anyone have a Mum who lives in the past?

[minpinlove]

left home when I was 18. I'm in my 50's now. She's almost 90. Ever since I can remember, she wants to bring up things which happened decades ago, such as when I told her I hated her and stormed out of the house when I was 18.

Apparently I'm a "cold, independent" person and not the "warm, loving " person she is because I moved 250 miles away back in my mid twenties. I don't go back home enough. But they (her and my siblings) have been here a handful of
time over the decades, whereas I've been up several times a year every year.

I suspect the issues stem from her losing my Dad when I was a young teen, not having any friends, not remarrying or having any other partners and living vicariously through her children. I'm an oddball because I moved away and odd because I have friends. (not many because it took me years and years to shred some of her weird ideas about friends)

It just sucks that here I am, mid fifties and still feel about 12 when she talks to me.
And as a Mum of two adults, I can't ever imagine showing them the same odd attitude. I don't own my kids and they can live their lives freely and wherever they want.
Anyone else feel like the family outcast?!

no one relate?

My late mother did, she was a nasty narcissist.
She did nothing but dwell on the past, she could remember every bad thing I did as a child but never anything positive.
she was a sad woman.

yes and even the positive things I do today, are ignored, not acknowledged. I retrained in my forties and started a second career which is really fulfilling to me, but she's never said well done or asked about it.

I think a lot of people over age 80 live in the past because that's the decline of their short term memory.

Yes, mine is a lot younger than 90 but sits around all day ruminating over all the various perceived and mainly insignificant injustices that she feels have been perpetrated against her by almost everyone she’s ever known her whole life. She is an absolute misery and I avoid her as much as possible.

that's interesting re short term memory.
I know she won't change and she's almost 90 so realistically not much time left, but I think it's just recently that I've really started reflecting on the impact, over decades, of not feeling good enough.

My mum isn't a nice person anyway, we're very low contact. But I have noticed that lately she's going on about the past a lot. Mainly about how she shouldn't have married my dad (she's right about that!) But even back to things she blames her parents for etc. She's 77. She was never good on letting things go but has definitely become worse. So I do think age is a factor.

My mother is in her late 70s, but I think the reason she’s so past-focused is that she genuinely believed you ‘were supposed to’ ditch all your friends as soon as you found a man to marry, and after that your life was supposed to be subsumed in your family, so there’s no one in her life other than our autistic father, who lives according to a cast-iron daily routine, and the children she never found satisfying because we didn’t turn out the way she wanted and only produced one grandchild between us.

very relatable

It just sucks that here I am, mid fifties and still feel about 12 when she talks to me.

I listened to a podcast recently that said something along the lines of “someone might have been horrible to you, but by continuing to think about it and have hurt feelings, you are being more horrible to yourself than they ever were, by allowing them to continually impact you”. Essentially you are bullying yourself by allowing her behaviour to keep getting to you. At some point you need to let it go. You’re mid 50s but are stuck in the mindset of being 12. That’s crazy, and whilst I understand she’s still directing these comments to you, there comes a point where you have to stop letting it hurt you or do something about it.

You ultimately made the decision to keep her in your life, you didn’t decide to confront her or to cut contact. You list ways to mitigate her actions, such as her age, her health/lack of time, her loneliness, her lifestyle choices. Maybe you just need to be kinder to yourself and find a way to stop allowing her to get to you. Someone could say anything horrible to you, but you don’t have to allow it to impact your feelings after all. Either you have a chat with her or reduce contact, or you write off her comments as being baseless and not worth your time, but you can’t keep feeling down over the same thing over and over

My mother confabulates childhood events for some bizarre reason. She knows both my sister and I were abused by a family member but talks about the happy family holidays we had - despite the fact it was on those holidays where the abuse happened. She also continually talks about my father and why she divorced him, despite them being divorced now for longer than they were married.

I find the only way I can deal with her, without causing massive offence (she's early 90s) is to acknowledge what she's saying with a nod and then changing the subject.

I do! Just yesterday she visited me and cried 5 times about how I favoured my dad when I was little (under age 10). But then she also twists things. E.g she told me how it’s heart wrenching for a parent when a child moves out to university yet she kicked me out when I was 17 and didn’t talk to me for a whole year!

she talks constantly about my Dad negatively and their divorce. It happened 38 years ago.

She frequently brings up family drama from the 70s, 80s and 90s.

I do struggle with it. Yesterday was my day off and I was more exhausted after her 3 hour visit than a whole 8 hour work day!

My mother is 90 next month and ever since I can remember as a child she has lived in the past. It is not the past of us as children, but her past growing up which she has said was the happiest times of her life. I found that comment strange and somewhat hurtful.
I don't live close, but during every visit she normally brings up her own father or mother and talks about the farm she lived on. Her mum died when she was 19 and she also married the same year and moved away. The same stories have been on repeat forever so it is not age related. For the life of me I do not know why she has always been like this but it is so arduous to have the same stories on repeat.
She knows little of my life as I do not get a chance to speak.

Let's keep an eye on ourselves and not let that be us in future. I dread becoming that.

Very much relate!
My mum's dead now but my whole childhood and most of my adulthood til my dad died and she needed me, she was weirdly resentful of everything I achieved in my life. And disapproving about everything. I think she was just damaged by her own childhood, and kind of jealous. But it was very hard. Especially when I then had to look after her for years. As she got older though I started feeling really sorry for her. She was a very hard, cold person but I think it wasn't her fault and I've moved towards forgiveness since she died.

yes, that really resonates and I do think it's related to her past. I think it's easy to dismiss
me as the family scapegoat because I chose to move 250'miles away and dare to be happy not being around the corner from her, like
both my siblings are.

My DM did this as well and she wasn't even old doing it. She lived on past slights and compliments and referred to herself as a "girl". Creepy, spiteful old bitch.

If I had a compliment she would always say that she was much smaller than me. She never was but she had a good figure when she was 20. Like we all had!

The slightest perceived slight from anyone she'd carry and talk about for years.

It's about attention and it was exhausting.

My mum is the same, I can relate to the stories on repeat and the not letting go of perceived slights years later, I think the problem is nothing has ever really happened in her life, she got married at 20, left her job and never worked again, she’s never been on holiday, doesn’t go to the theatre or the cinema or anywhere new, she just gets up, goes to the supermarket, watches her soaps, goes to bed and then does the same on repeat and it’s been the same for the last 50 years. I dread her coming to see us because the same embarrassing stories come up every time so I’m just on edge the whole time.

This could be me! (Except that my mother’s not dead yet and I absolutely refuse to look after her.)

Yes!
My mother holds resentments going back to her childhood, has wished herself dead since my father died in 1987 and has always been jealous and negative towards me, especially as I moved 250 miles away and embraced life.
She's been a negative drain since I was 13 and nothing I've done as an adult to try and address her perceived grievances has helped including paying for trips to China and Sri Lanka.

She's now 90 with advanced dementia and absolutely adores me, so happy, grateful and complementary. It's a complete headfuck.
It's a

mine too, exactly the same. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences; they sound very familiar

and mine hadn't got dementia, but has softened and mellowed with age a bit, so perhaps there's some cognitive decline there too. And yep, it's a head fuck.