At the end of my tether with dc2

[Allnewtometoo]

I just dont know what to do with him. He
is SO unpleasant to his brother. The way he speaks to him is just awful. Constantly calling him an idiot, fat, stupid, playing "games" where his brother is diseased etc. Calling him names. Being horrible about hus friends, hobbies, likes etc. His brother is incredibly clever (as is dc2) neither are anything like fat. He's just awful to him all the bloody time and nothing I do makes a difference. He just doesn't give a shit and it's just awful. Dc1 cries most days because of it. He is not blameless BTW but is nothing like dc2.

We've just had it again while we were out. I just don't know what to do. Living screen time makes no difference. Its a punishment, but it doesn't stop the behaviour. He's 7, and it's just getting worse.

History - divorced, sees his dad once a week. Dad does speak to people (Inc his family members) like shit. But still, I don't and dc are with me 6.5 days a week.

Hopeful bump 😖

I've read this and really feel for you, that sounds incredibly hard. I'm not in a position to advise but I hope you get some suggestions from mumsnetters who have been through something similar.

Thank you. I dont expect them to be best buddies, they're very different and they don't have to like each other I suppose. But of course they gravitate to each other. They're very close in age. They can play nicely and get on, but this is a daily, several times daily, occurance. And of course I can't always be right there to know who did or said what.

How traumatised is he from the divorce? I would be considering therapy, and/or looking into other reasons he is acting this way. Potentially neurodivergent. He is still young, so plenty of time to change before he gets too intrenched. Stop him every time.

He was a baby , doesn't remember his dad living here, neither does dc1. So the current situation is all they've known. Dad is very difficult though, it's impossible to be amicable, he just won't. Try as I have.

I don't know what the reasons could be behind it. Of course he doesn't know either.

I'd be interested in any help/resources that might help me help him, or understand him better.

He doesn't appear to be ND. I'm not an expert of course but I kniw a bit and I dont think there are any indications.

If my two were like this (they are close in age), I used to make each of them say 3 nice things to each other. They always finished up laughing.
Before anyone rubbishes this (it's Mumsnet after all), I can say that it actually did work with mine.

Hi OP, sounds really tough!
I did a day long parenting course which really helped me when we went through some difficulties with my son, who was a little older at the time. There was a lot of helpful techniques in there, but the one I found most helpful and effective was to focus on all the positive things they do.
You say they can play together sometimes—when they do this, praise them. Reward them for anything nice they do for one another. It may seem a bit forced to keep doing it for things you would hope they would just do out of the goodness of their hearts, but it honestly worked better for me to do that than keep telling them off for the negatives and being ignored.

Sorry if I missed, how old is dc1?

I have a 7yo that is rude to his younger brother at times, yet incredibly kind at others.

I try to praise up with positives. Is he getting attention for negative behaviour?

Is dc1 actually upset, or has he learnt that crying produces a reaction in mum? I say this because my younger one cried a lot, when we started overlooking and he didn't know, he was crying over the most minor of things.

Unkindness about fat, disease would have 7yo removed from the situation and sent to time out. These are lines that don't get crossed. 5 minutes out, he apologises and can then join back in again. Bit like a toddler.

Any tit for tat between siblings, they get left to resolve it. I'm not sorting out some minor issue over a lego brick. The alternative is I throw all the lego.

Does the older one have somewhere he can go that is just his space?

Dc1 is 9. Genuinely upset. He does take things to heart , which makes it worse.

I suppose its just so relentless, not just this issue, other stuff too and this is just one more thing to deal with. I do try to praise the good. But yes dc2 does get attention (negative) from this behaviour. I can't ignore it though can I.

I'll try these suggestions. And try not to go round tge bend in the meantime.

Next time he is awful to the sibling he needs to do something nice for him. Make him a snack. Let him have the TV remote. Tidy his room for him.

You sound ground down by it all. Sending supportive vibes.

One thing I've tried is to deliberately separate them at flash points in the day. Eg I know about 5pm just before tea they get aggy, so I suggest one of them does something with me/in a different room just to break it up a bit.

Have you tried giving dc1 some retorts for the less harmful stuff? Eg if dc2 calls you an X, say liar liar pants on fire because we all know it's not true. Try and build a bit of resilience in ds1 at the same time about brushing off minor comments as being rubbish he doesn't need to care about.

My oldest is like this too. He is 15 but asd and developmentally delayed. Ds2 is 13. Ds2 started to overtake him when he was about 10 in maturity and everything. Ds2 for example would go for a bike ride with friends to the shops, whereas ds1 didn’t like being away from me. Ds2 also overtook him academically.

I think that’s when the resentment started. Ds1 knows he is the older brother but ds2 doesn’t look up to him or treat him as such. Ds2 finds him annoying and mostly ignores him. So now ds1 is just mean, he calls ds2 names and stuff too. They are both as bad as each other. It really upsets me how much they dislike each other. I just hope one day they can get along.

sorry can’t offer any advice but you aren’t alone.

No advice, but solidarity. DS (11) is vile to DD (8) and makes her cry multiple times a day. Tells her she's too skinny, ugly, stupid idiot, fucking dickhead, sticks his middle finger up at her, smacks her on the head, pushes her over, snatches things out of her hands, farts in her face, hides her things... and yet he's an incredibly clever, "gifted" boy.

Their dad and I are happily married; they never hear any nastiness from either of us. He has however been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and is being assessed for autism too. It seems to stem from low self esteem and extreme jealousy. He seriously seems to think we hate him and she's the golden child. But we can't get through to him that the only reason he gets told off more is because of his behaviour towards her.

Nothing seems to work and we're at our wits end.

@Raveonette what you say about low self esteem hits hone, he's very self critical but is also very bright, and capable. This is def something I need to think about, it's a vicious circle isn't it?

It's so hard - any negativity, real or perceived, makes him worse, but at the same time we can't just sit back and let him treat his sister like that. As suggested by the professionals working with us, we're trying to just deal with the more serious stuff, ignore the little things and really pile on the praise when he's nice to her. We can seem to make some headway, then have another setback so I'm not sure how effective it is tbh.

He's on a waiting list for some sort of self esteem work through CAMHS, we're seeing his psychologist on Friday so I'll chase it up then.

I'd definitely advise getting referred to CAMHS asap as it can be a long wait. Whilst it hasn't been a magic fix for us, we've definitely picked up some useful tips, it's helped us get support at school (consistent approach with what we're doing at home, and he really values his sessions with the counsellor) and we've also recently started medication which has definitely lessened the meltdowns and lashing out.