40 pregnant and newly single

[Dafraggle]

I could really do with some advice or guidance at the moment. I found out I’m pregnant 2 weeks ago and then found out my boyfriend has been seeing another woman for 2 months.
im 7 weeks pregnant and newly single.. the cherry on top (sorry if it sounds cheesy) is that I’m 40 too.
im so scared of being or going through pregnancy on my own.. living on my own and being a single parent.
we have to sell the house and other items and im just so heartbroken.

Your head has two issues to deal with that are hard to separate but are separate really.

I wouldn’t rely on ex BF for anything, emotional or material. He has proven himself to be dreadful. That’s the kind of issue where an individuals innate personality takes over. You are heartbroken understandably I know I would be angry. Get real life friends round you to cry, rage, complain, soothe.

Then here is the harder issue. Did you want children ? If you did this is very much last chance. I think with this head versus heart comes in to play. Then for each person is how much support you can expect. I know two single Mothers both abandoned when PG and those kids are adults now. One had a lot of childcare help and one had zero.

You are currently in shock so try and step back and focus on people that care about you.

Op, firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. I realise it's a shock but there are positives.

If you want a family, you couldn't afford to leave it much longer.
At least you know where you stand with man, you aren't suddenly going to find yourself homeless with a newborn.
You can make clear plans for you and the little one.
You aren't a teenager, you are a grown woman with all the experience an resources that brings.
I've loved being a single mum, it's so much easier to create a consistent loving parenting environment.

I found my ex completely hopeless during pregnancy and birth. It would have been much easier if he hadn't even there. Life has been much easier since we split when ds was 2, fourteen years ago.

Maternity units are set up to help mums whose men are absent.

So take a deep breath and think carefully about what you want to do.

@ViciousCurrentBun thank you for replying. I did want children but the way I am feeling now isn’t maternal. I never wanted to be a single parent. I have no issues with single moms as my mom was a single parent.

I feel like I don’t want to have this child on my own. It’s selfish or weak but the thought of it scares me. I have thought about termination and how that would affect me.. I’m 7 weeks now.

my friends are here for me but not local. I have a decision to make and it’s going to be hard either way. x

@Meadowfinch how old were you when you had your baby? Thank your for replying and proving your feedback and support.

he wants to be a part of the baby’s life and is a good dad to his son.

i suppose the way i am feeling is that I have been put in a position I never wanted to be. It would have been easier if the baby was born and a year old but just at the beginning stage of pregnancy knowing I will be doing it on my own.. is not what I wanted.

I read my posts and think gosh you are so selfish but I need to think of my mental and emotional health. It’s taken a kicking this past two years.

Op, I was 45 when DS was born (I know, it was a real shock to discover I was pregnant.)

We agreed I should continue with the pregnancy so ex was in agreement. The issue was he turned controlling and abusive as soon as DS was born. It started while we were still in the maternity unit. He didn't get up once, never changed a nappy or give a feed. He was never involved positively in any way. We left when DS was two.

From the day we left, things got easier. I could organise my day, engage a childminder, go back to work, make plans for the future without ex messing me around. Being able to take decisions quickly and not have to compromise or negotiate is one of the benefits of being a single mum. You can focus on your child and not have a big man-baby deliberately messing things up to manipulate or get attention.

It is hard work, but I 'shrank my life down' to what I could cope with at the time, got me and DS in to a stable routine and then rebuilt life from there.

It took about 12 months for everything to fall into place and we've generally been happy and settled since. DS is now 16 and a joy.

Think hard about what you really want, but don't be scared. If you have a good job and you are generally healthy and capable, you would have no issue raising a child on your own. Especially if you have family support.

And you aren't selfish OP. A baby is a 20 year project, minimum. They take love and endless care and commitment. No handing them back. You would be much more selfish if you didn't think long and hard.

A child is also a source of unconditional love. My DS is absolutely the best thing I have ever done.

Pm me if I can help.

Op you are allowed to chose termination if that is what you want. Is ok to want a baby but at the same time not want to do it alone. You do not HAVE to go ahead with this pregnancy if you do not want to or are not 100% sure.

My husband left me at 4 months pregnant with a 6 year old to look after as well. On a practical note I got through the whole pregnancy, working full time with a disability and a c section on my own. Practically you can absolutely do this if it is what YOU want. I felt so overwhelmed at the idea of going it alone at the beginning but each day gets easier.

The difficulty I found was the emotional drain of a marriage breakdown on top. I would not have managed without a strong network of support my family, friends and even colleagues. Do you have a support network?

It was a really difficult decision to carry on but now my baby is here and I'm 2 months in still managing on my own mostly (dad visits EOW) I cannot believe I ever considered not continuing.

That said it's very much a personal decision and only one you can make. You are most definitely not being selfish in fact the total opposite, it sounds like you are carefully considering everything.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

You will bond with the baby, the maternal instinct will come.
As pp said, there are 2 separate issues here.

I'm sorry he's cheated and you're having to go through that.

I've done the single parent thing from pregnancy, and lo and behold, I'm now doing it again (age 35). I nearly terminated as I didn't want to do it again. I'm 5.5 months now and I'm completely prepared for it now. The maternal instinct, when it kicks in, may help you through the break up (I no longer have any feelings for the father, I only care about being a good mother and providing a stable home for my children)

Good luck, I hope you make the right decision for yourself 💐

what I’m struggling with in making my decision is that what if I never feel loved or wanted again. My mom really wants grandchildren too and you read up about people who don’t regret having kids and who do regret having kids.

it’s the Xmas and friends moving on with their life’s that makes you think.. you are surrounded by families and babies where e you go.

my mom says it my decision and she will support me. I can tell she is sad but not sure how to make this decision.

thanks for your input ‘all of you’ as it helps to know people can do it on their own.