Infertility, friendships and more

[aredrosegrewup]

Looking for general chat and advice, and hoping to find others in the same boat as me as I have nobody close to me experiencing the same.

Little bit of background - have had x1 miscarriage and x2 ectopic (one fallopian, one ovarian) pregnancies in the past few years. 2nd ectopic was after 2 years of ttc and initial consults at fertility clinic - no obvious reason for infertility/losses. This thread will be for navigating infertility and friendships etc... rather than the clinical aspect. I have a plan from the clinic etc... so don't need advice on that side of things.

In a nutshell, my mental health has really suffered through all of this and have very recently had a few months off work with depression and anxiety. I'm back to work now.

My friendships have really suffered and I'm struggling to see how they will recover. I'm partly to blame for this as I have definitely pulled away, especially from friends with babies, but I've also experienced friends pulling away from me - it would appear some people just can't cope when somebody's life drastically changes.

I have explained to friends why I have been distant, I've apologised and truly tried my hardest to be present but I just haven't been able to. I've explained that I wasn't able to be present for myself never mind anybody else.

There's lots more I could share, but don't want to be too revealing, can share more naturally during replies. I guess I'm just wondering if anybody else is navigating the same thing and what they find helps them.

Thanks for reading.

Hi OP,

Didn't want to read and run.

Firstly I am so sorry for your losses

Secondly although it is somewhat different as I am ttc #2, I have also found it extremely difficult to watch all my friends extend their family easily and I am struggling. I know I have one already but I can understand the frustration and heartache you can feel. I do believe if people are good friends they will understand and give you the space/time that you need and pick up when you feel ready. It's a difficult thing because you're not just distancing yourself because you feel like it, you're not a "bad friend" you are in emotional turmoil and seeing your friends with babies is triggering.

Would you consider counselling or anything to help? Xx

I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through.

Do you want to repair these friendships and be friends with them or do you want to let the friendships go and move on?

I am childfree and I had a friend of 15 years, she had a child and regretted becoming a parent, she told me she couldn’t be friends with me any more and it really hurt but I did understand why she felt that way. So I think if you’re just very honest with your friends they will feel the same? You could tell them you want to fix it and can you meet up, you can’t continue the friendship and you’re sorry or you want the friendship to continue but not right now and you need to step back for x amount of time and then you will be in touch. You know your friends best of course so you know how that would go down.

I'm sorry for your losses, that's really hard.

My friends were not supportive when I decided to embark on fertility treatment. I'm 5 years in to TTC and 1 year in to IVF. I've also withdrawn and I've learnt they weren't really friends anyway.

If they were true friendships then no one would expect any more of you, they'd understand and not be negative.

Sorry I don't know how to reply individually without quoting the whole text, I'll try and work it out.

I think selfishly I needed to hear that others have experienced the same thing, as I feel quite isolated so thank you for the replies.

I agree, I need to decide whether or not I want the friendships to continue and I also agree if they were true friendships, none of this would have mattered, I would have been given the time and space. A couple of their responses when I first explained my absence were quite hurtful and ignorant and on reflection quite telling, it made me think about other aspects of the friendships that maybe had been overlooked previously.

It's hard to go into detail without it being outing but what I can say is that friends who have been through life's hardships and friends who's children are older have been more understanding. That's not me saying that all women with young children and babies don't understand or empathise with infertility, just my personal experience with my friendship circle.

For me it was friends with older children that hurt me, they felt I was too old and that it was stupid to do IVF at this stage in life. It's easy for them to say with 2 kids already! It really showed the differences in our outlooks and priorities, we just didn't have enough in common anymore and the hurtful remarks was too much for me. Nobody needs negativity during fertility treatment, it's hard enough as it is! Also, I refuse to believe late 30s is too old and it's not like I planned it taking so long so that was especially hurtful.

I think you just need to stick to positive and understanding people. Once I started to question why I was supporting friends who weren't supporting me, I realised it was only hurting me by putting up with it. They obviously didn't care as they didn't make any effort to keep in touch or check in so that says it all! Prior to this I didn't realise how selfish people are and how some friendships are just of convenience rather than really caring about one another. I'll never invest so much in one sided friendships again.

Sorry for the delayed reply. Yes, I agree, its a realisation isn't it. I think some people are just very selfish, I've definitely found that some people can't cope with not having attention. It's just frustrating because it's one more thing to worry about when there's already enough. Sorry for how you've been treated, some people just can't help themselves with their opinions can they!