Hopeless at “chat”

[Yakkedy]

I often feel like I’m hopeless at “chat” and I’m wondering if anyone else is the same. I am confident approaching people and I also enjoy being around people. I can talk about the topics people usually suggest for breaking the ice like the weather, work, hobbies, holidays etc and asking people about themselves but these only go so far and I am just not good at extending conversations and finding ways to make a valuable contribution to a conversation unless it’s a deep subject (eg politics and religion which are generally taboo topics). I have hobbies, I work, I travel etc but how many times am I going to talk to someone who I see on a weekly basis about my piano, my current project or my last holiday. I see people build connections, tell stories and and they seem to have interesting observations about every possible topic and I just don’t know how to do this. I often find myself thinking about what to say next. I wonder if part off it is lack of exposure. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are just not interesting and at other times I feel like my brain is slower to process than others. My parents were never really good at this stuff either and growing up I’ve mostly had friends who talk about the same old stuff over and over again. I’m now in circles where people are very good at surface level chat and I’m struggling. I feel like I’m missing a trick here but I don’t know what the solution is. I’m not unintelligent so I feel like I could learn but I don’t know where from? It’s not like there’s a course or therapy you can have for being a crap conversationalist. Does anyone else get it?

I feel the most interesting people ask good questions then chime in with observations.

Sometimes I'll also check the news headlines to find something to talk about .

@Bollylops I do a lot of questions but I want to avoid it seeming like an interrogation so I do think the other person needs to bring some contributions to the conversation and this Is where I feel I fall short.

To be honest I never really bring up news stories. For example if I bring up my views on the conflict in the Middle East I think that would be too controversial and heavy. I might discuss it with a close friend but here I’m talking about people I am trying to get to know.

I think it’s more about having interesting observations about day to day stuff.

I'm often in situations where I have to make surface chat. I think it's just something that comes more easily the more you do it. You're overthinking it and worrying about it too much, and that makes it seem more difficult. For me, I often just verbalise things that come into my head. For example, if I start thinking about dinner I ask people around me what they're having for dinner and what they like cooking etc. and we talk about food. Or recently I asked people what they would do if they could do any job they liked, and we talked about that for a while. Or I ask them where would they travel to if they could go anywhere. Or sometimes I just tell them about something tiny that happened, like today I told someone I'd never met about a robin in my garden and she started to tell me all about the birds in her garden. It's nothing major or particularly fascinating but other things flow on from it. When you overthink it you can up saying nothing.

There are some tips and tricks you can learn. There is a book called 'How to talk to anyone' which is quite fun. Asking open questions is great. Summarising or reflecting back (not word for word!) shows that you've really listened. I like questions like "so what got you into that?". It invites people talk about their history which is layer deeper than surface level. You can take it the layer of values too "So it sounds like creativity is really important to you?' and then you won't be able to shut them up.

Another route is to read and listen to the radio/newspapers etc for information that you can bring into conversations. Cultural awareness is gold. eg. Being able to reference a book or exhibition about whatever topic is on the table.

You can also use sentence stems like "I notice " "I wonder" ... "It reminds me of.. "

I like questions like "so what got you into that?"
"So it sounds like creativity is really important to you?' and then you won't be able to shut them up.

Both of these questions would not make me want to open up I'm afraid. I knit but I don't have some wildly fascinating story on how I started. I'm also creative but wouldn't know what to say if asked if it's important to me. Other things are more important, it's just a hobby.

I like @pinkroses79 suggestions, just chat about everyday things without putting anyone on the spot.

@pinkroses79 @Courgettesandonions hmmm both of those are more about asking questions I think and I find asking questions pretty easy. It’s more that I feel that the conversation shouldn’t just be one sided. Sure, some people might love the sound of their own voice and want to dominate a conversation but I think most people prefer a back and forth. What I want to be able to contribute are observations and anecdotes that are interesting and that’s where I go blank often

DM is a care worker and she calls me with the most incredibly detailed accounts of her evening shift which she tells in this descriptive way and I end up so invested in the interesting people she is talking about when in reality I have no major interest in care work per se. She pretends she is in actor in a role and is an observer of people's lives alongside doing the work to make it more interesting.

She keeps a daily journal of her day / observations to remember things. She has a desire to get paid to write as a side hobby hence the observer role. Next time you get inspiration for a topic, write it down to elaborate on later.

Is it more about active listening skills really developing these focusing only on what is being said versus panicking in your head about “what am I’m going to say next”. It’s hard and I’ve struggled with this as I’m very capable of asking questions or going into giving advice mode but find social chat hard. We’ve all neurodivergent in our family so neither me or my DH are good at this preferring social situations to be around specific hobbies as it’s much easier to social chit chat at those whereas at work using my listening skills has been far more beneficial as I pick things up others don’t. Then reflecting these things back into the conversation.

@AutumnStorms11 I feel that if I didn’t think about what to say next I wouldn’t contribute at all and there would be awkward lulls in the conversation. Have you found not thinking about it has really helped? What sort of neurodivergence?

I feel like my issue is really that I need to both broaden and improve the quality of my thoughts but this relates to more mundane, every day stuff rather than anything intellectual. I don’t know if there are any resources for this. It’s not literature, exhibitions, the news etc. I think greater exposure to social situations will help but I wish there was more.