Am I allowed to feel sad about this, its such an odd feeling

[AmIallowedtobesad]

I had an abusive childhood, it was a very dark time for me.

In primary school I had a best friend, she was the only light I had for years.

We had a book we were obsessed with, danced, wrote songs, she was the only good and happy place I had.

We drifted in secondary school, and I turned to all the usual awful stuff to see me through, drink, drugs and boys.

As it turned out she also had a lot going on and she also turned to the same things.

I sorted myself out, and then some years later Facebook became a thing. She and I got back in touch.

I lived a fair distance away at that point so it was all online.

Eventually I moved back and she and I started seeing each other in person again, and it became very apparent that she was still drinking a lot. I tried my damndest with her, but I really couldn't have that around my children so she couldn't come to my home.

She then ruined a particular event for me and I had enough and told her I couldn't cope with her drinking dominating everything and causing constant dramas and so we never spoke again.

Sadly she died a few months ago.

Still young, and just a wasted life.

I feel so sad, but I feel like such a hypocrite.

I'm sad that she died, but I'm also sad because of how her life turned out, the dreams we had as kids, all gone, the person she could so easily have been, came to nothing. Her life was so sad, and I know that I was as special to her as she was to me, and then it got ruined as adults because she was an alcoholic and I couldn't cope or be the help she needed.

I am sad, but there's another feeling there I can't quite put my finger on too.

I've written a long letter all about our friendship as children and bought a copy of the book (her child was named after 'my' character in the book) and I would love to share it with her child (well the dad at this point as chikd is still fairly young), but I don't have the right to get involved or be sad due to how things ended.

It's just such an odd feeling

Of course you have a right to feel sad. A person who you have a shared history with and loved has died. I’m very sorry your loss.

No, you couldn’t provide the help she needed because only she could do that. Maybe have a look as some Al anon groups.

That sounds very hard, and I'm so sorry both for what you've gone through, and the death of your friend.

The death of hope and the dying of the light in one so young is so difficult. You must feel at once that it could have been you, and also such sorrow at the death of one both so youthful and so wasted.

The feeling you can't put your finger on is that this could have been you. And gratitude that it wasn't. And terrible grief that it wasn't. x

Thank you, maybe it is a bit of "could have been me" creeping in. God that sounds awful.

She was so beautiful, and clever, great with words and her imagination was amazing. She should have been a writer and been off touring the world with her books, but instead she got trapped in the past in her head, and eventually it killed her.

She was my everything once upon a time and now she's two memories, who she was, and who she became.

Such a tragic loss.

An unusually high proportion of my GCSE year class have died, either in accidents or from unexpected illness. I often feel sad about these friends from a former life, I may have grown up out of that life, but not necessarily the friendships, if they weren't taken away...

Could you write a letter to her child talking about your friend as a child as something for them to have when they are older? Keep it light and about the early years not your loss or the alcoholism and their dad may pass it on when they are old enough to understand. They are likely to be curious about what their mother was like as a person.

You can grieve the friendship you had and be sad about the loss of a life taken too soon. It's such a shame and it sounds like your friend didn't have an easy time.

I don't think it's a good idea to write any letters or to contact her child at all.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like you were great friends when you were younger and it's tragic that she died young but (sorry if this sounds harsh) it's not for you to decide that she wasted her life. It was her life. Hardly anyone's adult life turns out like they dreamed of as a child. I think it's probably the grief you're going through atm but she had a whole life outside your childhood friendship and I think you are only thinking about it from your own perspective.

That's what I was thinking. Writing the letter was good for you - getting it out on to paper, and writing a letter for her child to read sometime in the future, if he/she wants to, is a good idea. It's always lovely, years after someone's died, when a person says something like, "I knew your mother when we were girls".

Of course you're allowed to feel sad. You've lost someone you loved. Life is not all raving happiness. It would be odd if it were.

I feel your pain, my childhood best friend chose to leave the world a few weeks ago. She was beautiful and had everything to live for, and yet she couldn’t stay. Grief and survivors guilt are two very heavy emotions to work through. Wishing you the best

I'm so sorry for what you have both been through and that you lost your friend. That is a really sad story and I really feel for the younger you going through all that.

Maybe you can stay in touch with her family and help to shine a little light into her child's life when she needs it?

Yes, but it shouldn’t be a letter full of grief and rage and ‘it could have been me’, it should be age-appropriate and tailored to a young girl who lost her mum terribly young.

