Teaching my daughter to drive

[katiecork]

Hi all. I am really struggling to understand how I can teach my adult daughter to drive. She has done about 12 hour long lessons with an instructor and I take her out myself( I am a single parent with no family support).
Every time she gets into the car it's as if she forgets everything she has learned previously and she is starting on her first lesson again. She says that she gets nervous and her mind goes blank.
Does anyone have any advice other than forgetting it for a while and start again in a few months.
Thank you.

Does she actually want to drive?

Yes- she really does- it just seems like she has a mental block every time she gets in and she can't get past it and I don't know how to help her past it.

You drive her to somewhere like an industrial estate and then let her just potter about there, relax & feel comfortable with no pressure.

Is she like this with her instructor or is it that she's more nervous with you?

Perhaps she needs to up the frequency, so go out daily for a refresher, if the lessons are weekly - that way it gives the learning time to bed in.

Is she anxious about driving generally?

She might also need longer sessions with the driving instructor - so a two hour, rather than an hour. An hour won't be long to cover things and practice.

Find some really quite place with a very easy path, and give her time to get comfortable. Let her start and stop, drive at very slow speed, be it a small circle or go ten meters, reverse ten meters. Let her try all the lights and buttons.
Claim success soon enough - don't push the attempt until she would get into stressful situation, that can wait for the next time.

I know she kind of did all of that before, but maybe never at her own speed.

She is complex- can be headstrong and won't take instruction.... saying "I Know" but not actually following instructions. But then other times she can. It's really frustrating that she is showing no sign of improvement or even confidence. I know a lot has to do with driving time experience but it's difficult to find time. She's been driving nearly 2 years now.

Have systems in place

For example - to her hand at a junction to reminder her ‘into first’

Before setting off ‘Check mirrors’

On a straight road - ask her what’s behind you?

There’s a booklet on what the examiners are looking for - perhaps get her to read that? Gives you some ideas.

I also used to do a blindfold gear check - and ask what gear we were in (Stationary of-coarse)

If she has been driving for 2 years and not progressing then she either isn't able to learn or isn't able to learn with you. When did she have tie proper lessons?

She is also like this with the instructor. She just goes into a blind panic. She started to learn with me taking her around an industrial estate and the started lessons about 3 months later.

12 hours with an instructor isn’t that much, maybe she needs more time before starting to drive with you.

Go somewhere empty, like an industrial estate when everything is shut and practice with no stress. Maybe decide what you’re going to do before setting out, do it and go home. Choose easy things she can definitely do to start with, that might boost her confidence, even if that means just driving around the block a few times to start with and then build it up gradually.

I explained to my DD that if I was to take her driving, she’d need to accept that I’ve been driving for over 20 years and she hasn’t, so she would need to follow my instructions without arguing and if she wouldn’t that would be the end of the driving. That’s not my usual approach to things but when it comes to driving it could be dangerous if they don’t listen.

Thanks- some really good advice here.
I think we need to have a long hard chat about expectations and go back to basics.

Then she has a difficulty with learning, so you need to try and break that down and work out why. How was she through school and learning new things? Does she have anxiety? The obvious would be SEN related but I'm sure you would have mentioned?

I'm the same, and the pressure from my dad made it even worse. Once I learned one thing I forgot another. Eventually got to the stage where I could follow instructions, which made instructors think I could pass, but I was useless if someone wasn't telling me instructions.

I'm late 30s now and have given up after going back to it several times. Not everyone is a driver. I've had many instructors say that they've had people who they know will just never be able to get it (they think that I could, but my anxiety is too bad now and it's exhausting even thinking about it, I've passed several theory tests and they all expired). So it's actually more common than people would have you believe.

I still get people looking down on me about it now, because I was a very high achiever academically and run successful businesses now, so they're surprised because they think it's an "easy" thing. It's not easy to me.

If she has a real incentive to drive (for a job or a home she wants), she'll get it. Otherwise I would just leave it because you'll stress her out more.

No drip feed- no SEN. But the last post rings clear. Academically strong and I think that this is creating huge stress and anxiety for her. So I'm going to go back to basics- it's reassuring that someone else has gone through similar. Thanks

My dad I nearly killed each other when he tried to teach me. I then went to auto, dad and I decided not to go out together and I passed first time after I think 20 hours.

Could she get a few lessons with automatic transmission? She might find it significantly easier. Maybe she could get her licence with that first and decide whether she wants to continue to manual later

In my case, I had a great instructor and passed my tests, than I stopped driving for years, as it felt too stressful and not worth it. And than I got my hands on an automatic transmission and a car sharing program and it made all the difference.

Do you have an amazingly calm friend who has masses of time you can delegate this task to? I am no good as passenger, so delegate to DH who is very calm and they go out and do the chores driving there and back, with DH in the passenger seat.

12 lessons does not sound enough. I was once told it averages a lesson for every year of your life. Also you stop taking her out. The driving instructor is preparing her to pass her test. It might be you are giving different instructions or wording advice differently that is causing her to overthink what she needs to do. Personally I would take a step back unless she wants you to.