Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is dh taking the piss a bit?

45 replies

Guitarero · 21/09/2024 17:25

Hi,

dh and I have been married for 15 years and together for 18. We’ve got 2 dc’s both in their early teens.

I’ve always been the higher earner and this has never been an issue. Dh takes home £1580 per month whereas I take home £3500. Understandably I pay a greater share of the bills and this is fine, however I feel that its hine a bit too far. out of his £1580 dh pays out a total of £550 consisting of £250 towards house bills and about £300 in personal expenses, leaving him with ove r 1k a month to himself.

i pay the ( large) mortgage, the remainder of the bills, and all of the food shopping. I also pay for dc’s stuff- clothes etc. all of this comes to £2800. On top of this I sort out holidays, days out, car and house repairs etc. there’s never much left by payday. I also chip away at our debts.

is dh taking the piss out me. He’ll often say “ I dont earn much” but I don’t think that 1k a month to himself is too bad. I just think it should be a bit fairer. AIBU?

OP posts:
Flossyts · 21/09/2024 17:27

We put everything in the melting pot for bills, and family expenses then pay each person an equal allowance into a personal account.
i can’t understand the he pays this she pays that way of doing it. Invariably, regardless of who’s the higher earner the woman ends up worse off because she buys stuff for the kids that wouldn’t occur to than bloke.

KnickerlessParsons · 21/09/2024 17:29

I agree. Put it all in one account and each take out of it what you need.
A marriage is a partnership, not an earning/spending competition. Particularly when you have a family.

Octavia64 · 21/09/2024 17:30

Well, there are two ways to make it fairer.

One is work out total bills including cost of your dc and share in the ratio that you earn.

So you earn 35 to his 15 so that's 7:3 so for every 10 pound of bills you pay 7 and he pays 3.

OR

You work out how much you have in total per month (5000), subtract the bills and then make sure each of you has the same amount of spending money left.

So 5000-2800-200 is 2000 left which would give you 1k each month each for personal spends.

(Sorry if I misremembered the numbers)

If you have debt though then paying some of it off should be factored into bills.

It might also mean you both have to agree on holidays.

GameOfJones · 21/09/2024 17:32

DH and I have a set amount of month each that is the same and for personal spending money. The rest is put together in the joint account and all family and household spending comes out of that.

boobybum · 21/09/2024 17:38

GameOfJones · 21/09/2024 17:32

DH and I have a set amount of month each that is the same and for personal spending money. The rest is put together in the joint account and all family and household spending comes out of that.

Yep, I like this way of doing things. Same amount of personal spending money (probably less than the £1000 your dh currently takes) and all the rest into a joint account. ALL family spending comes out of the joint account including the holidays, days out, car and house repairs etc

Velvetandgold · 21/09/2024 17:38

Yes he is. Each month put it all into a joint account, zero personal spending for the first month. All bills, debts, household and children related expenses out of the joint account. Divide what's left over at the end between you, transferring it to your private account and that's your spending money for next month. (Repeat the process each month). If he argues with that method, he's deliberately using you as a cash cow.

Jennyathemall · 21/09/2024 17:40

KnickerlessParsons · 21/09/2024 17:29

I agree. Put it all in one account and each take out of it what you need.
A marriage is a partnership, not an earning/spending competition. Particularly when you have a family.

Agreed.

VictoryOrDeath · 21/09/2024 17:41

Flossyts · 21/09/2024 17:27

We put everything in the melting pot for bills, and family expenses then pay each person an equal allowance into a personal account.
i can’t understand the he pays this she pays that way of doing it. Invariably, regardless of who’s the higher earner the woman ends up worse off because she buys stuff for the kids that wouldn’t occur to than bloke.

This.

Jennyathemall · 21/09/2024 17:45

We have similar take home amounts. All our money goes into a single joint account. That’s it. We spend what we want. If it’s big we discuss it first. We don’t keep track of who spends what when. It’s an adult partnership.

Tel12 · 21/09/2024 17:47

You should both have an equal amount of free cash. You need to sit down together and reassess. I'm guessing that you'll end up with £250 each and he's going to kick off.

poppyzbrite4 · 21/09/2024 17:48

Does he pull his weight around the house or do you do all that as well? It's obviously unfair OP. You're skint and he's bathing in asses milk.

honeylulu · 21/09/2024 18:03

No it's not fair as he has £1k per month to himself and you have next to nothing. The disposable income should be equal whether it's a shared pot or separate division of spends. (I'd prefer the latter if one partner was prone to be selfish or spends.)

