Anyone else struggling with toddler(s) and ill/terminal parents?

[GingerLiberalFeminist]

I know I can't be the only person on Mumsnet in this conflict and thought a thread for those of us in the thick of aging/ill parents and managing toddler behaviour might be helpful.

In a nutshell, my father has serious complications after having part of his pancreas removed due to cancer. This involved him being in hospital for over 3 months this year and he is still under district nurse at home and mightily frustrated.

My mother in law was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer in August, given six months to live. Again struggling with the body giving up when the mind is able.

I'm struggling with my nearly 2 DD who is all energy, learning and tantrums, my DH's grief and emotional struggles and keeping everyone going.

So if anyone has any tips/wants to share id be grateful!

Hey, I just wanted to post in sympathy. Not exactly the same. But my little one is nearly 2.5. My mum died last year from pancreatic cancer, and my father in law is currently having chemo for stage 4 bowel cancer after a perforated bowel. Not sure I have any tips, but I feel you!

I’ve been there. I can’t say I have any tips. Counselling if and when you need it is my only advice.

It is so very hard sometimes to cope with absorbing a toddler's emotions, when you are at absolute bursting point with everyone else's emotions too.

Not these days but I was a lone parent to a toddler while also being my terminally ill dad’s carer. It is as tough as it gets and you have all of my sympathy. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting. At the time, I thought it was the lowest point of my life. Twenty years later, I am filled with nothing but loving memories. It wasn’t my gift yet to receive the beauty of that period of my life. I appreciate it now, despite the hardship it came with. It made me a better, kinder person for sure. When your back is up against the wall and solutions are few and far between, underneath the weight of your grief, rage (oh yes! You’ve got to allow space for the anger), and stress, grace’s lightness rises to the top and humbles us.
You’re living life on life’s terms and it’s so hard. Give yourself breathing space.

You’re in the trenches, OP. And I totally know how stretched you feel. You need clones of yourself just to manage the expectations while dealing with a range of emotions. That’s probably what I remember most; the emotions and the guilt that sometimes felt for resenting my situation. Years later, I’m left with nothing but love and human understanding. It’s ok to feel all of things. 💐

Do you have any YOU space/time?

I hope you don’t mind me popping up with my past experience as opposed to real-time.

Just read your update. Oh I feel your plight. My brother had his pancreas removed during his Whipples surgery and that was so tough. I don’t have the words but life is so tough right now.
You really are in the trenches! You’ve got bullets flying in all directions. 😔

Is extended family sharing the load?

Oh bless you, so much going on in a small space of time!

Thanks, I'm on the waiting list, they say 4-5 weeks at the mo

Sometimes I think it helps to just know there are others in a similar situation. It can be very tricky when those around you are sympathetic, but haven't had to deal with ill parents/in laws at the same time as a toddler. When their parents are still there as their support, rather than you needing to provide some support to them. I am lucky in that my dad is coping, so I don't have too much additional worry about him, but it's very different from being able to just look to your parents as support. And my husband's mum is fairly disabled and they are not coping at all. So it's challenging. So yeah, just knowing that others have some understanding and can say yes it's crap, I've found can be helpful

Thanks so much and really appreciate the views of those out the other side as well!

Helpfully work let me go, so I've got time on my hands. We are keeping DD in nursery to not lose her space, and I'm doing things like sorting out benefits and stuff for MIL. But I've also been moonlighting and going horse riding when I can. I feel guilty as I should be job hunting/cleaning the house/helping people but it is giving me me time and exercise, and when you're working with horses you don't have time to think!

My DH is the hardest, he won't talk about anything. I'm not pushing him, I've just let his friends know and they're rallying round him too. MIL's diagnosis came completely out of the blue after several months of dealing with my dad.

I'm grateful we can get DD to spend time with Nanny and we are making time for family dinners etc as often as possible. Those will be tue memories ill cherish in the end.

@GingerLiberalFeminist totally understand why you say you feel guilty. But give yourself permission not to hey. My husband also won't talk about things, and it's really tricky, because I want to. So I understand that too. It all sounds very challenging for you currently, and I know the feeling of just having to keep gojng and not being able to collapse, and it's really annoying if someone says you're doing well, because it's like actually I'm not, I don't have any choice.

Also, and I don't know if this rings true for you, but I found it very challenging with my mum, the whole idea of making memories, because the reality is that you're spending time with a sad and deteriorating person, and they don't have much energy and you don't really know how long there is left and it's all really meh. It's a very tricky time.

I see you