Hi, I have been toying with the idea of posting on here for sometime and have always got cold feet. I am feeling very unsure of what to do and finding it hard to trust my own feelings and instincts.
I’ve been with my husband for a very long time - over 20 years. We have 3 children together (all under the age of 9). For the last few years things have got progressively worse with my husband. I am not sure what changed or if maybe it was always like this but pre kids I didn’t notice as much. One of our children wasn’t very well for a long time and I’m sure that didn’t help. We have tried therapy a couple of times and have also had a trial separation. I am becoming increasingly concerned that this has become an emotionally/verbal abusive. I am often called names - like lazy, stupid, ungrateful, an idiot, thick ( there are many more). We argue constantly, we together most of our evenings are very long intense conversations or arguments (over big and small things). I get shouted at frequently, things have been torn up during arguments/ disagreements, he’ll walk off with his fingers in his ears when I’m speaking or just refuse to have the conversation then full stop. I feel constantly patronised and belittled, I feel like I get put down in front of the children and often like I’m spoken to like I’m another child. Many times when I’ve said I feel patronised, I’ve been told things like, “there’s nothing wrong with how I’m speaking. If that how you feel that’s your issue”. Or when I’ve asked why I’m spoken to like that, I get told things like “that’s because it’s how you act”. I’ve been called a “monster”, I’ve been told I’m “going mad/confused/misremember everything”.
For many years now I have been threatened with divorce. I now get told on an almost weekly basis that he doesn’t want to be with, can’t wait to not have me in his life, that I am the rot of his life etc etc. A few weeks ago I said that, the next time that was said it would have to be the last - sadly I didn’t follow through on that. I had asked him not to say that anymore or call me names as it was really damaging me and our marriage. He said he wasn’t able to do that until I stopped doing the actions/behaviours that made him say it. The other week he told me that my behaviour was so irrational atm that if I didn’t change he’d have to try and got full custody of the kids. No one else has told
me they think I’m acting irrationally. My boss at work is being very supportive and has said that if that was the case other people
would be noticing it too.
In addition to the things between me and him my children often don’t speak to me very nicely and on occasions when I’ve them why, they have said in the past “that’s how daddy talks to you”. Im sure it’s not just from him but probably things they’ve overheard from both of us as well.
I spoke to Refuge a while ago and they said this did sound like an abusive relationship. I wasn’t sure how seriously to take this as I’m sure they don’t tell many women that what they’re saying sounds fine.
I have seen a couple of therapists and they both gave me the impression they didn’t think what was going on was ok. The first one I saw told me I was being gaslit. That was a few years back and was the first time I’d really ever heard that word before. If I’m really honest that could have been around the time things started to get really bad. I was going through a lot and was really not coping well. Our child was sick and in and out of hospital, a very close family member was dying and life was just too much. I stupidly said that my therapist said that, during a conversation we were having and it’s never been forgotten or put to bed. I shouldn’t have said it and if I could take it back I would. But perhaps the therapist was right though!
I don’t really know what’s going on with me. I’ve been through a lot in my life and thought I was a lot stronger than I feel I am now. I am really frightened of making the wrong choice. I’m scared about the impact all of this (whatever I do) will have on my children. I’m also scared financially as until a year ago I hadn’t worked since having our kids. I am also really sad at the thought of not getting to see my children every day as he is adamant on at least 50/50. This annoys me greatly as until 1 year ago I pretty much did the lion’s share of everything!
There is part of me too that’s sad this is over as we’ve been together for so long. But I also want to be happy and maybe find someone who loves me for me. I guess I’m also scared because what if I’ve got this all wrong and I am “overreacting” as I’m often told. Maybe things could be better with time or more help.
I seem to have lost my sense of what is right and wrong. I’ve spoken to lots of friends over the years. Most of them say this sounds like a really bad situation and none say it’s like their relationships (maybe apart from ones which are now over). I’ve been told so many time by him that I’m manipulating people and giving him a bad rep. That I should have chosen more carefully who I’d spoken to about us as it’s not fair on him. He seems to think I should only speak to very old, close friends who know us both very well as otherwise it’s all bad/unbalanced advice.
I feel like I’m going slightly mad now. I seem to have lost almost all myself worth and have very little confidence in myself.
My parents separated when I was very young so I don’t think relationships have to remain together but for some reason I can’t figure out what I should do. Any advice would be really welcome. Thank you so much and sorry for the very long post! X