Forgot friend’s birthday - feel awful

[Squidgemoon]

I forgot my BFF’s birthday and I feel terrible.

I mean I didn’t totally forget it - she’s away and I gave her a card last weekend and I got her a voucher as a present which would have been emailed to her this morning.

But then today it just totally slipped my mind that today was the day and I sent her a text this morning which was a load of mindless drivel about my day, not acknowledging her birthday at all. Then I’ve been out all day and it’s only when I’ve sat down this evening and thought hm, she hasn’t replied to my message from this morning, that I’ve realised. I’ve sent her another message apologising but she hasn’t replied and I know she’ll be really hurt. I have no excuses really other than just being busy and having a memory like a sieve. It’s in my calendar but I just haven’t looked at the calendar today! I also don’t really care about my own birthday which I think contributes to me being more forgetful about other people’s, but this friend really does care about hers which is why it’s even more awful. We message every day and were talking literally the day before yesterday about how rubbish her last few birthdays have been, so I really have no excuse.

What can I do to make it up to her? She’s my very best friend and I’m just feeling so so bad.

Stop agonising over this. Has she acknowledged the voucher, the card? If she's in a mood because despite remembering her birthday in the form of forward planning gifts and cards you didn't acknowledge it first thing on a morning then she's frankly rude and ridiculous. I know some adults are precious are birthdays but really you can't expect the world to stop turning for it. Don't apologise again or grovel - you're human and plus you did get her a gift!

She's got your card and present. Your failure to mention her birthday in a text message shouldn't be an omission of birthday-ruining proportions. You've apologised - you can't do anything more. It's up to her if she chooses to make a big deal of it, or shrug it off like an adult. Don't spend any more time feeling guilty.

It sounds like she might be busy celebrating her birthday or just getting on with her weekend.

I absolutely would shrug it off if it was me. But I know she won’t ☹️ in fairness to her, she’s been going through a tough time and a lot of that is related to having been single for a long time and feeling left behind when most of her friends (including me) are married with DC. She doesn’t feel like she’s anyone’s priority and me forgetting her birthday will just exacerbate that feeling I think. She’s also a very thoughtful friend herself.

I expect she will reply to me eventually, but it’s horrible just waiting. She hasn’t read my apology message and I have a feeling she’ll leave me on unread for a while, until she feels less annoyed with me. She really is a fantastic friend overall but a bit of a grudge holder - I’ve never been on the receiving end of it before though!

You might just need to give her a bit of space to get over it. I think she's overreacting, though - and I say that as a middle-aged woman who loves a fuss made of her birthday!

Of course your best friend is not your number one priority, your family and kids are. If she was really a good friend she would understand this. The world does not revolve around her every second. You were caring and considerate enough to arrange her card and present in advance which is more than enough. To be upset because you forgot to mention it in a text is just ungrateful and rude.
You have done the right thing by apologising but please don’t feel bad. The fact that she is upset about this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s about her unrealistic and self-centred expectations.

She sounds like she’s really hard work, you sent her a card & a present and now she’s sulking because you didn’t text happy birthday and you are making lots of excuses for her.

You are not really making her sound like a friend, more like a “popular girl” and you are one of the entourage that has to make her feel special.

Shes a grown up, presumably it’s not a significant birthday so she needs to get over herself & there is nothing more you can (or should) do.

I mean you’re a better woman than me, I’d have apologised sincerely like you did, felt a bit guilty but ultimately remembered that like a previous poster pointed out, I’d already prepped a card knowing she was going to be away, not done an after the fact job, and prepped a gift. She meant enough that you did the legwork and made the effort! Especially with the voucher - I’m assuming it had some birthday acknowledgement and tbh I’d be surprised if she knew it wasn’t something you hadn’t actively sent/done on the actual day enough to warrant getting the hump with you - you should definitely lean on that as a backup if she gets twitchy with you eg - well I sent you your birthday voucher and I’ve had no acknowledgment from you about it, so if you’re feeling hard done by, just say remember I did give you a present and acknowledgment on the morning, I just didn’t ALSO do it in my text!
I think her not acknowledging the gift is just as equal a faux pas as your mistake 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I get a card from a friend on my birthday, I will text or WhatsApp to say thank you. It wouldn't occur to me that they should also send me a birthday message. Often friends do, but I think of it as a bonus. If someone goes to the trouble of sending a card and arranging a gift, I think it's obvious that they care that it's your birthday!
Your friend is being unreasonable and you sound like a very thoughtful friend.

Sounds to me like you did more than enough. I don't think groveling to her is helpful for either you, it will just encourage her to be obsessive about the whole issue of birthdays.

I could never tolerate a huffy, childish response like this from a friend. I'd completely ignore such behaviour rather than encouraging more of it by offering attention. If she really is having a sulk over this nothing burger I'd be inclined to look around for new friends.

I would give and would only expect 'sorry I missed it hope you had a good birthday' or similar short sentence and move on

I can be doing with people who go over the top and go on and on and say 50 times and endlessly apologise

If someone can't handle that then they need help