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Why can't I just walk away?

14 replies

Brunosmumsy · 03/10/2024 12:04

Partner and I have been together for a tumultuous 20 months. At new year she verbally and physically attacked me, involved my then 16 year old dd, and I broke up with her.
We ummed and ahhd for a bit, we got back together. My kids said they didn't want anything to do with her, what she did was unforgiveable and they felt like I was being disloyal in seeing her.
I haven't been able to move on from what happened, it was deeply vile, personal and terrifying. We've had counselling, she lied to the counsellor.
We got back together in June, I told the kids, you dont have to see her, spend time with her etc but you do have to respect my decision.

Fast forward couple of months, my dd got engaged and it suddenly struck me. You ( she) will never be able to be a part of my family, I can never talk to you about the exciting preparations, you can't come to the wedding etc etc so I broke it off about 4 weeks ago now.
She has literally bombarded me every day begging me to give it another go, saying, if you loved me like you said you did, you'd fight. If you loved me you'd stay.
Last week she was on tiktok and sent me an invite to a live she was hosting. I entered the chat.
When she saw me enter, she very deliberately told everyone on the live that she was getting ready to go on a date. It was that moment that I realised that her default when she can't get her own way, is to try and hurt me and I was finally done.
Sooooo, why can't I just block her? Why am I so triggered by her accusing me of not loving her enough? Why do I even care ffs?
Not sure what I'm expecting you lot to do tbh but it feels better to get it out.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 03/10/2024 12:16

I don't know the answers to your questions but it sounds like your DCs are talking sense. I'm sure you already know that it's best to steer clear of anyone who has been abusive. It will happen again.

LetGoLetThem1234 · 03/10/2024 12:39

You've done well. We have been brainwashed to think that love will be enough. The reality is that without, genuine mutual respect, transparency and trust, sadly love is not enough. Unfortunately her behaviour sounds abusive and manipulative. Good relationships don't involve such difficulties.

Please stay away from her.

Lesson for the future: never ever go to counselling with someone who is or has been an abusive partner.

*Edited for wording omissions

yeesh · 03/10/2024 12:42

You know you need to block her. Your children sound like they have their heads screwed on, listen to them & don’t choose a shag over them

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hattie43 · 03/10/2024 12:44

You know this relationship will not work and I can't understand you'd even have a relationship when your children refuse contact with her and for good reason .
Block and move on .

Brunosmumsy · 03/10/2024 12:58

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I have been really struggling with blocking because when I broke up with her before, she got really ill, didn't eat, got really thin. I know that's not my responsibility.

OP posts:
yeesh · 03/10/2024 13:02

That’s just another way of her controlling you

Fengipack · 03/10/2024 13:33

If this was a man treating your daughter this way how would you feel , what would you say to your daughter. There is your answer.

Brunosmumsy · 03/10/2024 13:36

Yes. 100%

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 03/10/2024 13:38

It is hard OP, I have been there myself. You can do it, I promise. Once you have blocked her from everything, and I mean everything, it will feel very freeing. You wont see any of her half hearted attempts to make you feel bad or jealous and so you can just move on. She will soon get the message and move on to.
Just think of your kids and your daughter's engagement! How exciting! Do not let anything taint that.

QuiteCloseBy · 03/10/2024 13:39

Brunosmumsy · 03/10/2024 12:58

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. I have been really struggling with blocking because when I broke up with her before, she got really ill, didn't eat, got really thin. I know that's not my responsibility.

Not your problem. The only behaviour you can control is your own. You appear to be unable to walk away because at some level you're addicted to the drama. Even if much of it is unpleasant, you get used to the cortisol and dopamine hits and dips. Cold turkey is needed. Listen to your children.

Brunosmumsy · 03/10/2024 13:44

I have adhd. I know I need to break the cycle. I have removed her from my socials in the last 10 minutes.
Thank you

OP posts:
NewtonsCradle · 03/10/2024 13:46

It might be worth signing up to the 'Freedom Programme'. It's aimed at women in relationships with abusive men, but I think it could help you avoid going back or getting into another abusive relationship.

Brunosmumsy · 03/10/2024 14:17

NewtonsCradle · 03/10/2024 13:46

It might be worth signing up to the 'Freedom Programme'. It's aimed at women in relationships with abusive men, but I think it could help you avoid going back or getting into another abusive relationship.

Thank you, I will take a look.

OP posts:
Arjee · 03/10/2024 14:25

I see this happen to my other lesbian friends.

It is tricky for two women to end a relationship, when women are raised throughout our lives to be supportive, and nurturing.

You both feel that you are the sole reason why the relationship isn’t working. Of course, that isn’t true.

Does looking at the relationship as an independent thing help at all?

The relationship needs to end. No one needs to take the blame for that.

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