Anxiety help- money worries

[steakpieandchips]

Husband told me today he's worried about money. He's a spender. We have separate accounts. I think he's gone too far. We have a young family under 7 years old and now he's confessed this I'm really worried. I know I won't sleep tonight. Any coping mechanisms to try and calm myself. I feel the panic in the pit of my stomach. Thanks.

I think you need to sit down and go through your finances and do a budget together.

Don’t panic. You need to sit down with each other calmly and go through all the accounts and find out the full picture. Take it from there.

Did you ask him what exactly has made him worry? I think you need to go through his finances in the morning.

He just said he's worried and he didn't want to say how bad it was. He knows I won't cope.

Almost too scared to. I think I am too scared to.

So he's got himself into trouble, but is worried you won't cope. Either you need to work out an advance strategy to be able to support him with the conversation, or get him to find someone who can support without making the conversation about them because they will stress too much.

Even if it’s the absolute worst, it still won’t be as bad as your worries. There are practical ways out of pretty much every situation. You’re going to be OK.

Hard as it is, you have to face this. If things are really bad then reach out to somebody like stepchange or Christian’s against poverty. They can help you work out a debt repayment plan x

You won’t be spending any money tonight so you’ll be in the exact same position in the morning, as you are now. Nothing can be done right at this moment, so get some sleep. I bet he’ll sleep fine knowing he’s unburdened himself!

Tomorrow, laptop and paper and pens out and sit down together. Write down ALL of your outgoings from memory - mortgage, phones, kids clubs, grocery shop, TV, if you get a takeaway every weekend.

Tot everything up, then get into your online banking, download a PDF of the last 3 months statements and see where the money is actually going. Compare what you think you’re spending on groceries/takeaways/clothes, to what you’ve actually spend over the past 90 days.

What is DH spending on and how much? Tot it up and look at it in black and white. He has to look at it to take control of it.

Look at debts. Write down what is owed - mortgage, car loan, credit cards.

Get onto YouTube/tiktok/somewhere online and find a basic pdf for a budget. Input all of your bills. Call the bank on Monday and ask for an appt/help from an advisor. Get CC debt onto a 0% card, get realistic payment plans set up. Set up a joint current account with an agreed upon amount needed for groceries, dog food, miscellaneous life things (NOT tech or gadgets or ASOS orders or whatever it is that’s being bought). Weekly/monthly budget comes from there, make it work. Leftover money in your individual accounts to be divided up as needed - if he has CC debt, he needs to create a monthly repayment plan and pay more than the minimums ideally.

Thank you for your replies. I'm now feeling angry at him. I've realised he never listens to me. Money has always been tight for us.

As difficult and stressful as it might be for you I think you do need to go through all the finances for you both.

Is this more short term or a longer thing if you have any inkling? I think I'll have to live on lentils in October if that's any help, several bills flying out at once :)

That was shit of him telling you part of it you obviously need to know all of it.
Time to find out what he's done with finances in the morning,loans , credit cards ,stuff on finance etc.
Only then will you know what's going on and how you can both deal with it
Don't let him off with creating the problem and leaving you to solve it