, a good service. Just not what I needed. What I actually needed was the £40 back in my account.

Is there any hope for me? Any other people pleasers about 😫

Yes me but even I wouldn’t have gone off with a pair of trousers no one wants instead of the refund 😱

Because there’s a benefit to be gained for you from this type of people-pleasing behaviour. You’ve described in detail the obvious downside (you now have an unwanted pair of trousers), but you wouldn’t have this pattern of behaviour if there wasn’t something to be gained for you. You need to figure out what is.

It’s a useful question in all types of patterns of behaviour that appear to actually disadvantage the self. My (excellent) therapist asks it a lot ‘What benefit do you get from doing X?’

I think it was understandable to say they didn't fit, instead of they just weren't liked, because some places can be reluctant to refund without a good reason. I always say "they just didn't fit right." Another size wouldn't work as the pair I ordered are my size but didn't look right over all, proportion wise. If you add "right" on to "didn't fit" they most likely won't follow up. I have never had anybody follow up with that phrase. You could also say didn't like the way they looked on as well.

You need to return the replacement pair op, and stay strong, and get that refund! You got this!!

Jeez, OP, that's a whole other level of people-pleasing.

I'd kind of understand why you wouldn't say "DC didn't like them" if it was a small, independent shop or the trousers had been handmade by the person doing the exchange. But for a large chain? That's insane.

I used to have a real tendency towards people-pleasing. I trained myself to enter every interaction thinking "What do I want from this?" and then making sure that - and only that - happens.

People pleasing comes from childhood (as with everything). Girls and women are often socialised to be giving and to think of pleasing others before themselves.

You want people to like you. While this seems like something most of us want, if it means putting your needs behind others it can be detrimental to your mental health and wellbeing.

It could be a fear of conflict. It could be that it makes you feel nice to think that you are being kind. But if you are a people pleaser, what you are really doing is saying I'm not enough. That people liking you is conditional on what you do for them. It's not you being your authentic self so harms you in the long term.

This pair of trousers made me laugh, bless you, and is trivial though inconvenient....but more serious consequences can result in codependent or even abusive relationships.

I think people pleasing is often linked to being ignored or treated badly as a child. So you are used to going out your way to please people so that it doesn't happen to you again.

As an adult, you can intellectually see that the shop assistant wouldn't actually care if you'd just said "they didn't suit" (maybe don't go so far as saying they were ugly!) but your mind still thinks that if you say that, the shop assistant will laugh at you incredulously and mock you. So you get anxious about the expected negative reaction and therefore behave in a way that will prevent it.

I do this kind of thing mad isn't it.
I once went to a restaurant in my break and ordered a salad, but got a steak instead. When the waiter checked on me, I just smiled and accepted it. So ended up eating and paying for the steak.

What we gain from people pleasing is avoiding the confrontation we dread. Often we find ourselves in abusive relationships, consenting to sex when we don't want to, in friendships with people who exploit us, being the person who gets bossed around at work. We worry so much about causing tension that we keep quiet. Essentially the main goal becomes keeping the peace, even if it means not being fully honest or making things much harder.

From my experience it either stems from childhood or an an abusive relationship. I walked in egg shells as a kid, so I became formally polite, shrank myself, held back my opinions and became a submissive people pleaser to protect myself. Worked as a kid, complete hindrance as an adult.
I've been called fake before and I know why, it's because I have a polite wall up where I'm agreeable and not myself. Which creates a negative feedback loop.

My brother does this thing where says sorry all the time. He over apologises even when it’s unnecessary. Sorry, sorry, oh my god I'm so sorry (to the cashier or something). The funny thing is it comes off as weak, which then makes us more vulnerable as adults, so it’s not even a helpful behaviour anymore.

The best advice i can give is keep practicing. Practice saying “no” or “well, actually...” expect all the bad feelings to arise and just remind yourself, you’re working to break free from old habits, so don't be too hard on yourself.

This advice is all very helpful. I know it's ridiculous. The guy was so happy and helpful that I went along with it. But to be honest I people please in all situations and avoid conflict. I also have extremely low confidence.

One of my parents was very old school and believed that children should be seen and not heard. Also quite impatient and dismissive (and still is) so maybe it stems from this?

Very interesting replies and definitely food for thought. How can I change though if it's so ingrained?

I think you should look into codependency.

The way to change is firstly to make the decision to change, then practice saying "no thank you", practice deflecting questions that you don't want to answer, practice pausing before responding, responding with "I'll have to think about that" rather than agreeing to favours.

The trousers is a good place to start because you can return them to the same branch and just say "they didn't suit". You'll feel much better than traipsing to another store. The cashier doesn't know your personality so won't be surprised by any response you give. Good luck.

Counselling.

It has helped me.

I know this isn't my thread but I clicked on it as I am a people pleaser and it drives me mad. This really made so much sense to me.
I constantly had to please my mum to keep her in a good mood as her bad moods made me so anxious.
God knows how I work through that but I'm so glad I have some insight into why I am the way I am

I'm reading these replies and thinking Yes, that's me. I hate negative reactions, bad moods and confrontation. They put me on edge so much, especially when it involves my family members.
My DH always says I need to say No to people when I don't want to do something...he doesn't understand why I get roped in to events, outings, etc that I don't want to go to. But I can't help doing it to "keep people happy". Honestly I have a million more examples of things that I have done that are just as stupid as the trousers refund.

Another people pleaser here, answers are interesting and I will keep watching the thread.

I think "just not suitable" covers the returning of items and has never led to further questions other than confirming there is nothing wrong with the item.

I'm another people pleaser trying to change.

things that have helped me are
-understanding what I want for myself. I found it hard to start having views of my own as I was so used to working out what the other person wanted and then agreeing with it
-role playing a situation in my head in advance. So in OP's case, practice how you will just hand the trousers back and not be coerced into anything else
-don't overexplain. Be polite but there is no need to give chapter and verse.
-realising that most of the time other people don't care
-pausing before replying when asked to do something or saying "I'll get back to you" if I can't instantly work out if I do want to do the thing or not
-not being persuaded out of a "no". even if the other person gets upset. It's not up to you to manage their emotions (assuming you are not being deliberately hurtful).

And for those who've learnt the people pleasing due to mothers who have bad moods/throw tantrums if you say "no" ... the other thing I've learnt is that I can say "I'm sorry you're upset but if you're going to be in a mood/lose your temper" it's probably best I give you some space now" and then leave. Very very scary at first.

Because if I said no to something at home I was called selfish nasty and horrible. I know I'm not . So now I just say no .

So, I’m asking again. What benefit is there for you in continually doing things you don’t want to do? You’re doing it because there’s a benefit for you. You need to figure out what that is.

I used to be a people pleaser.

Then the menopause hit!

It's true that sometimes it's not nice to pursue so-called quality and decency too much.

Yes. But I'm also autistic and I think it's part of the fawn response. I'm scared of people not liking me, accidentally offending someone, people thinking badly of me. I have a huge need to be liked by everyone otherwise I feel there's something wrong with me. I can't deal with conflict or being challenged if I disagree with something (some people are not respectful and are bullying about it). Being a people pleaser means that hopefully people will think I'm nice. It's rather messed up!

Next time just say: “for now just refund me these jeans and then Ill bring my son here one day to try the other types of jeans on offer and buy what actually fits”.

There is nothing wrong in asking for a refund, it is merely a business model, another transaction. There is nothing personal about not liking a product, it is a matter of taste.

The shop assistant sounds like the bigger people pleaser in the interaction. Understanding childhood stuff can be a very long process and you want results now so I suggest assertiveness training as it could improve communication going forward.