3 and half year old tantrums

[MumOf2Here]

3 year old son will turn 4 in december.
He has always been quite strong willed and knows what he wants and will tell u what he wants until he gets it.
His tantrums are just out of this world.
Today he cried for 40-45 minutes straight ontop of his lungs because he didn’t have lunch in school.
( he doesn’t have lunch as hes part time morning only ) But we walk past the canteen on his way out and he asks if he can have lunch there. I have explained he can’t until
hes in reception. But still he cried hysterically, slammed doors, threw his toys etc.

2 days earlier, his tantrum was because we didnt have any ice lollies left.
He wouldn’t accept anything else and cried for 30mins. Threw things, slammed doors etc - I gave up and took him shops as i needed to do a shop so did it earlier to get him ice lollies.

He cries because he wants to sit in the car by himself. open the car door by himself.
put his seatbelt on himself.
Then he’ll get angry and scream and cry when he cant do it his own way.
Leaving the park or not wanting to hold my hand when walking. Everything is a chore with him whilst ds2 (6) was completely different and completely opposite at this age.

I feel like im walking on eggshells around him to not trigger another tantrum because i cant cope with it.
Hes like this when DH is around too.

My inlaws are over a lot lately due to having work done on their house, and they are so judgy.
So ontop of a screaming cryin child for almost an hour today, i had to hear “what have u done to him now”
”is mummy being mean” or “ Is mummy not listening “
and its like for christs sake give me a break! i end up shouting at my son in frustration to get him to shutup which of course does not work, and is not the way to behave towards a 3 year old especially.
But i feel like a terrible mum and a just horrible person for the way i react.

Please tell me theres an end in sight to this phase.
Xxx

I really feel for you, especially with the comments from the in-laws. That's beyond unhelpful.

IME they go through a massive development phase at this age. I think a lot of it is frustration and that they don't understand the world around them.

But it's a lot to have to handle.

All I can really suggest is ignoring as much of it as you can and playing it down. Explain once he has calmed down why things are the way the are and help him understand the world.

Yes, you need the patience of a saint. But he will learn that having a tantrum won't work - I used to say 'don't feed the monster' ie feed the behaviour with attention.

My DS2 was the same. I would step over him when he was howling on the floor. He's 21 now and still pushes my buttons. I apply the same principles.

And there will be stand offs and you will be late for things.

I would also practice saying 'that's not helpful' to the in-laws. My biggest issue would be their judgement. That would set me right off.

He might be ok by the time he turns 4.

Thank you for this. I love the “ dont feed the monster “ just a good reminder that u can’t help then when they’re like that in the middle or a full blown tantrum, so no point trying to do anything as it usually makes it worse!
i did try to ignore him until he began to throw things and then the inlaws started with the unhelpful comments. I took him upstairs and let him complete his meltdown in his room in the end. i did manage to explain to him
omce he was calm why he cant have lunch at school and he seemed fine with it. Hoping that stays the same on monday!

I didnt even realise they go through a developmental phase at this stage - that would definitely explain alot too. xxx

i certainly hope so 🙏

I think they want to do more, speak more, but don't yet have the words or understanding. It's frustrating for them, and there is a lot to take in and process at the same time as struggling to express themselves.

I liken the teenage years to the toddler years. A LOT of similarities (add 'take nothing personally' to 'pick your battles').

My two boys were exactly the same as yours. DS1 lulled me into a false sense of security.

Thank you. My husband did say the same. They have a lot of feelings and cant let them all out in the right way so it comes as a meltdown.
Hoping its something they grow out of soon xxx

This too shall pass.

I am also in the middle of this super stubborn / super independent/ super keen to do what his brother does phase, so have no real advice, but, solidarity!