Moving away from stalker ex, how to keep safe?

[WhyamIalwaysthatmother]

I have a 7 year old daughter with my ex partner. We broke up when my daughter was born.

There has been a previous non-molestation order in place, but this ended. He has contact with our daughter every Tuesday night, and every second weekend.

His behaviour has really ramped up in the past six months, to the point where we are no longer safe in our home. The police have been involved and I instructed a solicitor for another non-molestation order, but because I replied to a message telling him not to come to the house, and he tries to make the messages about my daughter-he will change times that he is returning my daughter or picking her up so that I have to reply-they are counted as “conversations” and so no order was granted, despite him sending 75+ consecutive abusive texts with no reply. He never threatens my life, he just regularly says that I need to be “very very careful”, that my daughter will be taken into care, that I am a narcissist that is ruining my daughter’s life etc.

He pumped my daughter for information about where we are moving to, and she mentioned a landmark nearby. He rang every estate agent and private landlord in the vicinity of that landmark and tried to find out which one we had viewed. He narrowed it down and then told me that he knew which one it was (and was correct) and that it had already been let to someone else. The estate agent had actually let it to us, and informed us of this today.

I have de registered her from school as (a) if we go to the school local to us he will check all the local streets to see where our car is parked, and narrow our house down from that, and (b) he uses school as a way to get to me-he will use school events, parents evenings and pick up and drop off times to see me. He also regularly makes malicious calls to school stating that I am abusing our daughter. I have always had a very open relationship with school and so they are always welcome to do welfare checks etc and so they no longer take his concerns seriously.

My daughter hates seeing him, she gets so anxious and tearful before his visits, and is angry for days afterwards.

After 7 years of this I am beyond exhausted. My daughter can’t have a normal life because we are constantly having to be careful about where we go, what we do etc.

How can I keep our address away from him as long as possible?

I don’t know what to tell you because I don’t know legally what you would be able to do because you have a child but if you didn’t I’d be telling you to move as far as you can to a completely different part of the country and to change your name so he can never find you again!

im just replying to say I’m so sorry you and she are going through this and I’m sorry I don’t have any actual advice for you.

have the police and social services been helpful even though you haven’t been granted a non mol (although I’d personally appeal that if it’s possible)

The police have been kind, but they can’t do anything legally. I cannot get a non-molestation order now unless he physically attacks me again, and he appears to have learnt from last time, so won’t do that again. He is very clever in that, when he isn’t in one of his ranty moods, his messages are couched so that I look neglectful if I don’t reply. They will say things like “this is about dd, it is urgent. Ring me.” I never, ever call him, everything is by text, but if I reply saying text me instead he has got a reply from me, and so it is counted as a conversation.

All my social media is locked down and under another name that he does not know.

I am worried that we are going to get into the realm now of him hiding tracking devices in DD’s belongings. I just want to get on with my life!

Oh I'm so sorry - so awful to have to live like that I'm not surprised you're exhausted.

Surely he is breaking the law - his communications are obviously designed to intimidate.

I have experienced something similar and it was just indescribably traumatic to not be able to get someone to leave you alone because you have shared children 😫

Have you spoken to womens aid?

They seem to be far more useful than the police in situations like these.

I really would recommend you ringing them; him ringing round the estate agents is alarming and in my experience the police are useless (even with a restraining order / non mol) but women's aid were much more proactive in helping me in a similar situation

Thank you all so much. I will ring Women’s Aid when the lines open. I am so glad that other people have come out of the other side of this-it has been a harrowing 7 years!

I have activated a new sim that is only used to contact him (previously we were communicating through a co-parenting app), and I have taken myself off the Open Register for voting.

All contacts from our current school have been removed from all my social media, so that if he manages to contact anyone from school they will not be able to identify where we have gone.

God I’m exhausted! Having to think so far ahead of him is so difficult. My daughter keeps asking if she can have a way to contact me when she is at Daddy’s because she misses me and wants to talk to me, but I’m scared that he will find a way to track it, so so have said no so far, but hate knowing that she wants to talk to me and can’t.

