Do you ever think that this isn't your life?

[ijustneedaminute24]

I'm not strong enough for AIBU.

But does anyone else think this?

I can't live the life I want to be living without hurting people and being a bitch (and skint) so this one will have to do but god, the daydreaming I do just thinking about where I want to be and how to get there.

All I want is a little house for me and my kids with enough money to not worry about the next food shop or filling the car etc and it's consuming me... I'm so, so, unhappy.

What would it take to get there OP?

I used to think, at least being in the shit means you're warm - which would be a serious improvement.

There is alot of misery and desperation in life, and alot of the time we aren't making optimal choices, but taking the least worst option.

But things do change, for better and for worse, but they do change - no situation is forever.

It would take a miracle at the moment tbh.

We're living with my mum as she had a bad accident earlier in the year plus her memory is declining. OH has a chronic health issue meaning he can't work and I can't rely on him to do anything - at all - so I have to work p/t around the kids school hours. The rest of my time is spent just looking after everyone else before I crash and then start again the next day.

We lost our house earlier in the year due to OH being out of work so I do feel grateful that we have a roof over our heads but it hasn't been modernised ever so rewiring and replumbing are needed which is obviously £££££ that my mum doesn't have (nor do I) but it needs doing desperately.

My dream life feels so real to me and I'm constantly trying to work out how to get there but I've got zilch at the moment. My brain is working at about 30% due to peri and tiredness but I'm trying to figure out 'what I want to be when I grow up' to earn more money and give us a nicer life.

I feel bad for my kids that I'm the only adult able to do anything for them despite there being 3 of us here. This isn't fair on them.

This gives me comfort, thank you.

I know so many people are in much worse situations and I don't really have anything to moan about but it's really getting to me. It could have been so much worse for me when we lost the house, I just feel so out of sorts and alone despite having so many people here.

All I want is my own sofa to sit on, choose my own tv programmes and have a glass of wine when the kids are in bed in peace. I can't afford wine right now and it's 24/7 game shows on 😭. An OH who picked up some of the slack would also be appreciated but that's reaching too far.

I get that your partner is ill and can't work, but unless he's profoundly disabled by his illness, surely he is able to do some childcare?

I get that you are trying to figure out how to earn more money, but don't understand what you mean when you say you 'can't live the life you want without hurting people and being a bitch'? Who would you be being a bitch to?

I’ve met fab women who did well who weren’t bitches, don’t believe the stereotype! What do you work in op? Do you have a chance to do anything wfh? Can you negotiate a raise or change in title? Sorry it’s so hard but good you all have each other x

Hi OP, if your partner is too ill to work is he able to claim PIP?

If you're thinking you want out of the house and the relationship with your partner then look at planning how to make it happen. When could you increase hours for example to afford to live alone.

You can be supportive to him as a co parent ( if he'll be able to look after the kids alone) and support your mum without having to be with them. Can you afford a small place of your own in the near future?

Social care should be helping your mum. If you down tools they will be forced.

One thing you can change today is feeling sorry for your kids. I'm severely unwell so no longer care for mine. They have love, opportunities and more with family. You need to remind yourself that they'll be just fine. They aren't in foster care, they aren't dealing with a carousel of mum boyfriends or being abused. That's the reality for kids all over the world and worse. That one you must let go of.

The rest you can change. Think in your mind how it might work

Is there any outlook for your H to improve?

You are currently a carer for him, your mum and your children. And you work.

This is a LOT to have on. Does your DH not qualify for any benefits? Is there any outlook of him ever getting better?

I'd be being a bitch for basically abandoning 2 ill people. My new life seems to only have room for the kids and me. I don't mean a kind of business bitch, I used to be in a management role and was quite nice to people 😂.

I'm admin now in quite a cushy job tbh, the hours work well and I'm probably paid more than I should be for it, just not enough to pay rent, bills etc. Housing in our area has jumped so high in price it's unaffordable unless you can pay £1k per month in rent which I couldn't. I love working at the company I'm in. I need to do more networking and finding training opportunities for a future career there. Since having 2 x mat leaves and then lockdown/wfh I've let that slide a lot and feel quite far away from applying for anything internally.

