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Original poster

Not appreciating what I've done

43 replies

purpleme12 · 26/09/2024 21:59

My child asked me to get make up as a present for her friend. She didn't want to go with me after school to pick, she said for me to do it myself while she was at school. I checked with her and this is what she wanted.

She is now upset because of two things. Firstly, one part of the make up is too 'kiddy' and also she doesn't wear eyeshadow apparently. Secondly because she thinks in the past this friend has got her more and ours doesn't look like a lot apparently.

It's lip gloss and a set of eye shadows. It's £10 plus a card which is as much as I'm prepared to spend on a low wage.

How would you deal with this?
Would you just sit her down tomorrow and explain?
Or give a consequence for her attitude about it all?

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 26/09/2024 23:53

I'm so tired

OP posts:
cariadlet · 27/09/2024 00:00

It's very late. No point stewing on it any more tonight. Probably best to go to bed, try and get a decent night's sleep and talk to your dd in the morning when you're feeling fresher.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 00:01

I'm just tired mentally. Emotionally.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing with her

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Beauty
Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 00:02

But I'll have a word tomorrow morning and we'll get the £10

I just hope that doesn't cause more fuss as well cos of the change of plans

OP posts:
cariadlet · 27/09/2024 00:03

I think we're all just muddling along, doing our best and never sure if we're getting it right.

Goinggreymammy · 27/09/2024 00:09

Your dd sounds a bit like mine, also 10. Can be very anxious or particular about stuff and then react badly if things don't go as she wants. She is constantly terrified of doing 'the wrong thing' and people laughing at her but it comes out as anger at me a lot. I know you feel exhausted but I think you have to lean in to their feelings a bit. Show you understand, or want to understand ... they won't believe we could ever actually understand. Encourage her to express her real underlying feeling that triggered (for eg the note) it, later in a safe space with no big lecture. Let her feel that you are her safe person. I started a diary with my daughter.
This is about the present (and I agree with offering the two options - money or makeup)but it's also about building trust and showing you are trying to understand her. Xx

tolerable · 27/09/2024 00:19

the £10 note +card defo best option(bin note)
and
regardless of what she wants...she goes with you to get refund?
the note tho super shite n hurts you(after do her bidding) IS actually more likely she is axious\worried she disapoints friend.in a roundabout way(shes 10)there is a lesson occured,

Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 00:28

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 08:44

She said sorry to me this morning for her behaviour off her own back.
Which I wasn't expecting to be honest. Thought I'd have to have a word with her about it.
I did still have a word.
Apparently she wasn't going to give the note she just had to get it out she said.
I'm still not quite sure she appreciates it all.

It's really upsetting because as well as everything else, I don't think she'd even have asked her dad for money for the present because he's told her he's short of money. So she'd have expected nothing from him. And then that contrast to me.
Cos I'm there all the time for her.

OP posts:
cupidsabsolutepsyche · 27/09/2024 09:05

Oh OP I feel you on this.

DD, now a teen, has moments like this about gifts for friends. She has asked me to spend upwards of £20 on makeup presents and got very upset when I say no, £10 is plenty. It is totally anxiety about being uncool, or not having as much as others have, or getting it wrong. And she would never ask her father as he doesn't have anything to give, so it wouldn't enter her head, (never mind that he wouldn't have a clue because he spends hardly any time with her!)

I manage to press home that it's not the value, or what you give, but the thought that counts, but it's bloody hard to do and there are arguments before it's accepted, nearly every time.

Your DD saying sorry to you this morning is good. I hope the £10 note option turns out well.
You're a lovely mum for helping her with the gift, and hopefully she will know to go with you to choose next time!

Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 09:49

Thanks it's nice to hear it's not just me going through stuff!

OP posts:
Toiletrollwaspreciousincovidtimes · 27/09/2024 09:51

My 2 dd's had a £3 limit for friend's gifts.. Worked well and others followed suit! Usually a lip balm, face pack and a bar of chocolate!! Dd's were popular and can't imagine paying 10 quid every time!

ADingDingDingDingSquared · 27/09/2024 11:33

Can I just say - as someone who remembers only too well the insane pressure to fit in, who never really managed it, and who had a DM who bless her, didn’t quite understand that - it’s so nice to read an MN thread about it where OP has had such balanced responses and not her arse handed to her.

Obviously the note was grim reading and I don’t remember doing anything comparable (but that the DD has talked that through off her own bat now is amazing). But I felt like I was in a time machine reading about the DD’s worry, and both OP and DD’s feelings both slammed right home here. Hope it gets resolved ok today. It’s all brutal on both of you, OP, and you’re doing what you can.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 12:00

Thanks

She doesn't cope well with things and it comes out in her behaviour (including the note I guess) so while I'm used to dealing with hard behaviour it doesn't get easier with time and it's still hard to know what to do sometimes

OP posts:
ADingDingDingDingSquared · 27/09/2024 13:31

It really is. Is there any chance there could be neurodivergence at play, maybe? Even without, this is a tough stage and you really sound like you’re doing your best for her.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 13:59

Her dad has ADHD. So we kind of think maybe that.

But her dad hasn't communicated with me properly for years. I thought I was getting somewhere with him recently but it all blew up this week with him he said some shitty things to me and it's been really horrible. So he's not going to communicate with me now at all. I kind of feel like I needed his help with the ADHD thing cos he knows about having it. Think that's not going to happen now.

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 27/09/2024 14:13

purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 08:44

She said sorry to me this morning for her behaviour off her own back.
Which I wasn't expecting to be honest. Thought I'd have to have a word with her about it.
I did still have a word.
Apparently she wasn't going to give the note she just had to get it out she said.
I'm still not quite sure she appreciates it all.

It's really upsetting because as well as everything else, I don't think she'd even have asked her dad for money for the present because he's told her he's short of money. So she'd have expected nothing from him. And then that contrast to me.
Cos I'm there all the time for her.

Maybe she'd appreciate it more if she had to work for it.

Can you give her some chores to do to earn the £10 ? Otherwise she can just give a card. She needs to know that your hard-earned money isn't just there for the taking.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 27/09/2024 14:20

Thanks she's given it to her friend today anyway

I have tried to say to her I'll give pocket money at the end of the week if you can tidy up after yourself before. But we didn't have much success with it

OP posts:
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