I was going to suggest women’s aid too as you can’t possibly be the only person who is in a situation where they are forced to have contact with an abusive ex partner because you have a child together.

there must be a way that means you can legally reply to a message regarding your child and not have that count as consensual contact making it so that he is allowed to abuse you without consequences.

I am in a different jurisdiction but if memory serves me right there was an improvement recently in stalking and harassment law. Engage with women's aid they hopefully will be able to signpost support.

Ask your question in https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/geeky_stuff Or try https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/tech_tips_and_queries for more confident answers.

I don’t know how busy those boards are, though.

You are all fantastic, thank you! Xx

Does he already know your new address? Because he was able to say correctly where you were going/the property you have just been let?

@Cartwrightandson he believes that it has been let to another party. The estate agents refused to tell him any more than the property had “already been let”, and at that point they had not contacted me to tell me we had got it, so my reaction to hearing that from him was genuine (he told me face to face at handover so he could gauge my reaction).

I get the keys to the new property on Friday, so will put off actually moving for another week or so that it looks like I have continued looking for somewhere else (if we move any earlier he will ask dd and she will tell him).

What a hell situtation Op.
I would be seeking advice from Womens aid.
Can he be tresspassed from your property if nothing else stands?
Surely you can cess messaging and calls, is anyone else able to be a middle person if you have to have him in contact with your daughter?
Be sure to introduce yourself to new neighbours, I remember mentioning a mental similair situation to my neighbour and they said if anything seems not right should they call the police, i was relieved at the time.
I am not Uk based so unaware what you can do legally but surround yourself with support, do not take threats or calls from this lunatic.
Take your power back and do not take his bs is a good start to dealing with this moron, extremely difficult i know.

Have you tried advice from the anti stalking charity?
www.paladinservice.co.uk/

Women's aid, get into a refuge Scotland (if you're in england) or vice versa they will support you while you look for somewhere to live.

Get rid of phone numbers and all social media and don't connect the same WhatsApp, remember things like Skype as well.

I changed my dds name by deed pole without parental consent, and I changed my name too.

I know it's hard but don't tell anyone at all where you are, and, for a while at least call loved ones from a withheld number. Set up an email so they can email you if need be.

Its so unfair that you essentially have to give up your life for this prick, but when you're able to safely walk down the street, be in your new home without worrying, and not be getting a barage of texts and threats you'll see it's worth it.

I have 2 adults and 2 teens with my ex, the trickiest part is when they all wanted social media, but they do have accounts now, just no photos of them on there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this op, it sounds like living hell.

What if you download one of those parenting apps and only use that to communicate about your dd? Block him completely from your other methods of communication then the police can't discount any unwanted contact as a 'conversation'. Is there a court order in place regarding his contact? Get a schedule set in stone about pick up and drop off times so he can't fuck about. I think a court order can also include rules about unwanted communication and harassment at pick up and drop off, but I'm not certain so hopefully other posters can advise on that.

I agree with
InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom

Your daughter change of behaviour after seeing him, and jer reluctance to see him, makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. When I mentioned to my friend "are you sure he wouldn't do something to her?" she blocked me and was deeply offended at the suggestion. Roll on a few months with behaviour worsening, the child broke down and said he'd been touching/abusing her.

Don't discount it, but perhaps ask your doctor how you would go about asking open non direct questions, to tease information out.

What do you like best about see your dad? What's your favourite thing to do at your dad's?

Is there anything you don't like about visiting your dad? Is there anything you don't like about visiting your day.... and why?

Something like that. Alway open questions without the ability to yes/no answer.

What, where, how, why questions. Start deep diving and take a real interest into what she does while she's with him. Do they go anywhere, who do the go with or visit etc etc.

I'm only suggesting this because she is obviously not wanting to see him or be with him. So much so it changes her for days. If it was the opposite you wouldn't do this.

Personally, there's no way in hell I'd be moving within his reach. He is motivated and dangerous. He will be negatively impacting your child with his toxic manipulation, which you may not see for a while. Repeated exposure to him will slowly damage her and poisen her mind.
I've seen this happen. 😪

I would move somewhere else. He knows this property. He's within easy reach of this property. He can easily wait in his car and follow you home. I'm not trying to scare you, just make you aware.