Where do I go from here?

[DrivingMissCrazie]

My husband and I have been together for 17 years yet I don't know him. He's cheated by meeting women for sex and videoing it (I found the videos on a hidden laptop) in the past...as far as I know it's in the past. We have split up and got back together more than once and yes I do feel like an epic joke. I read an Ester Perel (? I think that's the name) book that made me rethink that what he's done isn't all he is and is why I've gotten back with him.

We've been to couples counselling and it doesn't help me. I'm so sick of feeling angry and tonight (which is what has led to this post) I found a box of his things with notes and letters I'd written him. I didnt know he'd kept it, yet in there were so many notes including sexting emails from before we were together with his girlfriend at the time. Why does he keep it? I've said he loves having secrets. He says he didn't even know what was in that box.

I'm so sick of 'discovering' things. It's been facebook messages to other women in the past too. Why is he so obsessed with sex?

He's so great in everything else in life yet I'm haunted by his actions and I can't trust him, yet in the two times we've split I've always gone back to him, why??? I feel like I need him and I love him and I know I'm a dumb moron and I'm miserable and menopausal and so damn angry.

Any words from anyone to help me?

He's a cheat and a liar, you can't trust him. You're angry and resentful because he's betrayed you and probably hasn't done the work necessary to make up for it. You need to let go of the idea of him and face reality.

The problem is that your “d”h is a cheating, lying, sleazy piece of shit and you are having to use massive amounts of cognitive dissonance in order to ignore that and stay with him. It’s impossible and will damage your mental health enormously.

The anger comes from you knowing what he’s done, who he really is and understanding that he’s not a good person and you deserve better. You love the side of him that he shows to you, when he’s pretending to be a good guy (presumably- possibly he’s nasty to you too?)

You can’t trust him because you know he’s probably still doing it but has got better at hiding it.

I’d honestly just leave and stop wasting your life with this bastard. And were the women aware he was filming them? Because if not he has also committed an illegal act. I’m not surprised you’re angry - he’s disgusting and you’re also angry with yourself for not having more self respect. He certainly doesn’t respect you - you do know that?

You're definitely onto something there with cognitive dissonance. It doesn't help though that my friends and family, who know everything, accept him. They think he's done some 'stupid stuff'. They still spoke to him when we split up. His family didn't even text me a single message.

OP you don't trust your own feelings. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. They might be trying to reassure you because they think that's what you want to hear. If you were my friend I'd be supporting you to leave.

I hope you've had an STI test as he could be riddled. No one who cares about you treats you in such a shoddy way.

You deserve so much more than this, know your worth.