Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My ex has denied he’s our son’s dad when I went to the CSA

19 replies

CandleSniffer · 03/10/2024 18:23

My DS is 14, I’ve been separated from his dad for years but he’s always had contact. He’s historically been rubbish with paying maintenance and has always underpaid (or at times not paid). After years of this, and having to ask him to buy things (which he doesn’t) I went to CSM to start a claim. To my astonishment he’s denied he’s my son’s father. I have sent off the birth certificate which shows he’s named on that but I spoke to a caseworker yesterday who says he has asked for a DNA test. He is 100% the father, and he knows it. However, I’m going to have to now take my son to the doctors for a test and it’s not like he’s three, he’s old enough to know what’s going on. I’m also concerned that my ex will try and cheat the test somehow, ie send someone else to take the test. Does anyone have any experience with this?

OP posts:
LePetitMaman · 03/10/2024 18:29

Don't you have to do it in front of an independent witness or something?

Original poster
CandleSniffer · 04/10/2024 07:10

Thanks for your reply @LePetitMaman . It does have to be done by a doctor. He has to bring two passport sized photos and the doctor verifies they are a likeness. I’m worried that he will just get a mate to take the test. I’m hoping that I can see the photos of the person taking the test to ensure this doesn’t happen

OP posts:
Wrenfeather · 04/10/2024 07:14

What an absolute piece of shit he is, I’m so sorry for both you and your son.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Family law Relationship problems
Billybagpuss · 04/10/2024 07:16

Well that’s gonna come back to bite him in the bum in 20 years time when he needs help from your ds.

sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Soontobe60 · 04/10/2024 07:17

Can you speak to whomever is doing your DSs test beforehand and explain that you do not want your DS to know the reason for the test?
First of all, if it turned out that he wasn’t the father, your DS should be supported very carefully when told this info (I know that he really is the father!) and second, even though he is the father, a child should not be subject to the emotional carnage that his father is putting on him by denying paternity!

50andhopeless · 04/10/2024 07:23

He cannot send a mate. It has to be through an approved test provider and they have commercial agreements with GPs to take the sample. They check your id, the photo and you. All very professional. Don't worry about that.

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/10/2024 07:25

Suspect when he realises he can’t get a mate to do it for him he will back down
what a piece of shit he is. I’m sorry OP. But do fight for every penny that you’re entitled to.

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/10/2024 07:27

also, ask him how should you explain to your son at his age, why he is being asked to do a dna test. Does he really want his son to think that he thinks he is not his father

Citrusandginger · 04/10/2024 07:31

Soontobe60 · 04/10/2024 07:17

Can you speak to whomever is doing your DSs test beforehand and explain that you do not want your DS to know the reason for the test?
First of all, if it turned out that he wasn’t the father, your DS should be supported very carefully when told this info (I know that he really is the father!) and second, even though he is the father, a child should not be subject to the emotional carnage that his father is putting on him by denying paternity!

At some level, unfortunately I think the OP's DS does need to know the sort of person his father is.

I would tell him that it's because he doesn't want to pay though, rather than being an emotional rejection of OP's DS. What a complete shit though.

Original poster
CandleSniffer · 04/10/2024 08:52

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I’m glad they have to check his photos and IDs. I would love to keep my son out of this but he’s 14 and isn’t daft. I’m going to have to explain it to him why it’s happening but tell him it’s his dad being difficult with me, not him. I’m so angry that he is putting his son through this to try and stall child maintenance payment.

OP posts:
waheyho · 04/10/2024 09:03

I would tell my son that a DNA test is a standard part of the process to protect him.

50andhopeless · 04/10/2024 09:11

By the way, he will have to pay around 270 pounds for the test. It will only be reimbursed if he is not the father. That may deter him if he just wants to give you a hard time.

Original poster
CandleSniffer · 04/10/2024 09:25

Yes I saw the cost of it, I’m hoping he just won’t bother paying as there is absolutely no doubt he’s my DS’s father. He’s never once questioned it in 14 years! Given how he’s behaved so far though, I am suspicious that he will get a friend to take the test. Looks like there’s things in place to stop this though. Good point @waheyho - I can just tell my son this is part and parcel of the CSM process.

OP posts:
outdamnedspots · 04/10/2024 09:27

Clearinguptheclutter · 04/10/2024 07:25

Suspect when he realises he can’t get a mate to do it for him he will back down
what a piece of shit he is. I’m sorry OP. But do fight for every penny that you’re entitled to.

This.

What a cunt. I'm so sorry he's acting like this.

DadJoke · 04/10/2024 09:33

It’s not impossible to cheat, but it’s very unusual and highly risky.

If he does it, it will come back to bite him.

It’s also a deeply unpleasant thing to do this to his son.

family-law.co.uk/faking-dna-test/

LePetitMaman · 04/10/2024 11:27

DadJoke · 04/10/2024 09:33

It’s not impossible to cheat, but it’s very unusual and highly risky.

If he does it, it will come back to bite him.

It’s also a deeply unpleasant thing to do this to his son.

family-law.co.uk/faking-dna-test/

He doesn't sound like the kind of man who gives two shits what may or may not be deeply unpleasant for his son.

@CandleSniffer I would send him a link to that article, just in case he's already planning to be "clever" making it clear that you can commence an investigation if he decides to be even more of a dick head than he is now.

Original poster
CandleSniffer · 05/10/2024 13:12

Thanks @DadJoke and @LePetitMaman , if it gets to the DNA test stage, I’ll be sending him the article!

OP posts:
Mummylanie3 · 05/11/2024 22:04

CandleSniffer · 05/10/2024 13:12

Thanks @DadJoke and @LePetitMaman , if it gets to the DNA test stage, I’ll be sending him the article!

Please let me know how you get on I'm having the exact same issue although my daughter is only 4 and has never had contact with him but he's now deciding he's not the dad and wants a DNA like yourself he knows he is but like I I'm scared he will get a mate to go do it and try cheat it somehow

AndThereSheGoes · 05/11/2024 22:15

I think the DNA paternity test is brilliant. It's totally unequivocal.

Just tell your son it's done as standard where money is involved.

I hate the way women get affronted by the idea of proving the father. The technology is there so the snaky gits can't bullshit their way out of it. I was forever greatful I git pregnant at a time when this was available. Would have destroyed me knowing that anyone "had doubts".

New posts on this thread. Refresh page