Of course you’re ’allowed’ to sad, OP. It’s desperately sad. You know how much effort it took for you to get out of self-destructive addictions, and you’re grieving she wasn’t able to do it, as well as the loss of your friend whom you loved.

Thank you.

She was sad herself, we had a lot of talks about how she felt her life should have been, she said that she had wasted her time on the past rather than looking to the future.

She got upset a lot when she heard people we went to school with living the life she felt she should have had, but she just didn't want to turn it around for herself. She was just tired being in a constant battle with herself and did her best to numb it I suppose.

I'm going to keep what I've written and the book, and if her child ever seeks me out (which could very well happen, my friend wrote lots about our friendship) I'll give it over. I'm definitely not going to insert myself into the family grief.

I've had people I was much closer to die, actually quite a few I went to school with/worked with as a teen have died, but this is a new feeling. She was my friend, but also we weren't really friends anymore.

I suppose I'm thinking back to those two little girls who found each other while going through so much shit, and dreaming of what our lives would be when we got out of our situations, and it's just so sad that she never really got out of hers.

@ohyesido I am so sorry about your friend 💐

Oh the letter isn't sad at all. It's just sharing what her mum was like as a kid, verses of the songs we made up, the games we used to play, the songs we loved, funny stories etc, there's not a hint of what I'm saying here. Just funny and sweet memories of a very dear friend.

lts sad when anyone dies and you spent a lot of your formative years together. Let your grief out and don't feel like it's an impostor.

Sit on the letter and see if fate brings her family and you together to discuss these things. Really, it was her addiction you rejected and not her, and although you feel crap you couldn't help her overcome it I'll bet you tried and in the end you just had to protect yourself. It's right to grieve all that's been lost, as you said.

Of course you’re allowed to be sad and grieve your lovely friend. Alcoholism is a scourge and can make maintaining a relationship - whether it’s a friend, a partner or a family member - stressful, frustrating and often, in the end, impossible. People who’ve never dealt with it often just don’t get it.

I understand why you might be feeling guilty or hypocritical, but her disease, not you, was to blame for the terms you parted on. That one incident alone doesn’t define your friendship. It was much bigger than that and meant more to both of you, so you have as much right to feel her loss as anyone else who loved her.

The book and letter sound so lovely and heartfelt - the way you speak about your friend is just beautiful. You could just post it to her child, care of her partner, and leave it up to him whether or when he wants to share it. You could also include your contact details in case he would like to get in touch - he might surprise you and be a lot more understanding about your fractured friendship than you’re anticipating. Living with an alcoholic is horrendous and he may be more ready to forgive and forget than you think.

@AmIallowedtobesad this made me cry. I know SO MUCH of what you're feeling.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm I'm sorry you understand this feeling too 💐

She wasn't actually with the father of her child, their relationship was another victim of the addiction unfortunately. She didn't have anyone in real life, from what I gather, she was only able to maintain online relationships in the end. I suppose it was just easier for her, which I understand.

I did know her ex many years ago, but it would feel intrusive to seek him out, if I bump into him then I'll see how things are and decide from there.

I really don't want to intrude on their grief, I'm just kind of trying to work through my own (although calling my feelings grief feels intrusive too).

@AmIallowedtobesad "although calling my feelings grief feels intrusive too"

Not at all, it is grief. She was your friend and friendship is an amazing thing to have.

I am sorry for your loss. It's so hard to lose someone and gets more complex in situations like this. Hugs if wanted 💐

I really don't want to intrude on their grief, I'm just kind of trying to work through my own (although calling my feelings grief feels intrusive too).

You are grieving many things, and not all of them are your own. The friendship you had that couldnt be sustained, and that now will never return. Grieving her hopes and dreams that never happened for her. All the years she won't see. Her awful childhood.

Yours was a very special bond. You were each other's refuge. Your lives were difficult and complex, and so too is your grief. Allow the feelings you have. They are valid.

Thank you for all you kind words.

I guess I just feel like an imposter by feeling sad considering I couldn't support her through her addiction in the end.

I just keep thinking back to all the times we were sitting, making daisy chains, talking about where our lives would go, and hers has just ended before she even really had a chance.

The abuse we both suffered brought us together and tore us apart in equal measure.

I'm going to keep writing down memories, and look out some very old photos and keep everything aside for a time they may be wanted.

Thanks for letting me have an outlet for my feelings, it's so complicated.