Toddler prefers his dad - I feel like a failure

[SammySquirrell12]

I feel like such a failure as a mother, as my child just doesn't want to know me.

He was three last month, but for a while now only daddy will do when it comes to anything. He will ask a few times during the day who is putting him to bed. If he gets a whiff of it being me putting him to bed, he has a meltdown and tells me very clearly that he doesn't want me, he only wants daddy.

If we're together when he hurts himself he will only want daddy, and if I try to help he goes mad at me. If he wakes in the night he calls for daddy and if he comes into the bed he asks "is mummy in the bed?" - when he realises I am, he says things like "no, I don't like mummy" and then proceeds to tell me to go away repeatedly.

He has quite big tantrums in the morning and won't let me anywhere near him, tells me to go into the other room, that he doesn't like me and won't even let me talk to him.

Any artwork done at nursery is always for daddy and when I pick him up he immediately asks if daddy is at home, and is disappointed if I tell him know.

I know he is only three and I shouldn't let it get to me, but it is so continuous that it really is effecting me. I try so hard with him. I pick him up every day from nursery, cook him lovely meals that he likes, organise loads of fun things for us to do, play with him, I don't work Fridays so I take him on 'adventure days' etc etc etc, but he still just doesn't care about me at all.

I worry that I'm just a failure as a mother, or that I went back to work too soon (9 months), or that it's because I struggled with breastfeeding and had to give up. I don't know what to do.

It's a phase and it'll pass. In the meantime put your feet up and let daddy do the work.

My 5 year old did this for a few months. It was honestly the worst thing emotionally to deal with. Felt like a bereavement, a dumping, didn't matter how rationally I talked to myself, it really, really hurt.
Everything I read about it said try not to show the hurt, treat it lightly, of course I tried this but I'm sure she could smell my desperation. It sounds tragic to write!
She did move past it but looking back I think it marked a part of her development of growing up a bit, and becoming a little less dependent. I guess we have many of these tiny separations to come before they leave the nest.
Did you once have a very close relationship?

It does feel like that. As pathetic as it sounds, it's such a rejection and cuts so deeply.

Yes, he would always flip flop between us, but I was definitely the preferred parent at times. He would come to me if he was upset and need comfort or if he hurt himself for instance.

If I was to go and do something now he doesn't even care, but if his dad does, he loses his mind.

I know kids often go to their dads for fun and the mothers for comfort, but I am getting neither. I feel like when he is with me and his dad isn't around, it's fine but he's really just waiting for his dad to come back so he can be with him.

Honestly? My son went through this phase. It will pass. I remember saying that it upset me when he wouldn’t let me put his seatbelt on for him because I was his mum and should be able to look after him.

My son is now 13 and we get on great.

I get how hard that must be op. Parenting is a thankless task as it is, and in your situation it must feel particularly

As you say he's only three and won't be aware of it being hurtful for you.

I think his dad needs to get involved here. You can obviously acknowledge your son's preference; "I know you want daddy to do stories tonight/give you dinner/whatever but we both love you and we will be taking turns. Tonight it's mummy's turn" and you both stick to those boundaries.

He may not like it at first but if that's consistent hopefully there will be less protests as time goes on.

I also think preparation goes a long way, e.g. if dad's not going to be at home when he gets back from nursery you prep in the morning for that. E.g: " daddy will be home after dinner. You can play Lego then. Mummy will take you to the park after nursery"
May help avoid so much disappointment.

Just a few thoughts. People say "it's a phase" and that's because most things do change in time. Doesn't mean it's not really tough now though.

Should have said, I don't think it's because you're doing anything wrong at all. I think it's quite common. I'm sure you're a great mum

It’s really common. He’s 3, he wants to dictate the narrative and call the shots. He’s at the age where he’s naturally becoming more independent and pulling away from you but may be feeling the need to test that the unconditional love is still there! Both of my kids went through phases of this. Don’t take it personally- it’s not because of breastfeeding or any nonsense like that and you’re not a failure. How does Dad deal with it? I would expect him to be pulling him up on the unkind words, because he can’t go around saying he doesn’t like someone to their face, or telling people to go away and that goes for whether its a nursery friend or you.

This sounds all familiar. Mine would cry if left with me for a minute in the supermarket, scream for daddy at bedtime and when hurt, run past me for cuddles with daddy etc.
I guess I rode it out by trying not to seem sad, saying yes yes I know you want daddy but you're stuck with mummy tonight and laughing, not getting angry or offended even while dying inside, but also, sounds weird, but by attending to my life outside my children a bit more... as in, going out more, reading on my own more, trying to stay calm and loving but not at all needy. Awful as it sounds, let him go a bit, and he'll come back.
I'm not saying at all to withdraw, but more to take a little step back and allow it. He'll come back.

We went through this at around the same age but was with our nanny! I was heartbroken. But it was just a phase and after a few months she only wanted me again. I know it's easy for say but enjoy the freedom!

My 3 YO is exactly the same and older DC was too. You're always there, Daddy is the novelty. It will pass.