Give up on hopes of family for career change

[muchadoaboutnuffin]

I have NC’d for this so not linked to other posts, but I’d like to ask the wise World of Mumsnet for some Life Advice.

I am in my mid thirties and have always dreamt of being married and having a family- that was the dream life wise. It just hasn’t happened- it is something that I’m trying to come to terms with but has majorly impacted my mental health. I have been single since my late twenties apart from some short term things.

I had a “dream career” whilst I was at school, which has remained a major interest in my life but didn’t go for it for a number of factors. Instead I went down a different route, worked extremely hard and now am well established in a completely different field.

I’m now at a crossroads in my life. I can try and apply for the original career (I may not be accepted!!), however, the training is long and I will be basically writing off the next few years to try and date and have a family. I would have to pay for the training myself, so any savings (ie to have a child on my own) would be gone.

The flip side of the coin is that I’m not happy. I’ve spent my life concentrating on the current career and, whilst I enjoy it, I am just generally unhappy with how life has turned out. I may never meet someone or have a child anyway.

Due to my age, this would be my last chance to apply for the other position.

So, wise mumsnetters, what would you do?

What's the dream career?

If you’re comfortable and have funds why not just have a baby in your own? Can’t you pay and get impregnated at a sperm bank?! Sorry sounds a bit of a weird thing to say lol but that’s what I would do!

Your dream career sounds like a faff. Do you really want to be putting in all those hours for the next god knows how many years? It’s still a job.

Definitely go for the baby!

I think it depends on the dream career. Partly because of whether it would be a dream in reality.

What is your basis for thinking this career would be fulfilling? Why didn’t you go for it earlier on? What has changed to make it more appealing or achievable now? I just notice you talk about it being your ‘dream’ to marry and have children and this other career being a ‘dream career’. Which is a lot of dreaming.

It's not either / or.

You can pursue the new career and still date and meet someone.

Secondly, if you are single and childless it is actually quite a good time to make a shift into a new career.

Thirdly, as you yourself point out, you might stay in your current career, not meet someone, or have a child on your own. Then you would regret the career choice.

Therefore, I would strongly suggest you make the career change.

Dream career is pilot- which I’m well aware of the downsides of as my brother is one and through him, family friends.

I went into medicine instead straight from school- so not an easy career path!

This is too vague for anyone to give helpful advice.

Why have you struggled with relationships? What is the dream career? If you've struggled with your mental health is becoming a single parent a sensible choice? Why is it your dream career? Why didn't you go for it in the first place?

I’d use savings to have a child on my own by IVF/sperm donor. Stay in safe comfortable job and look to meet someone/retrain later. it’s what I did at 43, and although it’s hard -I wish I’d done it 10 years earlier.

Much better than rushing into a relationship that’s not quite right (see mumsnet examples) or devoting yourself to career and then regretting it.

I think k in your shoes, assuming you can afford it, I'd go for having a child alone, and maybe learn to fly as a hobby rather than a career. My thinking is that you have limited time to have a child, but you can meet a partner at any time in your life.

@DaysLongYearsShort I haven’t struggled with relationships, per se. I had a previous long term relationship which ended because he didn’t want commitment and since then, I genuinely just haven’t met someone that’s been right. I’m sure they are out there- I just haven’t met him yet! But I also have to accept that that doesn’t happen for everyone.

Obviously this has made me feel quite down as friends and family around me have got married and settled, especially now we are all in our thirties and this is becoming the “norm”.

I didn’t go for it purely because parents were both in medicine, I had shown some interest and so I just followed that route.

If you have £100k to spare for the training then by all means go for it as a pilot. I'm pretty sure you could join some schemes to enter and it's a bit cheaper but it's still very competitive and expensive. And take many years.
You may or may not meet the man of your dreams and have kids, you can't really control that. But you can take control of your career and literally fly high and go places! X

Gosh no one can accuse you of not being energetic and ambitious. Two really challenging careers.

On the other hand (and following the not-either-or theme), could you fly planes without making it an actual career, and stick with medicine as the primary career?

That said, I do strongly feel that if you are not happy in your career you should make a move out as soon as reasonably practicable.

I would also do your thinking about relationship and child separately from the career issue and not intermingle the two. Don't trade off one against the other.

Of all different issues at stake here, which is the most important to decide on the way forward first?

Isn't the real problem that your life outside of work isn't meeting your needs? I'm not sure that sacrificing your personal life to an even greater extent to pursue a very difficult new career is the right answer.

What happens when you eventually get your job as a pilot and still don't have the life you want outside of work? What will you throw yourself into instead then?

I think you might be trying to turn back time rather than building a future and setting yourself up for an even greater mental health crisis further down the line.

Why can't flying be a hobby?

Were you on the telly a number of years ago charting your life as a junior doctor? I remember there being a doctor whose brother was a pilot - mainly because I commented to Dh at the time that her parents must be proud to have a doctor and a pilot in the family!

I would maybe think about the factors that you can control, and which decision you would regret least. For example going for the career change may take having a baby on your own off the table. But having a baby on your own and staying in medicine would mean not pursuing a career as a pilot. Imagine those two different lives and which one would fill you with more regret. I would also say the grass is always greener, and would talking things through with a counsellor bring some clarity?

Thank you everyone for your advice and thoughts- lots of different perspectives and I appreciate them all. I’m not saying that I’m not dedicated to my current role- I am 100%; but it doesn’t make me as happy, or satisfied, as I thought it would. I have a big interest in aviation and plane mechanics, and I do always regret not going down that route. Whether that has been exacerbated by my personal life seemingly ‘lacking’ is something I need to unpick.
Obviously this is all hypothetical as I need to actually get through the application process- but either way, these are all things I need to consider before embarking on it.

@Mumofteenandtween no, that wasn’t me- I definitely have a face for the radio. But I hope my parents are very proud of us too!