He may whine about "not earning much" but how can he justify his huge sum of pocket money while you have none? I bet he's happy to enjoy the well maintained house and join the family on nice holidays.

You need to have words. He's totally taking the piss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2024 18:11

He really is taking advantage. You have a lot of choices with your higher salary. Is this what you want? In your shoes I’d rather struggle a bit financially than with a husband who takes advantage.

RightSedFred · 21/09/2024 18:34

Yes, he is taking the piss a bit. Well, a lot actually. Joint expenses, joint pot.

Maybe sit down and write a list of all monthly outgoings and family expenses including food, petrol, stuff for the kids, some put by for holidays and emergencies, everything.

Add together your joint salaries and take off the total expenses and see what's left. The two of you should share that equally.

Namechange7364 · 21/09/2024 18:44

Also think this is a ridiculous way of budgeting in a family. There will always be arguments and it will constantly need renegotiating as costs change.

Ever since we lived together (so even before DC), DH and I have always pooled our money and never even taken out a percentage for 'personal spends' (which is a good compromise) as we have quite similar attitudes to money (fairly frugal, have always wanted to save for the future). We just spend money as we need, there's no tit for tat.

Justsayit123 · 21/09/2024 18:54

Yes, he’s taking the mickey big time

Aquamarine1029 · 21/09/2024 19:02

All the money in one pot, and you each get equal spending money. It's an obvious solution.

Hatty65 · 21/09/2024 19:02

He's utterly taking the piss.

He only earns £1500 and he's keeping £1,000 of that? Nope. Everything gets paid for and you split equally whatever is left so that you both have the same. Or, if he doesn't like that - then he gets a third of what's left and you get 2/3. After all - you earn twice what he does.

It's fucking ridiculous that he's earning little and keeping most of it. His £250 a month towards his housing costs/keeping his children is LESS than my teenage son gives me in board and lodge. It's a joke. There is nowhere else he could live for £250 a month, all in.

Get this sorted - or tell him to move out. You'll be far better off without him. He's a cocklodger.

Hatty65 · 21/09/2024 19:02

He's utterly taking the piss.

He only earns £1500 and he's keeping £1,000 of that? Nope. Everything gets paid for and you split equally whatever is left so that you both have the same. Or, if he doesn't like that - then he gets a third of what's left and you get 2/3. After all - you earn twice what he does.

It's fucking ridiculous that he's earning little and keeping most of it. His £250 a month towards his housing costs/keeping his children is LESS than my teenage son gives me in board and lodge. It's a joke. There is nowhere else he could live for £250 a month, all in.

Get this sorted - or tell him to move out. You'll be far better off without him. He's a cocklodger.

NonStopMoaning · 21/09/2024 19:04

All our money goes into one pot and they we 'pay' ourselves an equal amount of pocket money into our own accounts. This varies based on our household needs at the time. For us, debt is a shared household cost regardless of who's name it is in, you would need to have a discussion about this for your circumstances. Our debt is for family purchases, so the debt is family debt rather than mine/DH's personal payment, so comes out of the joint family pot.

Good luck OP, it does need a very transparent discussion.

rwalker · 21/09/2024 19:06

Has the bills crept up and you’ve never re adjusted the amount he pays
im presuming the mortgage and energy will be a lot more than they wee a few years ago

Bananasplitz97 · 21/09/2024 19:06

My DP and I both pay 50% of what we earn into our joint account. It works out well for us be we are second time rounders and have expenses for our other kids…

SilkFloss · 21/09/2024 19:09

You've been married for 15 years, fgs. Stick it into one joint account, skim off an agreed amount each for personal spending, pay your bills and act like a married couple.

DarkDarkNight · 21/09/2024 19:11

Yes he is, he shouldn’t have more to himself than you do. Time for a rethink. You should have equal amounts left or should be paying in a ratio according to your income. It would be fairer if out of the £1000 he was contributing to the children’s expenses and holidays.

goestheweasel · 21/09/2024 19:23

Why is he earning so little? Is that even minimum wage? Is he full time?