Friends are going through dark times and I feel so strange and old

[PurpleSky300]

In my late 20s, a lot of my friends successfully did what you're 'supposed' to do - house, marriage, babies, career etc. It was such a busy time and really exciting, but so much has changed in the past few years that I feel like we speed-ran all the 'fun' - parties, engagements, hen nights - and now my friends are all having difficulties in different ways, and I suddenly feel very useless and much older than I did even 3-4 years ago.

When I say dark times, I mean - infertility, illness, post-natal depression, money worries, marriage problems. Ordinary stuff but it seemed to come so quickly, you know?

I'm 31 and I'm way behind them in milestones - I've just got my first house and no DH in sight - but I feel so low sometimes, hearing their stories. I feel like society pushes you to tick off big life events and tells you that these are the best days but nobody really tells you what it's like when the dust settles. I feel like I've gone from 25 to about 50 in my head and I'm struggling to feel excited about my own path forward.

Screw what society says you should do. What kind of life would make you happy?

Be bloody glad you’ve found this out sooner than later.
Well done getting your own house. A very smart move!

Well what we should encourage is young women to listen to old women. But young women are trained that old women are nags and bitter and cynical and should be invisible.

Don't worry about feeling old, it's a privilege.

I understand what you're saying OP. For me personally, I loved it when the dust had settled. The whirlwind of engagements, weddings, babies etc was lovely but stressful and once I'd started really getting down to the day to day grind of adulthood I found a contentment in it. Just living a simple life.

Life is hard but if you can find happiness amongst the mundane then you'll be winning. Pay no attention to ticking off 'milestones' just live your own life at your own pace.

I can see what you are saying too - I never married but had longterm rels and I would sometimes look around and think, wow that is not for me. Like once I crossed the road and had to avoid a man striding down the road furious and his partner was at their gate saying to him 'but where are you GOING??!!!' I thought, wow my house will not have that sort of energy in it tonight! Poor them! I may not have had the marriage but at least I did not have that.

You are OK tho - life is tricky to understand but once you get it I think, once you realise that you have a hand of cards dealt out and you have to get to grips with them, and start swapping the shit ones out for better ones (though hard work) then you realise that life is a game and you only play the games you want to play, ignoring the rest, and see how far you can get. Don't do what others do as it may not be right for you.

My DS is finding this in his mid 20s. Our kids were sold the idea that if you work hard, get good grades at school, go to university and do well, that you will get a good job and have a nice life. But it's a lie - these things aren't giving kids what they were promised. They have debt and the jobs available where we live aren't all that great, kids can't afford to move, can't afford to buy a home.
Relationships are not romantic comedies - people behave badly, they cheat and are selfish. A lot of life is a grind, going from one stressful event to another.
I don't know what to advise him really. There are many joyful moments in life, obviously. But they are hard to see when you are struggling with day to day stuff.

This is so true. I wish I learned this earlier.

I remember feeling like you in late 20’s OP. And I look back and realise it’s ridiculous- I think society tells you women are worthless as they get older and if you haven’t achieved what you wanted by 30, it’s too late.

my 30’s and 40’s have been great - despite a bitter divorce!

you have years of life ahead of you and it gets better as you get older and better at dealing with the crap.

id find some new goals if i were you.

I think apart of the problem is that social media showcases romance, new houses, new babies, new jobs - not so many posts about what happens when it all goes to shit.

It's just life. You need to find your own centre of meaning. Partner, kids and house are not inherently fulfilling.

I think there's a point where you realise there's no rewind button. For me it was the death of a close friend. Life has never been the same.