Online Dating Disaster

[ItsAllALearningCurve]

Urgh, this is so shitty. Am I right in thinking you have to be completely batshit crazy to get involved in this nonsense?!

Met a ‘nice guy’ recently. Well, I say met, but we haven’t actually met in person, just on the app. Honestly seemed really genuine and we connected after chatting loads on WhatsApp and voice notes. yet he backed off re phone calls and cancelled our meet up.
I got suspicious and was then accused of being too ‘full on’.

I guess I got way too involved and invested, and now I just feel hurt and really shitty about it all.

Urgh.

So - advice/dos/don’t/where did I go wrong?

Come on, do your worst!!

Do you think you did anything wrong?

You were speaking back and forth, arranged a meet up which he cancelled and he blames you for being full on? My advice would be delete the number and move on, he is a time waster. You did nothing wrong! You will come across these types, best to weed them out quickly!

It is you that comes off a little… scary on this scenario op

he’s never met you

he cooled off

you got “suspicious”

in his shoes, that would have been a flaming red flag to me as

Suspicious of what?

after chatting loads on WhatsApp and voice notes. yet he backed off re phone calls and cancelled our meet up.

You became a pen pal and he had zero interest in being anything other than that. You had different aspirations. He was probably in a relationship or married.

My rule of thumb if no meet up is on the horizon after a week of messaging move on. It is just a time waster.

presumably that he wasn’t interested

which is entirely his prerogative

Some people just never have any intention of actually meeting. One guy I was messaging promised to call me three times, before I gave up and unmatched. There are some serious commitmentphobes on OLD.

He was probably talking to other people and met someone he prefers. This is the nature of online dating. Had this kind of thing happen a few times before I met my husband online. He's not the one for you and that's ok.

“Chatting loads” is the first mistake. It’s a waste of time: firstly, anybody can be anybody they want to pretend to be via text - you didn’t “connect”, you’re strangers who could be bullshitting each other. Secondly, it creates a false sense of knowing and intimacy which just doesn’t exist and probably won’t translate into real life.

Exchange enough messages to establish that you’ve enough in common to be interested in meeting, arrange to meet, don’t get caught up in meaningless chatting, don’t approach the first meeting as anything more than an opportunity to see if you’re each who you’ve said you are and whether there’s face to face attraction. It IS far too full on to be treating a total stranger who you’ve never met as if they’re already your boyfriend by talking about being suspicious. If they cancel the date, just say “oh shame” and move on, don’t waste time dwelling on why.

It is quite common. Some people show loads of interest at the start but then it slowly fizzles out. It's best not to have any expectations before meeting. It also depends on how you approached things with him- did you tell him you were suspicious? That kind of language is likely to put someone off.

When he canceled, did you then respond with accusations about him not being single? Being unreliable? Being rude? If I'd not met someone and they acted that way I'd back off. The correct response to him canceling was oh well. Let's move on to someone who might be serious. If you invested a bit too much in this one then maybe just keep it on the back foot till you see the whites of their eyes so to speak. Until then they potentially don't even exist IRL!

When I was using OLD, I used to move to a quick coffee quickly so as not to waste time/get over invested in things that would lead nowhere. No more than a week or so of chatting before meeting.

it would appear that OP didn’t really want us to give our honest opinions!

No I really did, I just got a bit caught up and forgot to come back.

i do appreciate the feedback.

In response to some of your questions - no, I didn’t tell him I was suspicious or make any accusations, and I wasn’t rude or horrible to him.
Just said I felt like he was avoiding me, which I realise now was my mistake and probably came across all wrong.

He was the one who was pretty ‘full on’ at the start, so I felt like I was getting mixed messages.

Next time I will try and play it more cool. If there is a next time!

apologies again everyone for disappearing 😊

What reason did he give for cancelling your date? @ItsAllALearningCurve

I don’t think you’ve did anything wrong. As pp said a lot of men don’t have any real intention on meeting the women they talk to and in some cases are married or in relationships!

I had one guy make a big deal of scheduling a phone call days in advance then he texted saying he was getting home from work late that day so couldn’t make the call. I just lost interest immediately. Any sign of flakiness puts me off because in the first few months men put their best foot forward. So if that’s their best it’s only going to get worse.

He said he had a migraine, but he’d already been a bit flaky the day before, and wouldn’t agree to a phone call, despite leaving me a long voice note instead. That’s why I said I got ‘suspicious’. I didn’t say that to him. Just asked why he wouldn’t speak to me.

That’s when I got called ‘full on’

we were supposed to be meeting up at the weekend, but then he totally backed off, and I’ve convinced myself that I ruined things, and it would have all been okay if I hadn’t pushed it.

The thing is, I do think he’s a genuine guy. He told me all about his life, I know where he lives… he’s not married. I could easily find out if he was lying.

But ultimately it was nothing real, and I just need to get over it.

Not everyone likes talking on the phone. If he's one of those people then that would probably explain why pressuring him to talk on the phone is a bit much for him. Was it your idea to meet?

So the migraine was the reason he gave for cancelling the date? The fact that he never rescheduled is telling.

I think it would be odd for a guy to decline a phone call and voice note instead.

Probably off topic but I find long voice notes quite tedious actually. I have a friend who prefers them so she can go into a long monologue. I much prefer the back and forth nature of phone call conversations, and while I’m not big on calls with people I’ve not met, I wouldn’t be happy at meeting a strange guy without having at least a brief conversation on the phone.

That said I have declined video calls because I just don’t like them with people I don’t know , but I’ve just explained that rather than cancelled date if a guy has asked why I don’t want a video call before.

You asked a valid question and for him to then back out of meeting with you is his choice too which is fair enough.

I think the pre-date texting period is a great way of wedding the unsuitable ones out and this is what’s happened here. He’s either dealing with his own nerves and anxiety or he just wasn’t that keen to meet you.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Just be glad it happened now rather than him being flaky on the 2nd or 3rd date or him refusing to call you once you start dating and leaving a string of long rambling voice notes instead - my worst nightmare 😆

I imagine a high percentage of men on these platforms are married but just want to know if they still have pulling power.

It's an ego project.

Is that not the most likely situation here?

OP doesn’t think he’s married but generally speaking yes it’s a likely situation. Which is one reason why unexplained flakiness and reluctance to meet in person or call puts me off. It’s easier for a cheat or someone who has no intention of ever being emotionally invested to text or voice note.

Research showed almost 50% of those using tinder were either married or in a relationship. And that’s just the ones who admitted it. So it’s safe to say a significant chunk of those on apps aren’t single.

My past OLD experiences have shown that people who like using voice notes are not actually interested in a two way conversation- voice notes block the opportunity for conversation and for you to take a turn to speak!
You’ve got to be pretty tough to get through the nonsense and find someone worthy of you so don’t take this one’s knock back to heart.

Thank, yes I’d definitely seemed to be the case.
i was getting a bit exasperated with it tbh!

Lesson learnt for future 😊

No, his idea.