Help - anxious child - School avoidance - what did you do?

[Witzendy]

My DC has just started Y7. He's missed 5 days so far due to anxiety and overwhelm. It's partly down to low-level bullying but a wide range of worries.
School are trying to help but it's emotionally draining all around and impacting work and relationships already.
What do I do? Has anyone had this and resolved it?

Try to get him counselling ASAP. I don’t know if you have good NHS services or will have to pay for private. I have been through this and I found a good counsellor, that DS trusted, was key. He could talk honestly about his fears and then learn coping strategies. We tried several before we got the right fit. Try to get recommendations.

Try to be patient and don’t lose your temper at him. You can manage to catch up academically with tutors. It’s the anxiety that needs to be dealt with. Of course, missing school time will increase his anxiety so it’s a viscous circle.

Any suggestions what to look for and where for a counsellor? I'm happy to pay for some sessions but not sure where to look.

We went for an EMDR therapist which helped. My child was younger and it was really tough. She did want to go though, just felt she couldn't. In the end we also moved her school and then she was like a different child and no problems. The children at her original school made her miserable.

We had to de register after just 3 weeks but dd had medical conditions as well and the stress of school anxiety was causing life threatening issues we just didn’t have the time to do anything else. If she hadn’t been so unwell due to it we maybe could have considered a reduced timetable and counselling I think

My daughter is Year 9 and quite recently diagnosed with autism, and finds going into school a struggle everyday. I'd ask school what options they can put in place for your son that might make school more palatable. Is form time hard for him for example? Would it be easier if he started school 30 mins later to miss that? Low level bullying sounds awful, what are they doing about it? Does he find lunchtimes difficult, in which case what's a safe place for him to go to then? Keep in contact with the school, keep getting their input and help as much as you can x

You could try https://www.bacp.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIrLPB7IztiAMVMJJQBh3OXCB6EAAYAiAAEgJ6DfD_BwE

Or google children therapist in your area. Just check their qualifications as some have very limited training and experience.

You may also be able to refer yourself to early help at your council.

The school may also have a counsellor?

You might find this thread helpful, OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5003192-the-ebsa-support-thread-emotionally-based-school-avoidanceabsence?reply=138138111

I don't think there's a one size fits all approach. (My DD refused counselling and just goes mute, now diagnosed with situational mutism) Parent led counselling can also be an option.

It's also worth exploring if there's underlying undiagnosed SEN (often presents initially with anxiety and overwhelm)

Not Fine in School is a very helpful organisation with lots of expertise, advice and resources..... they have a website and Facebook group..... it's tough I know, really tough

Having had 3 kids struggle to attend I didn't want to read in current threads and run as you are not alone. It's unbelievably hard situation and impacts on the whole family.

My suggestions

• where are you? There will be local support, it's just really hard to find and access. One way to find stuff (I find FB good for groups) is google your borough and dspl (delivering special provision locally). If you find a number just ask someone who might be able to help. This is a very hidden issue and can be so isolating. It's not until 3 yrs later that I know where my local support is.
• I would suggest an educational psychologist if you can find a good one locally, possibly instead of a counsellor. My kids have done well with mentor type relationships (@mindjam) rather than cbt or trad counselling. Just getting her to talk to someone is v good. There are also online options - kooth etc
• prioritise mental health and your relationship over school attendance. We were told endlessly to make home uncomfortable so school is attractive but this is totally the wrong approach for anxious teens.
• try to encourage activities and interests as much as possible, even when they haven't been able to attend. Anything they want to do to boost self esteem.

-I've done various webinars with @dr Naomi fisher which have been helpful (eg helping teens with anxiety). We have a charity locally that also does v helpful sessions.

• we didn't know there was neurodiversity going on until our eldest struggled to attend. If this is possibly an issue (girls are often diagnosed in teens) then research this. I did an online asd questionnaire to see if I was barking up the wrong or right tree. .
• take it gently with yourself, it's relentlessly hard not knowing if they are able to go in today and changing plans at the last minute and keeping all the balls juggled. Watching them struggle is heartbreaking and also frustrating as it's hard to know what to do.

Good luck, you are not alone....

Some excellent tips and ideas here, thank you everyone.

Does the school have resources available through the local council? DD was declared a vulnerable child during Covid due to anxiety-related behaviours... This opened doors to a broad spectrum of mental health support and 5 years later you wouldn't know her for the same child.