Do I have an eating disorder?

[ChickenWine]

Just as the title says. For years I’ve had anxiety around food and my weight- I’ve ended relationships over my weight because I feel too fat for intimacy, won’t do ‘normal’ things such as go to the beach etc. Everyday I feel so fat.
I’m 5’10 and a size 12, I used to be a size 8. I don’t eat much- it feels hugely unfair that I am the size I am. I changed contraceptive pill which I believe has caused the weight gain.

I try to avoid eating meals as the thought of it stresses me, I know I won’t enjoy it and will feel fat afterwards. Recently it became apparent when I went for a weekend away with a new man, I couldn’t bring myself to eat a meal and made excuses each morning as to why I only wanted a coffee for breakfast. He then made a comment about my weight and I burst into tears in front of him. I’m very embarrassed.
I’m now on holiday for a friend’s wedding and feel very stressed by the food situation- other friends expect me to attend dinners, lunches etc but I just feel disgusting.
I’m not slim and I don’t make myself sick, so I can’t see how it is an eating disorder? I would like to stop feeling this way but can’t see how

So what are you eating on a normal day? It sounds like you have some kind of aversion to food. Speak to your GP and take it from there

@Hayley1256 coffee, a plain croissant with another coffee for lunch, Greek yoghurt and fruit. Sometimes a chocolate bar.

I’m not slim and I don’t make myself sick, so I can’t see how it is an eating disorder?

It sounds like it's occupying a lot of your thoughts, causing you distress, and leading a considerably restricted diet. I'm not sure what criteria makes it cross the line into something diagnosable, but it certainly sounds like disordered eating.

OK, so that's not a lot to eat in a day and it's also very little nutrition. Added together they are calorie and fat heavy foods. You would be better having a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner that contains nutrients you need. Something like yogurt and fruit for breakfast, cheese salad sandwich on wholemeal bread for lunch and fish, veg and grains for dinner.

I would speak to your GP about a referral to a dietitian so you can work on having a healthy relationship with food.

Yes it sounds as if you have disordered eating and it is really affecting your life if it limit is yiu

what comment was made

I think you do have an eating disorder. The list of what you eat is quite shocking imo.

Do you eat any vegetables? This is all sweet. Some protein from the yoghurt, vitamins from the fruit and a lot of sugar.

The comment made was as he was getting dressed. He is smaller than me (probably about 5’8) and he said was adjusting his belt, he said ‘wow I’ve lost weight, this is on the tightest’. So I asked if he has lost weight intentionally, he said yes. Then said ‘I like to be 12 stone, I like to be light. You must be 13 stone, how much do you weigh? I would say you’re 13’.

I felt myself burn with shame, like he had been watching me and judging that I was fatter than him. That I am bigger than his ‘light’ weight. I burst into tears on the spot, he was very apologetic and seemed mortified. He made bumbling excuses of ‘but you play tennis and swim, you’re strong. It’s bones and muscle, I was talking about it as an objective number. I didn’t say that number is bad’.

I’m embarrassed 1) the fact he thinks I’m fatter than him 2) My reaction where I burst into tears and sobbed on the bed

After, I felt far too self conscious to eat in front of him and the lunch was torture- we shared tapas and I had a small amount. His comment is probably ok in the ‘normal’ world but I felt disgusting

Thank you everybody for your input, I feel so ashamed to see a GP as I’m 29 years old and it seems such a waste and so self indulgent?

Very rarely, if I’m forced into a situation where I have to eat a meal with someone then I will eat vegetables.

If that is genuinely all you eat (ignoring the lack of nutrition and just taking calories into account) and you maintain your size then you either have something medically wrong or are binge eating outside of the time that you are not eating very much.

It sounds absolutely crazy but I feel ashamed of eating? I’m sorry if this is triggering for anyone

An eating disorder is a mental health condition and it’s a type of self harm. The details about what exactly you eat or your exact weight aren’t important, it’s about self loathing with regards to body image and food. This sounds very much like an eating disorder, how long has this been going on for?

Go to see your GP, I know this is sometimes easier said than done. I was diagnosed with an ED in my late teens, I’m now in my mid thirties and in my first true relapse. While that may sound negative, I managed fifteen years without a relapse, with the right support you can recover well and manage without it controlling your life.

While you’re waiting for a gp appointment OP, how would feel about adding in a daily piece of fruit or a vegetable - say an apple or a raw carrot. And perhaps a boiled egg? Both could be eaten kind of like a snack and not feel like a meal and it would make a significant difference to your nutritional intake.

I would say years- I remember being a teenager and feeling ashamed of eating, I was embarrassed to order food etc. Then I started dating and my weight was always my insecurity, I always felt fat and undesirable compared to other women. The shame around eating has been for a very long time, I can’t really remember not feeling this way.

Yes OP, in the kindest possible way, you do have an eating disorder.

You are tall, and your view of what should be a normal shape and weight for someone of your height is totally skewed. Please visit your GP and ask for help and support.

Firstly, a size 12 at 5ft 10 is not fat. I'm 5ft 8 and a size 12. I have a healthy BMI and people tell me I'm slim. Secondly, your diet is not at all nutritious and you're eating too little. Thirdly, you seem obsessed with food and weight. I do think you should seek help.

Totally agree with this (was about to say something similar).

It's not what you are eating that's the problem OP, it's your feelings around eating that is the issue, ie. being self conscious when doing so. A healthy person, mentally, doesn't care what others see them eat, likewise a healthy person doesn't care what others eat. Feelings of shame, embarrassment etc. that's not normal. The man you were with wasn't judging you, he was making normal conversation (guessing weight is a very common part of chit chat), but didn't realise how self conscious you are about this so was taken aback. The good thing is you are aware that what he said was, as you put it, "probably 'ok' in the normal world".

Being aware of abnormal thinking is a really vital step (I had this with my own realisation that my anxiety was not normal...the penny finally dropped and I started seeing things clearer/more accurately). Focus on getting your mental health addressed and the rest will take care of itself.

Incredibly low nutrition. I'm surprised you have the every for anything. You need protein

Possibly body dysmorphia too. You cannot be overweight size 12 5'10. What you describe is of very low nutritional value , high carb/sugar/caffeine which won't give you sustained energy or help your mood. Do you feel tired during the day or exercise?

Op, you do have an eating disorder. Quite a serious one.

Because you are still in denial somewhere. If that’s all you eat day in and day out, you would probably be under weight. Unless you do literally nothing all day. Either you are prone to eating a lot more when people aren’t around or you aren’t the size you think you are.

An eating disorder isn’t defined by your size or weight. You have a very unhealthy relationship with food and likely, severely harming your health.

Please speak to a doctor and be honest with them. Tell them everything.

I hope you aren't seeing him again, he sounds cruel, and someone who would absolutely feed into your insecurities.

You need help and support, not judgement from a little man.