OH is unable to do anything when he's ill. On the rare occasion he is well he'll maybe load the dishwasher and tell me about it all evening. He was equally useless before he got ill so I don't expect great things. Maybe he'll do 1 years of 10 school runs or the odd bedtime. I sound unsympathetic because I am. He's made a few attempts to get better but won't stick to his meds or make any lifestyle charges so my sympathy went quite a while ago, instead I have resentment and a fair bit of rage.

I think you can have the life you want, OP. But you will have to be brave and creative.

It sounds like your H is contributing nothing right now. Have you claimed all the benefits you/he are entitled to? Would you want to split up and if so what would your H do, where would he go? It might help to have one less person to support.

What's your work situation? Are there opportunities for promotion, more hours? Could you train in something new within your industry? Could your mum sell her house and use the money for a deposit on somewhere more suitable for you and her and the kids? Or use the money for care and you rent somewhere just you and the kids?

I'm just throwing ideas out - maybe they're not great ideas but keep thinking and working on it. Solutions will come. You can totally achieve a happier life.

Get rid of the afraid to hurt people/don't want to be a bitch rocks you're carrying around and give yourself permission to have the life you want.

A line from a REALLY bad film has always stuck with me: the decisions you make define the life you lead. Corny, but true. So, the reality is, you can leave your mother and your OH and start a life elsewhere. There would be consequences, yes, so you need to be willing to face whatever they may be. But just realising that you do have choices can be a little freeing. None of them may be perfect, but they're still choices. Once you've decided what you want your life to be, write a list of the practical steps needed to get there and start working your way down the list. It may take you a little while, but you'll get there in the end.

If your OH was ill and unable to contribute with no chance of improvement even with meds, and you still loved him and wanted to be with him, I’d say stay. However, he’s not making any effort to gain stability or be better because he’s not taking his meds or following advice, therefore I’d seriously consider going it alone somehow.

He’s not making any effort but expecting you do to everything. It would be different if he had no choice and there were no meds that would help but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case here. He sounds like he’s being lazy, regardless of his illness.

Also, sometimes the best thing you can do is be a selfish bitch. Men do it all the time. If you decide to put yourself first, the world may well open up to you.

Whatever you do, don't make yourself a victim or a martyr. If you decide to stay with your OH and in your current situation, own your choice and make the best of it. If you decide to do something else, do it with all your heart. The worst thing you can do is secretly resent your life and grow bitter and miserable.

I don't think you would be a bitch to focus on your own welfare and that of your children.

Maybe if your husband didn't have you looking after him he would make more effort on his own account. You might be doing him a favor in the long run.

I'm at the point where Judy Burton (Duty and Burden) is seriously impacting my happiness. I am absolutely stick for now, but will hopefully start changing for the better in the next few years.

Thank you everyone for being so lovely to me, I was expecting to be told I was being self indulgent by moaning about all of this. It's nice to see there's some positivity being sent my way. I know it's not forever and more things will come my way when the time is right. Just that stuck feeling is pretty crappy right now.

Right now I'll focus on me and the kids. The house, OH and my mum will obviously still be cared for by me as who else will but it's time for me to make a plan to be ready when the time is right to be able to make a better life for us. If OH sticks to his meds and makes an effort then great but I don't know if the resentment is too far gone to get over it. We shall see if it happens.

In the meantime I will plough away on clearing debts to hopefully be up straight in less than a year and able to make the right choices. I've not made great ones in the past so a new start is definitely needed!

To me, from the fragment you've just described, life sounds incredibly tough and you sound very close to your limit.

There is a saying - don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm - kids needing care is one thing - but you can't be everything to everyone.

You can, and must, put yourself first. As no-one else is going to do it for you - it is not being a bitch and dumping responsibilities, it's saying your plate is full.

Clearing debts is huge progress, you're not getting further into a hole, you are getting out of it.

And there’s your problem, OP. The ‘who else will look after them?’ problem. Leaving aside your mother for a moment, I agree wholeheartedly with @HÆLTHEPAIN — you are disadvantaging yourself and your children to prop up a man whose ‘uselessness’ (as you describe it) has nothing to do with his illness. He wasn’t an equal partner in terms of contributing to the household when he was well, and he’s refusing to manage his illness by taking his meds. It has become an excuse for his total lack of contribution. He’s a deadweight. Ditching that would improve your circumstances.